Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Monday Morning Game of Thones Madness! S4E4

Oh boy! It’s Monday, and you know what that means! It’s the all-spoiler, all-snark, Game of Thrones roundup! Season 4, Episode 4.

We open with Worm (the head of the unsullied) trying to learn English from Danerys’s chief concubine. (Or translator… or whatever need the mother of dragons might need for a frizzy haired black woman.) Anyhoo, some fluffworthy backstory stuff happens about how Worm only wants to kill the masters, and yes, there is indeed a person behind this unsmiling mask. But enough of that, Danerys wants to sack another city!

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The shippers collectively gasp!

So Khaleesi gets her slaves to free the slaves of Mereen, and so she takes the city. But as you’ll recall, she was pretty pissed off about how the builders of Mereen crucified all those slave children. (What, a proper burial? They’ll do much better as road markers.) So Danerys sees fit to half-crucify 162 of the Mereen nobles. (This wins points with the slaves, but the noblemen frown on her shenanigans… before dying from blood loss from the crucification.)

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My nose is so itchy! If only my hand weren’t nailed to this cross…

And that’s it for Khaleesi this week. No dragons, just building up her slave army. (How exactly does she give the slaves freedom, if they’re immediately expected to fight for her? Whatevs…)

Moving on, we’re back to King’s Landing.

Jaimie has gotten better with his sword, but is a bit of a dick as a brother, since he hasn’t seen Tyrion yet. Bron reminds him of this – Jaimie seems pretty sour having gotten advice from a measly sell-sword. But it works, and he goes to see Tyrion in medieval jail.

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There’s better women out there than those related to you… alls I’m saying.

Tyrion and Jaimie have a little chat about how they both know Tyrion didn’t kill Joffrey, but Cersei is a bit of a ‘catch u next Tuesday’, who wants Jaimie to kill Tyrion… Women! But they both still have brotherly affection for each other, so Jaimie promises to look after Tyrion’s affairs while he’s held in stir. (Mostly to run interference for him on behalf of Cersei.)

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Plenty of women who aren’t related to you who you can fuck.. just saying…

As the brothers have a brief chat about how odd it is that Sansa disappeared the night Joffrey was murdered, we smash-cut to:

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I call her “Bitchy Resting Face Redhead”

Sansa’s aboard Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger, who seems more and more “rapey”, tells her they’re going to the Vale where Aunt Crazy lives with her 12-year old breast feeding son. I think Littlefinger says something like, “I always get what I want” while staring right at Sansa’s boobs. Creepy.

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I’m so not a creeper. I just want to take 14 year old Sansa back to my house and make her my wife. What’s so creepy about that?

Star-wipe to gramma Tyrell (who I found out is the actress who played Emma Peel in the 60’s show, “The Avengers.”) and Margaery Tyrell walking in a garden and plotting. Emma Peel *heavily* implies that she had Joffrey murdered. (This was referenced in Littlefinger’s rapey talk with Sansa, about how her necklace was from him and contained poison. Also, he said he had him killed.) Gramma tells Margaery to go seduce Tommen to start loosening Cersei’s grip on the throne.

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You had Joffrey killed? I’m very serious and hot..

Cut to Castle Black. Jon Snow’s training the brothers to fight. Jerk Commander takes exception and tells him to go be a steward. A newcomer (I think his name is Boros? I ‘unno… too many goddamn characters.) sidles up to Jon and wins his confidence. If you’ll remember, this guy cut off Jaimie’s hand – so I can’t remember if he’s good or bad or what he’s up to. (I assume he’s up to no good, ’cause absolutely everyone in this book is generally up to no good.) Oh yeah, at the wall, he calls himself “Locke” and makes up a story as to why he’s at the wall. Yyyyyeeeeah, he’s probably up to no good.

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My name might be Boros? Or Todos? Who knows….os

Back at King’s Landing, Jaimie goes to see Cersei (who’s drunk off her ass) to run interference. She bitches up the place and yells at Jaimie to go find Sansa. More bitching about Brienne for some reason.. (Oh right, ’cause they’re both in love with Jaimie…) Then bitching about how Tommen doesn’t have enough guards. Jaimie realizes he’s not going to get lucky and leaves.

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[bitching intensifies]

Meanwhile, Margaery steals into Tommen’s room and plays patty cake with him. She’s like, 18, and Tommen’s like 12 or 13 – basically at peak ‘accidental boner’ age, so he’s putty in her cutie-pie face. The seducing of the pre-teen King has begun.

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Did I mention I have boobs, and as the king you’re allowed to touch them?

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Really? Boobs rule…

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Margaery: You can keep a secret, can’t you?
Tommen: I’m desperately trying to keep my boner a secret right now!

The next morning, Jaimie and Brienne are yakking it up about how awesome Jaimie used to be before he lost his hand. Jaimie, being of questionable family morals at this point, gets Brienne to promise to go find Sansa. He gifts her with some fancy looking armour and his own Valeryian steel blade. I think it’s safe to say that Jaimie is not going to be loyal to the Lannister clan for much longer. Also, Pod gets to go along with her as her squire – so, nice happy ending for Pod. Anyhoo, Brienne’s out of King’s Landing, off to find Sansa, have terrific adventures, and hopefully not get raped.

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She’s blonde… but she’s not my sister, so m’eh.

Back at Castle Black, Jerk Commander (Sir Allistair) realizes that Jon is more popular than he’ll ever be. He needs to get rid of Jon Snow – but how? Suicide mission, that’s how.

So Jerk Commander gets Jon to get some volunteers together and go North to Craster’s to kill the mutineers who killed Mormont. Ol’ tricky dick “Locke” gets to go as volunteer… so I’m almost SURE this guy is up to no good.

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Can I come? I can fight, plus I can murder people in the night…

Then we get a glimpse inside Crasters. It’s about as happy as you could imagine – a bunch of rapists and thieves who haven’t seen women in 10 years all of a sudden let loose with booze and women? Yeah, it’s a rape shack now. Also, the leader looks like a poor mans Willem Dafoe, who drinks wine out of a skull. I’m calling them Team Kickass!

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Alas, poor Yorick. Couldn’t handle an axe to the face.

Also, one of Craster’s daughters comes forth with the last born male son. Team Kickass decides to sacrifice the baby to the White Walkers – so they just leave it outside in the snow.

 

But at the same time, we star-wipe to Bran, Jojen and his sister and Hodor, who are trying to ignore the cries of the baby. Jon goes into warg-mode, and warg-jumps into Summer and goes chasing after the baby. But Summer gets trapped, so Bran & the gang have to go save him. They crawl up to Craster’s keep but accidentally get captured. Team Kickass does not treat them like their highborn status demands.

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Three eyed crow? The fuck are you talkin’ bout?

Then we end on a long shot of a White Walker carrying the baby to his magical White Walker lair. He taps the baby with his magic White Walker stick, and the baby turns into a White Walker!!! This means Craster’s incest boys are all the White Walkers! Nutty butters!

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The spice must flow

And that’s it for this episode! A bit of a slow episode, but the gears are slowly turning on this season… There’s some baaaaad stuff that’s gonna go down, I just know it!

See ya next time!

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April 28, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Excellent recap, and great captions. Last night’s Game of Thrones was stellar, glad it inspired you to put out this entertaining post.

    Comment by patricksponaugle | April 28, 2014 | Reply


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