Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

More relationship stuff: recognizing my issues and taking steps towards solving them

Jesus Christ. I cannot stop thinking about this girl I broke up with. I suspect it’s either because she’s the first girl I’ve liked as a person in a very long time – or I’m insecure about meeting new girls.

I don’t think it’s the latter. With tinder and online dating, meeting new girls is pretty goddamn easy. Put up a couple of flattering photos, have a brief, charming conversation, and set up a date for later in the week. Easy peasy.

But the other one – she is indeed the first girl I’ve liked in a long time. Since my last disastrous relationship (which ruined my confidence, and rendered me insecure and needy), I haven’t been in many relationships. Have I been in any? Yes, I was in one – where I ended it because she was too clingy, and I was in a bad headspace. All the other girls I’ve seen were hook-ups or one-night stands. I tell ya, for me, life is a lot easier when I’m alone.

But life is more fun when I’m with a compatible partner. Snuggling, in-jokes – taking on the world as a team – and sex, of course. All good stuff.

I don’t think she’ll get my letter until tomorrow – and even then, I know she’s going out of town Friday, so she may not get it until next week. Who gets snail mail nowadays, anyway? Regardless, part of me still really, REALLY wants to get back together with her. And then another part of me is thinking that’s probably not a healthy thing to do – not to mention, why would she want me back, after I broke up with her by text.

I was looking online for resources with help with anxiety. One thing I find myself doing is going over and over in my mind the possible conversations I would have with this girl, were I ever to see her again. Of course, this is not helpful, and is creating stress in my life. (My elevated cortisol levels are not helping in that dept. either.)

Anyhoo, one resource online suggested that I write down a list of my worries, and then create a specific time during the day to engage with these worries. Because when I tell myself “don’t think about her” or something along those lines, it just entrenches my thoughts about her. What the online resource says is that, I can acknowledge that I have these thoughts and worries, and rather than not think about them, I will postpone thinking about them until later. So I’m trying that now, but I’m still having a tough time about it.

I think perhaps one thing is that, because I liked this girl so much – and the last girl I liked this much cheated on me like a dumb party slut – that I’m scared of having these feelings. I think it’s possible that I’m scared that if I like this girl, the same thing will happen to me again. Hence, in order to protect my ego, I pre-preemptively broke up with her before such a thing could happen. In retrospect, I probably should’ve just talked to her about it. I ‘unno… I’m pretty bad at dating, as it happens.

I read a self-help book last night called, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, PhD. In it, he lists a certain number of traits that self-proclaimed “Nice Guys” have, and how that leads to problems in relationships. A key aspect of the Nice Guy is that he puts others needs before himself. While reading, I certainly recognized a lot of “Nice Guy” tendencies within myself. I think this is a good thing, because the book lists a number of strategies for dealing with my “Nice Guy”-ness, and how to overcome it. Paradoxically, I will become more attractive to women if I can learn to put my needs first.

Now that I think about it, I recognize that I didn’t put my needs first when I went on my date with that girl on Monday. She showed up, and was significantly fatter than her pictures suggested. Although I’m no fitness model, I do exercise 4-5 times a week at least, and I value physical fitness in my partner. What I should’ve done, was basically call “Lemon Law” and leave right then and there. But because I wasn’t feeling so great about myself, I stayed and went through with the date. Further, at the end of the date, when it was clear there was no chemistry, I still went in for a kiss, rather than just straight up tell her, “It’s clear there’s nothing here.”

Well, the first step on the road to recovery is recognizing I have a problem. Now that I’ve started to figure out the issues I need to work on, thanks to the internet, there’s a wealth of information on how to deal with my issues at my fingertips. Although I’m impatient by nature, I recognize that becoming a healthy, confident man is going to take some time. And guess what… you’re going to hear all about it!

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February 25, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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