Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

A ramble about developing self-reliance

One thing that I’m trying to do with my dating goals is to cultivate self-reliance. When I was dating this girl (who I will keep referring back to, since she’s the one that helped me discover all these issues I still had), one thing I noticed was that I was relying on her for validation. I would be anxious until the moment I saw her, and then that anxiety would go away. Based on the self-help books I’ve read, I’m guessing that’s because I was relying on her for acceptance, when really, I should have had that self-acceptance all along.

I think my big problem was I went in with the mindset of, “If this girl doesn’t like me, then I’m worthless.” Well, maybe not worthless – but it’s certainly close to something like that. Instead, I should’ve been going in with the mindset of, “I know who I am. I know what I’m about. Maybe this girl and I will get along, if *I* think she’s good enough.” Really, I should be depending on myself for acceptance, not someone else.

But it’s somewhat hard to generate self-acceptance, and self-confidence. I know that self-confidence comes from the knowledge that I can handle a situation – or I know that I have the skills to deal with whatever comes my way. There’s also the idea that self-confidence (and self-esteem) come from the repeated achieving of goals. The idea is that the more I can accomplish, the more I will believe in myself, and hence, the more I will generate self-esteem and look internally for solutions.

Maybe I should spend a certain amount of time everyday reflecting on my goals. I’ve accomplished a lot: I had a $50,000 a year job, I got my Masters Degree, I learned how to play the drums, I’m learning how to play the piano, I’ll be done my PhD quite soon.

That list was somewhat tough to come up with. I’m sure there are small things in my life that I wouldn’t count as goals, that people would love to count among their goals. Maybe having a good relationship with my family, for one thing. Or having a few really good, close friends.

With yesterday’s post, I noticed afterwards that I was externally focused. The post was all about what qualities someone else would have. Instead, if I’m to develop internal stability, I should be focusing mainly on my goals, and what I bring to the table. I think the idea should be that I should try and live my life the best way I can, and as I get better and better at dating, and more and more self-confident and self-assured, eventually I will be at a position where I can establish a meaningful connection with someone.

I ‘unno. It’s tough. I was having fantasies this morning of calling this girl I went out with and blabbing my feelings and having her make it all better. That is not what I want to be doing. I want to be cultivating self-reliance. And first and foremost, I need to ingrain the idea that it is me who will make everything better. By taking action on my goals, and living each day to the fullest, day in and day out, over time, I will get to where I need to be.

I can’t be depending on other people for solutions. That’s probably why I was so anxious when I was waiting to see this girl. Because I didn’t depend on myself for acceptance, being away from her means I was away from those feelings of acceptance – hence, the anxiety.

So what am I to do when I get in a state like I did this morning? I suppose I just need to focus on my breathing (easy trick to calm the heartrate and lower cortisol) and repeat to myself that, “I got this. Whatever happens, I can handle it.” I mean, I’ve handled everything in my life to date pretty well. And even though I’ve got some issues to work through, I realize that because I can recognize these issues, and work on them everyday, I’m sure that eventually I will get past them.

One thing is for sure – I’ll be keeping up with my writing. It’s cathartic to write about my issues – because often I’ll start writing and I don’t know where I’ll end up. Like today – I dunno what the hell happened up there. It felt like I was circling around a point that I didn’t really make. Oh well, from my brain to your screen – another ramble about my issues.

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March 10, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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