Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Why make the ring in the first place?

So I’m continuing on with my Tolkien kick. I downloaded the Lord of the Rings movies – but not just any version, the super-duper expanded directors cut “let’s keep ALL the scenes” edition. First movie is 3 hours and 20 minutes long. 2nd flick is 3 and a half hours, and the final one is 4 goddamn hours.

The thing is, though, is that I love HATING these movies. Guh. They’re so slow-paced and meandering. It takes 10 hours to throw the ring in the fire? Really? Come on!

Plus, the music is super loud, and Viggo Mortensen does nothing but mumble, so I’m constantly turning the sound up and down. Not to mention all the glaring plot holes strewn throughout the book.

First of all, why did anyone make this ring in the first place? The first thing we hear is that there were a bunch of rings of power made – some were given to elves, some were given to dwarves, and some were given to man. But the most powerful of all was saved for the evilest man who ever existed.

Christ – where’s the ring-makers union in the Tolkien verse? You make rings of power, but then make one that’s even more powerful than all the others and then give it to the baddest badguy in the land? Ridiculous! Plus, we never hear any more about the other rings of power. Maybe they could have helped a bit?

Oh, not to mention all the casual racism that’s thrown about. There’s a bunch of races in the Tolkienverse, including elves, dwarves, men, hobbits, wizards, orcs, etc… And almost every race is racist against all the other races. Dwarves don’t like elves, elves don’t like dwarves, wizards think they’re all pretty damn superior… You may not notice it, but there’s a shitload of racism in these movies.

The worst (or maybe laziest) plot hole is when Gandalf turns from grey to white, that is, Gandalf doesn’t die after falling 4 miles into water while fighting a fire monster, no, he turns “white” – and note that “white” is now a better state to be in, see what I mean about racism?

But man, are these movies pretty to look at. Just look at how cool that fire monster is!


I’m 20 feet tall and made of fire, but I get beaten by a 70 year old with a stick

Anyhoo, there’s more plot points than that, but the thing that caught my eye recently, was a story about how Tolkien was snubbed by the Nobel Prize committee for being a poor storyteller. Well, at least the Nobel prize committee has some sense when it comes to the literature prize…

Welp, I’m almost done The Hobbit book now. Bilbo and the dwarves are in Smaug’s cave and Bilbo’s swiped the Arkenstone (which Tolkien mentions after 212 pages into this 270 page book) and they’re hustling to get out. I have a feeling that Smaug will come back and there’ll be an epic fight and everyone will live happily ever after. (I read the book when I was 10 or so, so I’ve forgotten most of the important plot points, but I feel pretty confident about that one.)

So, to sum up: Lord of the Rings – pretty movies, but poor stories. Sounds about right.


January 8, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

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