Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

My opener

I still haven’t found a really consistent time to write, so this blog is sporadic. Which is the worst of the blog types. In any case, I’ll try and write in the morning or before knocking off for the day or something like that.

My internet’s been down the past couple days. Some pipe was water damaged somewhere, and it took 3 days to fix. I’d switch to DSL, but Teksavvy doesn’t offer it where I live. And there’s no way I’d sign with Rogers or Bell. 

So I’ve got a wedding coming up in about a month that I’ll be MC-ing for. I’ve got my opening joke. After saying stuff like, “Ok, if everyone could take their seats. And if I could be the first to say how beautiful Hilary looks in her dress and how snappy Mike looks in his tux. If we could all grab our drinks and give the first of many toasts tonight, to Mike and Hilary!”

“Well, for those who don’t know me, my name is Greg, I’ll be your MC tonight. I’ve been best friends with Mike since high school, and am currently the man responsible for deleting his internet browser history, should he die unexpectedly.”

I’d say that’s a pretty solid opener. Then I need a way to sort of frame the monologue. Maybe something like, “We’re here tonight to celebrate the coming together of our friends Mike and Hilary.” And then some waffle about love, commitment and respect.

I think I’ll tell two quick stories about Hil & Mike. For Hil, I’ll talk about the time she whupped me in squash and for Mike, I’ll talk about the time he and I picked up chicks and he went from charmingly smooth to fall down drunk in a matter of steps.



May 26, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Swearing post of fury

Pathetic fallacy, if I remember correctly, is when the weather reflects the mood of the story. Well, it’s raining here now, and that’s about how I feel.

Sens lost tonight – no calls going their way.

Words cannot describe how much I hate the Penguins. Matt Cooke gives a stick to the face to Karlsson – a NORRIS TROPHY WINNER!! – and there’s no call. Gonchar and Cooke are battling in front of the net, Cooke takes a dive, Gonchar gets a penalty. What utter horseshit.

Thing is, the NHL is completely allowed to do this sort of bullshit with the refs. (Bullshit in question being to favour the Pens in terms of calls and non-calls.) The NHL is a business, in theory, they could skate prearranged games (similar to wrestling) and that’d be totally legal. Because they’re not in the business of making sure the game of hockey is fair, they’re in the business of making money through others playing hockey. So if the NHL wants to tilt the ice in favour of the Penguins, well that’s their prerogative. But I’m not fucking happy about it.

On top of this brutal loss, my goddamn internet is down. I thought my router had died, so I bought a new router – which reminds me, fuck you Future Shop – but now there’s still no connectivity and I’m waiting on the phone until Teksavvy deigns to pick up. I’ll wait probably 25 minutes before I get to leave my number so they can call me back. Using up all my minutes on my phone too! 

What a cunting day. At least I’ve got some weed to smoke

May 22, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Xbox one – can I save this blog entry before my power dies?

I’m writing just to write again. I’ve gotten so far out of the habit of writing, that’s it’s now somewhat of a chore to write again. But, this is why habits take time to develop. I will try writing for 15 minutes by 10:00pm every day for the next 30 days, say.

But now… what to write about?

Well, today Microsoft revealed their new Xbox. It’s called Xbox one and it looks stupid, in my opinion. Well, I shouldn’t say that – the hardware the new Xbox will have is respectable. 8 GB of Ram, 800MHZ GPU speed, 500GB harddrive and an 8-core processor. (Likely a 4-core with hyperthreading.) That’s all pretty respectible for a mid-range gaming rig. Also it supports blu-ray, and I imagine 1440p resolution (although I haven’t checked.)

However, the one thing I definitely don’t like is the Kinect integration and voice commands. I mean, yeah, it’ll be great if that works – but that tech is very, very far away from being user friendly and intuitive. Any Kinect game I’ve ever played always ended up with me flailing around like some speed freak having a seizure. And voice command? Guh – “Xbox, play NHL” – “Did you say, Watch a movie?” – “No I didn’t xbox! You piece of shit!” – “Playing: Transformers 3.”

Anyhoo, here‘s the homepage for the thing. I’d say it’s a good first step in integrating the TV and gaming machines, as Xbox has deals with Netflix and Skype and the NFL. We’re a few years away from having all in one machines which replace the cable box and gaming consoles. 

