Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Monday Morning Game of Thrones Spoilerama!

It’s Monday, so that means it’s time for another spectacular Game of Thrones recap!

It’s episode 3 of season 4, and we open with a glorious shot of that dead little shit Joffrey.

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Stay dead, fucker.

Anyhoo, Sansa escapes with Sir Drunkos [sic] to Littlefinger’s ship! (Oh no! He’s such an obvious bad guy, especially after he murders Sir Dontos.) So Sansa has escaped King’s Landing but is now at the mercy of Littlefinger. Out of the frying pan…

Also, Tyrion gets taken away by the guards, charged with Joffrey’s murder. It’s a good thing Tyrion isn’t a psychic and didn’t manage to get away, ’cause then he’d be a small medium at large. *snerk*

Margary Tyrell (Margery? Maergaery? Stick to a fucking regular spelling, George R. R. Martin) and her Grammy-gramms then plot a bit about how to get more power. Gramma harps on about how the Lannisters and the Tyrells need each other, so don’t fret honey pie, you’ll be Queen soon. Margaery just pouts.

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It’s hard to pout with such a cutie-pie baby face.

Then Tywin goes and talks to the new king, Lil’ Tommen. Tommen is young, and so is much more pliable in the hands of his father than Joffrey was. (There was some comment on reddit/r/gameofthrones about how when Joffrey is choking, Twyin runs to comfort Tommen. So although it might’ve been Gramma Tyrell who poisoned Joffrey, Tywin is not above suspicion.)

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Then Jaimie shows up and cries a bit with Cersei about their dead son. Then he rapes her. In front of their dead son. Yup.

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Meanwhile, Arya and the Hound are traipsing the countryside, trying to figure out where they are and how to get to The Eyrie. They happen upon a farmer, who invites them back for dinner. Big mistake. The Hound brains the father and steals his silver. But at least they get a good meal… and Arya can start developing a real hatred for The Hound.

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Then back at The Wall, fat Sam is worried about Gillie and her incest baby. So he moves her to a town south of the Night’s Watch. Snore. I always hated the stupid Sam & Gillie chapters when I was reading the book, and it’s no different here. No pic, let’s move on quickly.

On Dragonstone, Stannis is yelling at The Onion Knight ’cause Stannis is a bit of a dick. The Onion Knight proposes buying an army, but Stannis is all like, “I’ve got no money!” So The Onion Knight goes for his reading lesson with the half-fish daughter, then has a “House” moment on how to get some money for Stannis. He starts writing a letter and we’re left to wonder how he’s going to get the money.

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It’s not lupus!

Back in King’s Landing, Tywin and Oberon Martell have a little sit-down. Tywin wants Oberon on the small council for the new king, and to appear as one of the judges at Tyrion’s trial. Tywin entices Oberon to do this by promising him a meeting with The Mountain (who you’ll recall, raped and murdered Oberon’s little sister.) Clearly Tywin has some ulterior motive up his sleeve, but I’m betting so does Oberon. (Oberon is also known as Mediterranean Liam Neeson.)

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The deal at the brothel

And then we happen upon poor old Tyrion. He’s obviously been framed for Joffrey’s murder, since, as he put it, “If I’d have killed him, I’m certain I would have arranged it so that I wasn’t standing there gawking at him while he died.” Very apt logic. Anyhoo, Pod tries to help out Tyrion, but Tyrion, being the noble sort, tells Pod to get out of King’s Landing. Manly tears are shed.

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Farewell Podrick.

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Farewell, my Lord.

Then back to the Castle Black story. We see the Wildlings, along with the cannibals from last time, raid a peaceful village (which may be South of the Wall, it’s hard to tell.) Anyhoo, the cannibals let one kid run to Castle Black to tell them what they’ve done. The jerk commander (and Snow) wisely see that it’s a trap to draw them out, so there will be no reaction from the Night’s Watch. However, we then learn that the Watchmen who turned on Mormont at Craster’s house are setting up shop North of the Wall. This is big trouble, as Jon Snow told the Mance Rayder that there were 1000 men at Castle Black. Of course, the turncoats know better – so Jon Snow proposes they ride North and kill them all, so the turncoats don’t spill their secret to the Wildlings. The jerk commander reluctantly agrees.

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Jon Snow: Leader of Men, Haver of Fabulous Hair.

Finally, we end on Danerys storming the slave town of Mereen. There’s some shenanigans when a Mereen rider comes out of the city to challenge one of Danerys’s champions. Of course, the swarthy dude ices him and Danerys looks aroused. (Poor old Jorah, he will always be friendzoned.)

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I keeeeeeeel you

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My jimmies have been rustled.

Then Khaleesi makes a speech how the enemy of the slaves of Mereen are the people who put them in chains in the first place. So then she catapults the city with barrels full of broken chains. The slaves… eventually seem to catch on.

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And that’s where it ends! Cut to black, that’s the episode!

Oh man, are doings ever a transpirin’. I’m psyched for next Monday. Stay tuned!

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April 21, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

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