Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Game Of Thrones: Season 1 Episode 1 – Episode Recap.

We cold open to…



3 badass looking dudes from the Night’s Watch. (Of course, we don’t know they’re part of the Night’s Watch yet, so they’re just 3 badass looking dudes.) This is a great way to open the epicest epics to ever epic – we’re drawn immediately into a world of mystery. Who are these guys? Why are they walking through this big-ass tunnel? Why are they so dour looking?


Dour is right. They sure don’t look like a happy bunch.

Anyhoo, they go North of the wall and start poking around. That bug-eyed looking fellow manages to stumble upon a camp full of slaughtered wildlings.


Correction: Brutally slaughtered!

He freaks out and runs back to tell beard-o and the caesar haircut guy. We widen to reveal…


One hell of a massacre.

So bug-eye goes and tells his friends and brings them back to the site of the slaughter. Only, when he gets back, all the bodies are missing. Then, we hear ominous noises around our 3 intrepid heroes and some spooky music kicks up its volume.


Ah! Midwich cuckoos!

All of a sudden, our heroes are being stalked by White Walkers! Bug-eye and beard-o run for their lives while caesar-haircut, being the snobbiest of them all, throwing out such sentences as, “What, are you afraid of the dead?” gets summarily executed by the White Walkers.

Meanwhile, bug-eye and beard-o, after running for quite awhile, stop for breath. Surely they’ve outrun these White Walkers?



Boom! Kick it to the 1:30 long intro.

We open somewhere in the North, where that bug-eyed fella is chased down by men on horses. (We soon learn these are Ned Stark’s bannermen.)


The fate of this fellow remains to be seen.

Anyhoo, we don’t care about him – because it’s star-wipe to one of those, “Happy Bustling Laughing Family” type of intros. You know the ones, all the kids are playing and getting along and the parents are laughing. It happens in absolutely every movie that contains a family.


Here we see the Stark boys, enjoying a traditionally manly activity. (Even Rickon is in the background.)


Sansa, being praised for her traditionally female skills.


Arya, not so much…


Ned and Catelyn, looking proudly down upon their brood. Oh, isn’t life just perfect Ned? I hope nothing ever changes and we live here in Winterfell safe forever.

After the establishing shots, Ned and Catelyn get the news that his men have captured a deserter: bug-eye. Of course, the punishment for desertion in the Night’s Watch is death.


What was that you were saying, Cat?


M’Lord, even though I have this ridiculous haircut, no one saw fit to give me a name in this first episode. Also, Theon is with me.

It falls to Ned, as the Warden of the North, to carry out the execution of the deserted. Just before he’s about to be put onto the block, Bug-eye says something like, “I know I deserted my post, but fuck me if I’m going to deal with White Walkers.” (I’m paraphrasing.)

Though Ned is sympathetic about being terrorized by fictional monsters, he still has a job to do.





As Ned and his boys go back to Winterfell, they happen upon a dead DireWolf, who just happens to have a bunch of puppies. As it happens, there’s one DireWolf for each Stark child, so Ned sees it as an omen and spares the lives of the wolves. Even Jon Snow gets one.


He seems so pumped!

This being the first episode, we’ve got a lot of characters to introduce ourselves to, and a story to get started. So we’ve met all the Starks, learned about the Night’s Watch, now it’s time to get this feudal intrigue a-rollin’.


Note the throne in the background.

In King’s Landing, we learn that Jon Arryn, the previous King of the Hand, is dead. The current King, Robert Baratheon, is marching North to visit Winterfell.


Catelyn, don’t interrupt me while I’m stroking my sword.

We learn that Catelyn is anxious about the King’s visit – as the King and Ned are old friends, and she’s sure the King will take Ned back with him. However, it is a royal visit, so all the Stark children need to be cleaned up. Great excuse for all our handsome leads to take their shirts off.


And a lil’ something for the ladies…

In a clever bit of foreshadowing (or not so clever, depending on who you ask), Brann climbs up the castle walls to see the King and his retinue in the distance. As he’s climbing down, he’s caught by his mom, who says, 


I don’t ever want to see you climbing again!


