Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Shoulder checking cell phone zombies

Walking in the halls at my University is a full contact sport. All the undergrads coming up today seem to have no real self-awareness. Many of them walk around with their heads buried in their smart phones. (Of course, this phenomenon is not limited to just foolish University students. Many “grown-ups” are also walking around town with their heads buried in their phones.) Further, many of them bump into me as they’re walking – because they’re self-absorbed little cunts who show no situational awareness.

However, as always, I have an ingenious solution. My rule is that if someone is walking right into me with their head buried in a cell phone, they get a shoulder check. A shoulder check, in this case, involves me ducking my shoulder down and slamming it into their chest/shoulder area as hard as I can. 

There’s enough morons at my school that I’ve had to do this several times. If someone is walking directly towards you, and they don’t look up in time to not get shoulder checked – then they definitely deserve to get shoulder checked.

The most terrific instance of shoulder checking came on morning after the gym. I was walking home from the gym, about 3 blocks. I’m tired but feeling energized, my muscles are all sore, Metallica is blasting in my ears – I’m feeling pretty bad ass. Anyhoo, I’m walking down the sidewalk when I spy a class on a field trip. There’s about 30 kids, aged 12-15-ish (right around the time kids turn all snotty and sarcastic) – and they’re walking 3-abreast down the sidwalk, taking up the whole sidewalk. They’re all chatting animatedly away – many of them have their heads down in their cell phones. I’m on the outside of the sidewalk, but these kids aren’t making any room, so I slow down as I meet them, expecting the kid on the edge to get out of my way. She doesn’t. She plows right into me. She doesn’t even look up from her smart phone. She says, in a cunty way, “Watch it.”

I become enraged – infuriated – maddened – and I give her a nasty shoulder check out of my way. Kid behind her isn’t paying attention either – he gets a shoulder to the sternum. Kid behind him isn’t looking – another vicious shoulder check is thrown. So now I’m streaming down the sidewalk, hitting every kid with my shoulder. After about 5 shoulder checks, the kids start getting out of the way – but not fast enough, as I keep bashing into them like a linebacker. Finally, the last kid has moved out of the way – but I’m so goddamn pissed, I move over and check him too!

Fucking kids… 

Honestly, I think shoulder checking isn’t enough. I should probably hit their phones out of their hand and shout, “Situational awareness!!” I know I’d sleep well at night if I did.


March 15, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

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