Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Stolen jokes for a wedding

Rrrrrgh. This happens quite a lot. Throughout the day I’m bursting with ideas – thinking about new things and funny scenarios and such. Then I come to my daily 15 minutes of free writing and what pops to mind…. blank. Blank-a-roonie. Fucking-A-Blank!

I tell ya, there’s something about stand-up comedians… We can all be funny at parties, but it takes skill to make people laugh as a group. I’m gonna be the MC at my buddy’s wedding this summer, so I’ve been brushing up on my comedy skills. I doubt I’ll use any of my material at the wedding – I’ll probably rehash something from some of the greats.

Maybe open with an Ed Byrne bit: “They never tell you the best part about being married. The best part about being married? You don’t have to plan any more weddings! Just think, tomorrow you’ll wake up – no flowers to arrange, no china patterns to pick out. You can spend the whole day not planning a wedding!”

More of Ed’s stuff. “Now, you guys planned the wedding yourself. Of course, you could’ve gone with the wedding planner. There’s a great idea – add more choice into the mix. In fact, why not pay someone handsomely to come up with all sorts of choices to think about? After all, it’s the happiest day of your lives. That’s how they get ya, they say, ‘Can’t spare any expense, it’s the happiest day of your life!’ Listen, if there’s any day where’s it’s ok to let a few things slide – it’s on the happiest day of your life! I don’t want to spend the happiest day of my life angry ’cause the flower guy didn’t have purple chrysanthemums.”

Prolly steal a bit from Stephen Merchant: “Now, you two had a nice modern ceremony. We all remember those old stodgy ceremonies. The bit that always confused me was the, “Speak now or forever hold your piece.” Wait – speak now? No, speak up 6 months ago before I paid a deposit on the hall. Who gets a wedding invitation, looks at it, thinks, ‘well, that’ll never work… she can’t be with him it’s madness. I won’t say anything now though… Probably at the wedding, during the ceremony – that’s the best time to speak up.'”

“And the timing – speak now or FOREVER hold your piece. FOREVER! What if you get there late? – ‘Wait, he can’t marry her – he’s an escaped war criminal!’ – Oh, you’re too late, we’re past that part of the ceremony. They’re about to do the ring bit, now hush up and hold your piece…for ever.”

I should probably re-watch that Merchant bit, the first part is a bit more theatrical than I’ve got it here. Of course, the second part – riffing on time – he uses paedophile instead of war criminal, but somehow I don’t think that will endear me to the audience. (Why was Merchant called Stephen with a ‘ph’ instead of an ‘f’? Because he’s a little acidic.)


March 10, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , ,

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