Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Oberyn vs. The Mountain – Game of Thrones Spoilerama!

Well I have a new writing plan – instead of 15 minutes, now I’m going to write for 30 minutes. Maybe this will lead to more thoughtful pieces, and maybe it wont. Maybe it’ll lead to wackier rambles and maybe it wont. Point is, I’ll be scribbling for 30 minutes now – so get ready for some good ol’ rambling.

Now then… what to write about?

I just finished watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. It was pretty righteous. Here’s a semi-recap of what went down:

  • The town where Gilly is staying, Molestown they call it, is raided by Wildlings. Gilly manages to survive, after Ygritte sees her and takes mercy on her and her baby. Star wipe to the wall, where Sam is blubbering about how he never should’ve left her there. The boys try and pluck up his spirits – but the men of the Black Watch know that the Wildlings are coming, and it’s 100,000 of them against 100 of our boys. Looks pretty grim.
  • In Daenerys town – Worm and Frizzy Black Hair Translator are falling in love. Awwww… I ‘unno how they’re going to do it, but I’m sure we’ll get some good shots of Worm’s mutilated genitals.
  • More important in Daenerys town, Daenerys learns that Jorah “Friendzone” Mormont originally became her sellsword so he could spy on her for Robert Baratheon. This spying on Khaleesi lead to Jorah gaining a royal pardon. Anyhoo, Daenerys learns of this treachery and bans Jorah from her side. At least he’s not in the friend zone anymore.
  • In the Vale, Lord Baelish has been called before some sort of council to account for Lysa’s death. Sansa is called to testify, and lies for Petyr, saying that Lysa committed suicide. They then have a brief encounter where Petyr says something like, “Are you sure you know what I want?” and Sansa says something like, “My hot, young, body.” – Except she doesn’t say that, and just gives him a look.
  • In more ominous foreshadowing in the Vale – Petyr has taken stewardship of Robin “Titsucker” Arryn, and is going to take him out of the house for the first time. Ostensibly, Petyr wants Robin to become Lord of the Vale, and in order to do this Robin will have to learn how to ride a horse, swing a sword, and listen to the pleas of his people. Although, I would bet money on the fact that Petyr will probably kill Robin somehow so he can be Lord of the Vale, and then somehow convince Sansa to sleep with him. I’m sure his creepy demeanor, gravely voice and muddled Irish accent will win her over.
  • Ramsey Snow gets Theon “Reek” Greyjoy to convince the forces at Moat Cailin to surrender, promising them safe passage. They surrender, and are immediately slaughtered by Ramsey. Subsequently, Ramsey speaks to Lord Bolton – now that Moat Cailin is taken, Bolton is Warden of the North. As thanks, Ramsey Snow is officially adopted by Bolton, and given the name Ramsey Bolton. This is significant, as now Ramsey will have inheritance privileges. But otherwise, Ramsey is a bit of a cunt.
  • The Hound and Arya show up at the Vale, where the Hound looks to hand over Arya to Lysa. But they learn that Lysa died a few days earlier, which means the Hound can’t get any money for Arya. This causes Arya to erupt in hysterics. Better still, we get to continue on with the adventures of Arya and the Hound – I’m sure this is absolutely everyone’s favorite storyline to follow.
  • Finally, we get to King’s Landing – where Tyrion and Jaimie are in prison. Tyrion gives some filler speech about his moron cousin and his ways while we wait for the fight between Oberyn and The Mountain. I ‘unno why they took so long with this speech – there was no point to it, no resolution to the anecdote, and seemed like a waste of time when there’s so much other important stuff to cover.
  • Anyhoo, the bell sounds and Tyrion is carted off to the ring, where Oberyn and The Mountain fight. The Mountain is in heavy armor and is big and lumbering. Oberyn is lightly armored (if at all) and is quick on his feet. The Mountain gets in a few harmless shots, but eventually Oberyn cuts down the Mountain. During the fight, Oberyn gradually begins to lose his composure, yelling at the Mountain about his dead and raped sister Ellia. (Or D’Elia or some crazy spelling.)
  • Finally, with The Mountain on the ground, Oberyn preens around, yelling furiously at The Mountain, inquiring as to who gave the order to kill D’Elia. We think the Mountain is dead, but out of nowhere, the Mountain kicks Oberyn’s leg out, gets on top of him, confesses to murdering and raping D’Elia, then FREAKIN’ CRUSHES HIS SKULL IN WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!!



Anyhoo – this was a hell of an episode. Aside from all the filler. Seriously, who cares if Worm and Whozits fall in love? And I can really do without ever seeing Gilly ever again – and especially Sam mooning and moaning over Gilly. Also, the whole Tyrion speech about beetles seemed pretty pointless.

But aside from all that, this episode was rock solid. I saw a man’s skull get crushed, Jorah got kicked out of the camp, Petyr solidified his hold on the Vale and Sansa… Some good stuff.

Now, I’m at the point where I think the story has caught up to where I was in the books. I don’t really remember anything about Book 4 – so what follows are complete guesses about the story. (Well, I do remember some stuff about Arya, and we’re still in the middle of Book 3, so I know what’s going to happen to Tyrion. But I don’t know any of the Daenerys stuff. Oh, and I do know what’s going to happen with Stannis.)

But the Daenerys stuff will be all guesses – and here’s what I guess is going to happen. First, Jorah will still seek to help Daenerys, and likely follow her wagon train from the shadows. Then whatever Latin Lover’s name is, he’ll keep on banging and seducing Daenerys… but then he’ll be given an order to kill her from his mysterious master in the shadows, and Jorah will be all like, “No!!” and jump in at the last second and kill him. Since the tale of Jorah is one of Friendzone, I’m assuming Jorah will be slain in the process, and he’ll look into Daenerys’ eyes as he dies and say something trite like, “I’ve always loved you.” And Daenerys will be like, “Yyeeeah… I still only like you as a friend.” And then he’ll die. That would be fitting.

But there’s still lost of unresolved storylines. Brienne and Pod still need to have a wacky adventure. Gendry, the bastard son of Robert Baratheon is still kicking around somewhere. I ‘unno what Varys is up to, but it can’t be any good. Boobula Tyrell still wants to be Queen, and wont hesitate to seduce 12 year old Tommen. Asha is still alive, and will probably want to dispute Bolton’s ownership of the North. Bran and his mystic band still have to find the 3-eyed crow.

Yup, still lots of excitement to come. Only 2 episodes left this season. Gonna be an epic episode next week I can feel it!


For no reason, here’s Mr. Honey Bunches.

EDIT: It’s Oberyn, not Oberon.


June 2, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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