Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Relationship stuff: feeling better, moving forward.

Well, the girl I broke up with wrote me back yesterday. As a result, I went over to her place to talk with her. We both agreed that we just weren’t in the right place to make it work. I’ve got my issues to deal with – and she’s not really looking to get back together – not after how I ended things. Also, her letter mentioned that my beta behavior turned her off.

I could’ve predicted that. I’m still working on my issues – but one of them is that I want to have an emotional connection with someone. But me, being Mr. Impatient, tried to rush things with this last girl – and it clearly put her off. On top of that, as I felt her pulling away, just like the slutty ex – I tried to hold on closer. This created a maelstrom of neediness on my part – and neediness is insecurity, which is not an attractive quality in a man.

So, moving forward, I realize the mistakes I’ve made, and I’ll learn from them. Most importantly, I see that I need to take things slow when dating – rather than just go “all-in” on the first girl I have a connection with. My plan now is to date multiple women at a time, until one of them brings up the idea of an exclusive relationship. I also will go into my dates with the mentality that, if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok.

Because one of my major cognitive biases is perfectionism. This past girl I dated – she was a high value woman – and I immediately overlooked her flaws and started thinking about her as ‘perfect.’ This undoubtedly put her on a pedestal and created those needy feelings within me. Certainly, we had a lot in common, and she was very sweet – but she was far from perfect. As it happens, no one is perfect – especially me, so I’ll try and remember that moving forward.

But I’m happy I talked things out with her last night – even though I’ll never see her again, which is sad. I’m feeling much better about myself today then I have in the past week or so. As a result, I reinstalled Tinder on my phone and will be going back to dating. I’m still aware of these issues I’m bringing to the table – but everyone’s got issues. And if I get serious with anyone, the first thing I’m going to work on is communication.

Because I’m pretty bad at talking about my feelings. Because my cortisol levels are so high – because of the pills I take – every feeling I have is magnified. So when I feel bad, I feel really bad. And when I feel happy, I feel really happy! This can create a roller-coaster of emotions – as due to my issues, I’m sensitive to rejection. But the important thing is that I’ll take things slow, at a level I’m comfortable at. And if I meet a quality woman, then she certainly won’t mind how slow I’m taking things.

It’s tough in this day and age to take things slow, however. There’s an emphasis on having sex on the third date – and becoming physical right away. Moreover, if I don’t get physical immediately, I run the risk of being put into the friend zone. I mean, I’m a man and I have manly desires – but I’ve got to look out for my own interests first. And if that means a little less sex for a lot more security, then so be it.

In fact, I’ve already got a date for Friday. And I’m working on one for Saturday. With this PhD thesis I have to work on, free time is at a premium. So I think two or three dates a week will work well for now. It allows me to take things slow and not get over-invested in one girl right away. I suppose I will still have to deal with separation anxiety during the week – but now that I understand where that’s coming from, I’ll be able to deal with it a lot better.

The other thing, is that dating multiple women at a time will indeed make me more attractive to said women. Women like a man who’s successful with other women – because if no woman wants you, why would she? So taking that attitude into my dates will give me an abundance mentality. It will allow me to not rely on any one woman to meet my socializing and emotional needs, and allow me room to grow as a person.

I’m still a bit nervous about dating – and I’m still regretful that I ended things with this previous girl. One thing her letter taught me was that, if I had communicated a lot better, we’d likely still be together. But in a way, I’m glad we’re not – I’m not glad that I don’t get to see her again – but I am glad that, by dating her, I was forced to confront my issues. I’ve let my issues lay dormant for a long time – and issues don’t get better if you don’t work on them, they just fester. Now that I’m aware of my issues, I can work on them going forward. Ultimately, I’ll meet a great girl with whom I have a real connection – and I can’t rush that.

So I’ll take things slow – because it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And I don’t want to get an emotional stitch ever again.


March 3, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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