But nothing will replace PC gaming, I think. Once the new Xbox & PS3 are out, that’s going to be the standard for a mid range gaming rig for some time to come. But there’s already tech out there now that can put the new Xbox to shame. Of course, all the newest games can’t take advantage of this super high tech hardware – but they will be able to soon. Within 2 years, I’d say, there’ll be PC games ported to the new Xbox which will have to have it’s graphics toned way down. (Similar to Battlefield 3 today, how it looks atrocious on Xbox but gorgeous on mid to high end gaming rigs.)

Anyhoo, it’s raining now where I am – and the smell of burnt wood & leaves is in the air. It’s a great smell – which, in honor of Calvin & Hobbes, I refer to as “brunky.” Love that brunky smell.

May 21, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment


It’s your all Senators all Me update!

The Sens play tomorrow night, Friday, Sunday, Weds (the 22nd) and if necessary, Friday the 24th, Sunday the 26th and Tuesday the 28th. According to my current hockey superstition, I can only help the team win tomorrow night and two weeks from tomorrow. So if the Sens can make it to game 7, I can help them win.

Meanwhile, my class is going to move onto exponents next class. With the kids learning exponents next class.

I’m watching F1 at the moment, the Spain race. It’s 6 laps to go and the announcers have given up. Boring race.

Anyhoo… I’ve been trying to write, but I’m more concerned about having a successful class tomorrow.

May 13, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Sens win Round 1 – That was all me and my hockey superstitions.

So I taught my class again today, and I was a lot less nervous than last time. But I was still a bit nervous in the beginning. I think one thing I might do next time is smile when I get to class.

Anyhoo, as it happened just like on Tuesday for the miracle comeback, my teaching today directly helped win the game, purely on hockey superstition.

Cutting this short today ’cause I’m too pumped by the Sens win!

If you want to listen to a good song, try “Majestic” by Wax Fang. (It was on during the last American Dad episode, when the audiovisual alien called the Majestic is reading all of Jeff’s thoughts. Yeah, it was a weird episode.)

May 9, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Me teaching today had a direct impact on the game

Well, today was my first class. It went alright, but I can’t really tell if the kids were bored or not. Then again, most of them are arts students, so maybe it’s just they don’t like math. Anyhoo, I was a bit nervous today, but I expect I’ll get more and more comfortable as the class rolls along. I was pretty loosey goosey at the end, so I think it’ll go well overall. Just as long as I can keep the math simple.

Anyhoo, the class ran from 6:30 to 8:00, so the last thing I said to my class was, “… and if someone can tell me the score of the Sens game, we can get out of here.” The score was 0-0, just about 4 minutes gone in the 2nd.

I walk out to my car, start ‘er up and drive away. Still on campus, waiting for some guy to lazily finish walking across the street, the Canadiens score. Crap, 1-0 badguys.

I drive off campus, and the Habs score again! Double crap! 2-0 badguys. Naturally, my hockey superstition kicks in, and I assume it’s because I’m driving in the car that the Habs scored. So I race home as fast as I can.

Then I hustle downstairs, taking care not to trip and kill myself, and turn on the game. But what’s this! There’s no sound! Oh snazzle.

I run up to the family room – my parents are there watching The Voice or some such crap, and Dad’s only checking on the game in the commercials! Crapspackle!

So I run up to my room, wait for the XboX to boot up – load the CBC HNIC App (which was a lifesaver!) and start to watch the rest of the 2nd. The Sens look pretty terrible. Aside from the Smith “Tough Guy” line, the Sens appeared to have no energy, and are not hungry on the puck. We (meaning The Ottawa Senators and my psychic powers) are lucky to escape the 2nd down 2 nothing.

The third starts, and we are ON it! We’ve got some jump and are spending most of our time in their zone. McLean takes off Kassian from the Tough Guy line and puts in Zibanejad. Neiler makes a hustle play to the puck and throws it towards the net. Zibby has the puck riccochet off his stick, into his skate and into the net. GOAAAAAL!!!

But what’s this, there’s some delay as they review the goal. “Distinct kicking motion” gets repeated ad nauseum, and I can barely watch the screen. The ref walks out.

Upon further review, the call stands, it’s a good goal.

PANDEMONIUM!!! The crowd at Scotiabank* place erupts! It’s 1-0 good guys.

There’s about 7:00 left in the 3rd, and the Habs have some jump. They’re still quick on pucks and keeping us hemmed in. After a couple generous icing calls, McLean pulls Andy with about 1:15 to go.