Ok, I’ll climb maybe one more time and that’s it.

Finally, the King rides in with all the pomp and circumstance he can muster. We get a cool shot of the Hound in full armour.


I don’t think he ever wears that cool helmet ever again.

We finally get to meet the King, Robert Baratheon, who basically looks like a bearded, British, John Goodman.



We get a glimpse of some of the other Lannisters as well:


Only moments later will we all start to hate that little kid with everything we’ve got.


I don’t remember Tyrion being so blonde.

These introductory stories are brief, as we’re still establishing how Robert and Ned know each other. In fact, Robert invites Ned to be the King of the Hand, as there’s some upstart young Tagaryen across the sea who has visions of dethroning the King.

Star wipe to…


One of the two seasons where we get to see her breasts: enjoy!

Meet Daenerys Stormborn – of course, she’s not the Targaryen we’re worried about, because there’s this jerk kicking around:


If I didn’t die so early, it’d be a toss up between me and Joffrey as to who’s the most hated.

This is Viserys – Daenerys’ older brother. He’s arranged for Daenerys to be wed to Khal Drogo, the leader of the Dothraki, a horse-people. Viserys has done so in exchange for access to Drogo’s army. Viserys, being a son of the previous King, has claims on the current throne. Only, he needs a big-ass army with which to fight Robert, the current king.


Getting Khal Drogo on your side is a good start.

With Daenerys introduced and married, we star-wipe back to Winterfell


“Do you think Joffrey will like me?” Sansa asks, not having met Joffrey and knowing what a right cunt he is.

It’s nighttime at Winterfell, and since the King’s here, we’re having a feast!



Shenanigans are going on at dinner. But we’re still setting up the story here – for as the feast goes on inside, outside Jon Snow is talking to Ned’s brother Benjen, who’s a recruiter for the Night’s Watch.


Nice to meet you, Jon Snow. I’ll be dead in 3 episodes!

Jon Snow discusses joining the Night’s Watch with Benjen. After all, Jon Snow is Ned Stark’s bastard – and Catelyn is not a big fan of ol’ Jon Snow. 


Then Tyrion comes by, says something wise, something snarky, and is off again.


Meanwhile, at the feast, Cersei and Catelyn give each other passive-aggressive compliments. “Oh Catelyn, I love how you just wear anything.”

That night, as Ned and Catelyn are enjoying a post-coital snuggle, Maester Llyewen (seriously George R. R. Martin, use some normal spelling on names) comes in and gives them a letter.


Hey, when you said a threesome, you didn’t say what kind.

It’s a letter from Catelyn’s sister Lysa, who tells them that the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn. Suddenly, all those snipes that Cersei made at the dinner table seem a little more ominous.

Back across the water, Daenerys is marrying Khal Drogo.


A Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

We get our first glimpse of Jorah “Friendzone” Mormont, who almost immediately (and without being asked) becomes Daenerys’ translator and advisor.


Here’s a good wedding present for a horse-lord, books!

However, a much more foreshadow-y gift is given to Daenerys: 3 dragon eggs.


My preciousssssss

Also, Jorah gives Daenerys a brand new, golden-white horse. (Because chicks love it when you fall all over yourself to give them gifts! That newly married bride will surely love you, Jorah!)


Thanks Jorah – wait until I show my husband!

Finally, Khal Drogo and Daenerys consummate their marriage. This being Daenerys’ first time, and Khal Drogo being a bit rough around the edges, it doesn’t go smoothly for Dany.


A lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying.

Star-wipe to Bran, taking his last climb.


Boy, do I ever love to climb and use my legs! I sure wouldn’t ever want to not be able to walk again!

However, Bran happens to stumble upon Cersei and her Brother Jamie – gettin’ it oooon!


Crap, I was almost there!!


I have the weirdest boner right now…

Jamie then does the only sensible thing one can do when a 10-year old boy walks in on you fucking your own sister…



That’s a well thought out, measured response. And the triumphant first episode of Game of Thrones ends with a thump.




July 8, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

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