Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Developing inner character

One thing I’m really struggling with is looking internally for answers. I can see now that my neediness come from a need to be loved. I think we all have this need. But ultimately, I can’t put this burden on other people. I need to love myself (and not in the boner inducing way) before I can make a real connection with someone. That’s how I understand it.

Because when I was dating this girl, I was anxious when we were apart. And when we were together, that anxiety would melt away. Now, was this because I was depending on her to fulfill my need to be loved? Possibly – we weren’t in love, we barely knew each other. But we did click – and I think I started projecting my needs onto her. I think I started looking to her for validation and good feelings, when really, I should be looking internally.

Ultimately, it’s up to me to see that my needs are fulfilled. Ultimately, I need to be secure in myself before I can be secure in a relationship. Funny – I used to think I was secure. Before I went back to dating, I would love spending time by myself. But I think, in retrospect, I was just fooling myself, and hiding away from the world. I was lying to myself about my needs – I would think that it was great being alone, and one-night-stands were fine, and I’ll be alone forever. But then I went back to dating – and a whole bunch of issues that I hadn’t dealt with in a long time came crashing to the surface.

So now, I’m trying to look internally for validation. Lemme tell ya, it’s tough. I wouldn’t say I’m lonely, but I did have a connection with this girl (well, I think so, maybe that’s just my neediness overpowering what I really experienced). And though I’m not lonely, I do desire to have a solid emotional and physical connection with a pretty girl.

Of course, all this stuff takes time. It takes time to work out my issues, and develop self-confidence and security. It takes time to meet women, make a connection, and meet someone really special. Worse still, I know what kind of behavior to eliminate – seeking other people for validation, acceptance, and all that – so really, I don’t have anyone to turn to. All the answers are within me, and it’s going to take months (hopefully not years, yeesh) in order to find the answers and the strength within.

For example – this girl I dated, she had some similar issues in the past, and told me I could talk to her if I needed. But I think, if I go running to her to deal with my issues, then I’m not really dealing with my issues. Instead, I’m putting the burden on her.

It’s like there’s two parts of my psyche. There’s this tiny, inner core of strength. And then there’s this hyperactive, reactive, needy shell – that tries to lash out onto someone else for immediate gratification. If I can just listen to that little voice inside, I know I’ll be alright. But it’s tough – I keep having these obsessive thoughts in my head about this girl I dated – what actions I took that I shouldn’t have, things I shouldn’t have said, what I should’ve done differently. And though these were important lessons to learn, I’m still full of regret with how things turned out.

However, because I was so needy, there’s no way we would’ve lasted. I have to realize that, eventually, the first time I met a high-quality woman, these issues of mine would’ve cropped up to the surface. So even if I didn’t go out with this girl, there would be some girl eventually with whom I had a connection, and who was high quality, and where my issues would’ve sprung to the surface.

Thing is, I know that, logically, there’s many, many high-quality women out there. I just need to develop the patience to let that connection happen naturally, and not try to force it. Moreover, if I’m to win the heart of a high-quality woman, I need to be a similarly high-quality man. And that means developing inner strength of character.

The only way to develop this inner strength is to keep working on myself, day by day. I know that eventually, I will make it there. But some days are a real bummer. Like today, for example.

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March 4, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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