Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Relationship woes; developing patience.

The problem with working on my dating issues is that I want them to be done NOW. I want to be free of insecurity and self-doubt TODAY! It, of course, doesn’t work that way – I have to take the time, figure out where all these issues come from, and the work through them in a healthy way. It’s goddamn frustrating – because I want to get out there and meet women and all this stuff. But I know that if I don’t work through my issues, then they will remain. Although it seems like meeting someone will solve everything, it won’t. It will just paper over the issues until they inevitably crop up again. So, alas, I will continue to do the work.

One issue of self-doubt was whether or not I really needed to break up with my ex. I think now it was probably a rash decision, and a better result could have come from simply talking to her, and then doing some work on my own. That’s a regret I’ll have to live with for a long time, I suspect. I haven’t heard from her – and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It’s probably good – because if I heard from her, I’d probably cave and ask her to take me back.

One thing I keep reading about is how the people we attract are damaged in similar ways to us. This makes me think that I’m attracted to her because she was damaged in a way that I was damaged. Maybe, I ‘unno. I also think there’s probably a bit of one-itis going on there. It’s true that she was very sweet and thoughtful, kind, etc… But from what I’ve read, maybe I’m blind to all her faults because we had sex so early in the relationship. I hesitate to even call it a relationship – as we only went out on 6 dates. I think I’m almost certainly making more of it than it was.

Thus, in order to work through my issues, I must develop patience. Patience to live in the moment, and not keep fantasizing about some idealized future. One trick I’m using is the elastic band trick – I’ve got an elastic band wrapped around my wrist, and whenever I delve into future fantasies or worries, I snap the band against my wrist. The pain then tells me that I need to keep focused on the current moment I’m in.

That’s definitely a source of anxiety that I’ve never dealt with – imaginary conversations and worries about the future. All the self-help gurus tell us to focus on what we’re currently doing – to live in the moment – because what we worry about may never come true. So that’s what I’m focusing on now – trying to live in the moment and be productive instead of moping around.

But it’s pretty tough. For whatever reason, I’m still fixated on this girl I briefly dated. Plus, the self-help program I’m working through has me on a dating moratorium, so there’s no chance that I’ll be dating anyone else anytime soon. I think that’s probably also why I’m focusing on this girl so much. (Also, I still really like her, so there’s that.)

Given the prevelance of Tinder, online dating – the fact that I work on a University campus – means that I know for a fact, that I can easily meet and date a pretty girl. My rational mind KNOWS that I will not be alone forever, and I’ll meet a girl with a sweet personality who’s right for me. But my emotional mind seems to be running away with itself with self-doubt and self-pity. (And an insecure man is not an attractive one.) So I’m not even in the right headspace to date anyway. But since I’ve spent so long ignoring my feelings, I think my emotional brain is enjoying all the drama – no matter that it makes me feel sad. My emotional brain just wants to feel ANYTHING, since it’s been dormant for so long.

In the meantime, I will really have to focus on enjoying the moment. It’s funny, before I started dating, I was very happy to be by myself. I would relish a Saturday home alone where I could play a videogame and watch cartoons or a conspiracy documentary. But after dating this girl, now I’m all bummed because that’s likely exactly what I’m going to be doing tonight. Funny thing is – even if I hadn’t have broken up with this girl, it probably would’ve been what I would’ve been doing tonight anyway (since she’s out of town.)

It’s annoying when the only thing that will make me better is time – and there’s no way to hurry that along.


February 28, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , ,

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