Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

How to steal Stephen Merchant’s voice

So I was playing around in the wordpress dashboard, and apparently it lists the search terms that people have put into Google which have led them to my site. Some of these search terms are appropriate, such as, “Rob Ager” – ’cause I did a couple posts about Ager’s movie analysis.

But some are just… well….

One search term I’ve had in the past 7 days was, “boob with milk sucking wild stories.” Which means that someone was searching for some very specific porn, and my blog showed up in their search results. And then they took a chance and visited! I imagine they left pretty quickly after that.

Another recent search term was, “how do i steal stephen merchants voice.” This implies that this particular individual knows how to steal some voices, but not Stephen Merchant’s specifically. Hence, my blog showed up in their search results and they must’ve thought, “Ah, a blog. I’m sure this enterprising individual knows how to steal Stephen Merchant’s voice.”

Well, mysterious internet surfer, you’ve come to the right place. Behold. A step by step instruction on how to steal Stephen Merchant’s voice.

Step 1) Go to Los Angeles. (Stephen is currently filming his show, “Hello Ladies” – about a gawky Englishman who goes to LA to meet his future wife.)

Step 2) Meet Stephen Merchant. (As per The Ricky Gervais show, Merchant can often be found outside popular nightclubs – but not inside nightclubs, because as he related, “Nightclubs are looking for people who will provide glamour, not IT support.”)

Step 3) Kidnap Stephen Merchant. (This will be tricky, as Merchant is 6’7 and probably prone to hysterical shrieking in stressful situations. I recommend luring Merchant to your van with the promise of taking him to a nightclub he’ll be allowed to enter – and then *BAM*, the ol’ frying pan to the back of the head and it’s lights out funny man.)

Step 4) Cut out Stephen Merchant’s larynx. (This plan, it should be noted, is not for the squeamish. If you’re determined to steal Stephen Merchant’s voice, then you’re gonna have to cut some throats… literally.)

Step 5) Get a surgeon to switch your larynx with Merchant’s larynx. (For starters, it’s tough to do a successful larynxiotomy – I’ve only done it twice, and each time it was exceedingly difficult. You may also have trouble finding a surgeon who’ll perform a larynxiotomy due to some mumbo jumbo about “ethics” and “stolen cadaver parts.” Luckily, LA is just a stone’s throw away from Mexico, and anything goes down there!)

Ta da! Once you’ve successfully completed step 5, you will now have successfully stolen Stephen Merchant’s voice. 

Tune in next time, when I give a detailed, step by step account of how to steal Stephen Merchant’s sense of comedic timing! Same Stephen Merchant-time, same Stephen Merchant-channel!


July 31, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

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