Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Relationships and flawed types of bonding

It’s trade deadline day! And I gotta say… I don’t really care. The Sens aren’t in the playoffs, so we’re not looking to make any blockbuster deals.

The girl I broke up with got in contact with me today. I had written her a letter last week trying to explain my feelings and rationale for why I broke up with her. Initially, I thought that if I broke up with her that I’d just end all the anxiety I had about our relationship (was it even a relationship? About us dating, then) – but that totally didn’t work. I felt bad all week about breaking up with her the way I did. I still want to get back together with her – but I know that unless I confront and deal with my issues, then I’ll be right back where I started.

It’s so frustrating! I want to wave a magic wand, and be free of all my insecurities, and then head over to her place and hug her and get back together and lay down and watch The Simpsons together. I keep having idealized fantasies about what’s going to happen. I think that comes from watching too much tv.

One of the issues that I’ve been reading about is a form of insecurity. Apparently, I’m attracted to women who aren’t as attracted to me – because this triggers so-called “lovesick” feelings. Because I’m not sure if the girl is attracted to me, I’m filled with insecurity about the state of the relationship – and as a result, my body is filled with endorphins, which keeps me hooked to this feeling.

There’s also another similar type of bonding that exists between couples called “traumatic bonding.” This happens when one member of the couple treats the other poorly. As a result, whenever that person gets treated poorly, they get a rush of endorphins, and subsequently get hooked on the feeling. This can go a long way to explaining why women stay with men that beat them, or why men stay with women that cheat on them.

The other thing I’ve been reading is that we tend to attract a partner that is damaged in the same ways that we are. Which might mean that this girl that I broke up with was facing similar issues that I’m facing now. Which would suck – because I know what I’m going through, and I’d hate to have her have to go through the same thing.

Anyhoo, she said she’d write me an e-mail in response to my letter. I’m sorta nervous as to what it’s going to say. I doubt it will be anything too flattering.

I’ve been reading so much in the past week – one thing I read about is how I definitely suffer from perfectionism. I like things to be perfect from the start, and if they aren’t, I tend to either not do them, or do them half-assed, or devalue the thing that’s imperfect. Of course, all people are imperfect – and so I’ve got to start accepting that about myself.

The other thing I’ve read is that it’s highly likely that I’ve placed this girl on a pedestal. We only went out for a month or so – and during that whole time, I was mostly concerned with my own anxiety. The time we spent together was very enjoyable – but am I overlooking some flaws of hers just because I enjoyed her company? Is my need for companionship overpowering my critical view of this girl? Possibly…

After reading about where all my issues come from and trying to start working on them, I can say I’m probably more confused about relationships then I’ve ever been. I’ve got some long months ahead full of self-reflection and hard work. It hasn’t been fun so far – and this blog will likely start to be another way to work through these issues. So gear up people! No more tv and conspiracy theories – this is gonna be all relationship drama all the time! Oh what fun!

Tomorrow will almost certainly be a post about her letter and my reaction. Stay tuned!


March 2, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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