Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Requiem for a brief relationship

Well, that was a tumultuous affair. I ended things with the girl I was seeing. I’m just too insecure at the moment to deal with a serious relationship. Because of the last relationship I was in, I have issues with trust and fidelity. So when I started caring about this current girl, I became very insecure very fast. I was having anxiety every night that she didn’t text me – and that was only after a few dates. Relationships can be stressful, but if the girl was right for me, I doubt I would’ve been that anxious all the time.

Anyhoo, I broke up with her by text. I realize now this was a scumbag move – but I kept having this obsessive thoughts and it was seriously stressing me out. She was hurt by the way I broke up with her – but by text was the fastest way to solve my problem. In retrospect, I should’ve seen her today and broke up with her in person. I feel really low for how this ended.

But it’s too late now – what’s done is done. In retrospect, I didn’t handle any aspect of the relationship all that well. I was too needy, I was too emotionally invested, I didn’t challenge her views, I didn’t put my priorities ahead of hers (which is ridiculous for knowing someone for such a short time).

Most of all, I feel really bad because I did like her a lot. She had many admirable qualities: pretty, smart, funny, liked the Simpsons, easy to get along with. Ultimately, she had some negative qualities that made her not right for me in the long run.

However, I know that despite my poor actions in breaking up with her, that feeling will eventually go away. I can deal with regret – it’s ongoing anxiety that I can’t deal with.

The anxiety is likely caused by a couple factors: low self-esteem, and the pills I’m on. I’m currently on prednisone, which is a corticosteroid, which means I have abnormally high cortisol levels in my body. This causes undue stress and anxiety. Low self-esteem – well, I’m not too sure I have low self-esteem. I think I’m pretty awesome – but judging by the way I became so needy so quickly, there’s probably something to it. The only thing I can do there is keep working on my fitness and progressing towards my goals.

Yup. Feeling pretty low right now. The feeling will pass, but for now, not feeling great about myself.

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February 22, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

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