Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

A ramble about getting past a breakup

Some days are better than others, Today seems to be going alright. I’ve got a dates setup for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so we’ll see what happens.

After taking some time to reflect, I’m pretty confident I made more out of what I had with this girl that I broke up with. To be fair, she was a really, really kind person – very bright and personable, and we seemed to click. But how much can you know someone after 6 dates? I’m almost certain I think better of her because I immediately placed her on a pedestal. Moving forward, I’ll always remember her for causing me to deal with my issues – but I think that I’m going to have to date a lot of women before meeting ‘the one’. She’ll always have a special place in my heart, but I’m looking towards the future now, and ready to move forward.

Although, it’s tough to do. From one of the self-help books I was reading, our brains have a tendency to try and fix problems – or fix what’s wrong with a pattern. So when a break-up occurs, your brain goes over what happened over and over to try and fix things. This is why, after a break up, we tend to be fixated on the person we broke up with (or who broke up with us.) In serious cases, this leads to calling your ex, begging them to take you back, borderline stalker-ish things, wearing old clothes that they were in, etc… Moreover, because your brain is trying to fix something that can’t be fixed, we end up placing a huge emphasis on the unknown possibilities. That’s why break-ups are often accompanied by the idea that, “She was the one!” or “I’ll never meet anyone like her again!”. We become fixated on the problem, rather than looking forward for new solutions.

I know that’s certainly what I’ve been doing this past week. Moping around, thinking of all the mistakes I made in the relationship, kicking myself for things I did and other things I didn’t do. Even though I broke up with her, and I could accept that we wouldn’t be together intellectually, emotionally, my brain couldn’t handle it. So I kept recalling some good dates that we had – some of her more endearing mannerisms, etc…

But now that I understand my issues better, I can move forward. Certainly, I can look back on this past relationship for an example of what not to do – but the time for regret is over. I acknowledge that I made mistakes and the only thing I can do is learn from them. What we had is over, and it can’t be fixed. So I accept that, and I move on.

One thing I’ve got a better handle on is my issues. I know now that, because I was alone for so long, my need to love and be loved – to have an emotional connection with someone special – was ignored. And when I met someone with whom I had a connection, I seriously over-reacted, and placed too much importance on this tiny spark of a relationship. I know now, that to have a serious, deep emotional connection with someone takes time. And you can’t rush that connection.

What I can do, is take the advice from every male dating guru out there and not put all my eggs in one basket. My plan now is to date lots of women – and continue to see the ones I like, and not see the ones I don’t. Moreover, because I tried to rush things, I know now that I need to take things slow. Not rush into a relationship – not try and immediately place someone in the “girlfriend” category after a couple of dates. Basically, I’ve got to keep my options open.

In doing so, this will give me an abundance mentality – something every goals coach talks about. When you live life from an abundance mentality, life is better. You’re less anxious – there’s less worry about what you don’t have – and instead you can focus on all the many opportunities available. Not to mention, the more girls I see, the better I will get at dating. So that when I do meet someone special, I’ll be in a much better place to handle my feelings.

Also, I think I’m feeling pretty good because it’s the weekend for me! And the weather’s a lot nicer! Sun is shining!

Eventually, things will get better. Day by day is frustrating, because we can’t rush recovery. But every now and then, you’ll get a glimpse of how good things will be. And that will make you smile. I’m smiling today!

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March 5, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Hi! I enjoyed reading your blog post. I thought it was especially interesting and comforting to hear the reasons why we tend to obsess about a recent ex. It is nice to hear that I am not crazy or alone in over analyzing why we broke up, and how it all happened, and what I did, and what he said, and everything else. You’ll get through this 🙂

    Comment by Riley Eike | March 5, 2015 | Reply


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