The Habs lose the faceoff, but manage to drive us back down into our own end. The D-man (can’t remember who) keeps his wits about him and passes it up to Turris, who dishes it off to the trailing player, who shoots! A mad scramble in front of the net and Conacher manages to pot one! UNBE-FREAKIN-LIEAVABLE**!!! It’s tied 2-2 with 30 seconds to go. We’re headed into overtime.

Overtime begins, and what’s this? Budaj is in for an injured Carey Price? What a shame – shoot everything on net! Within a couple minutes, Turris fires one that catches a cold Budaj and kaboom! It’s all over baby!

Sens win 3-2 in this series’ first OT, and we lead the series 3-1. What an unbelievable game. Pumped for my class on Thursday. Clearly, my teaching of the class, combined with my hockey superstitions, led to this thrilling victory. The Senators are lucky to have me.

May 7, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My first class is tomorrow. As the teacher!

My first class as a teacher is tomorrow – but not really a teacher, since I’m at a University. I’m called, “The Instructor” – which sounds like a pretty lame super villain name. I’ll be teaching a preliminary course about graphs and functions, but really it could be called an introduction to University level math.

I’ve been told by my colleagues that I’m going to have to be very patient, and that the trick is to explain everything in the simplest terms possible. So for my class, I’ll be starting by going over the very very very basics – but since most people know the basics already, I’ll just be doing it in a ‘math-y’ way. In this fashion, I figure people can understand how to do math better, if I can present concepts they already know, but with a distinct mathematical flavour.

Anyhoo, I was on campus today to run some errands. Also, it needs to be noted for the story that it was about 25 degrees out and sunny. Further, the University is hosting ‘high-school enrichment camps’ or something. So the average age of girl walking around on campus is about 17-18, and the average length of pant worn by said average girl is super short. So the whole time I’m running my errands, impossibly hot women are walking by me, and it’s my job to figure out if they’re legal or not. Well, they’re dressed like they’re legal, and my dick don’t know the difference… so… yeah.

Doublehoo, I hope my class has a couple lookers. Because I’ve seen quite a few documentaries* on the internet about hot girls doing… things … to their professors to get a good grade. So that should make for an interesting first class.


May 6, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

The never ending adventures of Honey Bunches

I'm invisible

Little does this foolish human know of my secret hiding spot by the clean laundry. Here, I am free to plan that big sausage heist I’ve been dreaming of.

A guilty dog

Oh crap! How on Earth did you get access to my secret lair? No matter, I will merely use my psychic cuteness powers. Look into my eyes!

I've got plans for you

Mmmyyesss… you are falling under my command. You will not expect it when I…


Pounce! Dog karate chop!

You win this round, human...

Oh, I see you know the cat-fu defense.

I'm gonna sucker you in with my psychic powers of cuteness

Pff, well fine, whatever…

I've SEEN things

Me, a survivor of the cat wars of aught-6. What am I doing with my life?

I'm like, a genius when it comes to secret lairs

Ha ha! A new hideout! He’ll never find me here!

Is someone at the door?

Wait – was that the doorbell?

There is, in fact, someone at the door.

Someone’s at the door! Someone’s at the door! Outta my way, human – someone’s at the DOOR!!

May 5, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

A wasp is trying to assassinate me.

There is a wasp somewhere in my room. It’s crazy annoying – ’cause I can’t find it, so I’m just sitting here as bait, waiting for it to sting me. I vaguely remember how much it hurts to get stung – but that was like, 15 years ago. So maybe I was just a bit of a pussy back then – or maybe it actually hurts like the dickens! The dickens I say!

I’m also sort of concerned that there’s some secret wasp passage in my room that they’re using to escape the elements. I wouldn’t put anything past those sneaky wasps. 

And how do I know it’s a wasp and not a bumblebee? Because it wasn’t/isn’t furry – it had a shiny yellow and black tail, and an angry look about him. Stupid wasps – tough to relax knowing I could get stung at any minute.

I suppose this is what it feels like to have a hit put out on you. You sort of protect yourself as best you can, but there’s always that feeling that there’s something lurking around the corner waiting to getcha! Then you get that itchy feeling on the back of your neck… he’s coming for me!

I should buy one of them full bodied hazmat suits. Or find the king wasp and put his head on a little pike on my desk as a message to all those other wasps. Do wasps respond to intimidation? Maybe I should buy an attack spider and let him patrol my room. Except, of course, ew, spider! 

Now my skin is all crawly. Guh… Screw summer. I prefer the winter, when bugs die off by the truckload.

May 4, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment