Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

A disjointed ramble about stress and relationship models

I think stress in other areas of my life have almost certainly been adding to my dating woes. For example, yesterday I was feeling pretty mopey – fantasizing about this girl I dated getting back to me and making things all better. (An example of externally seeking validation.) But for the past week, I’ve been stumped on a particular problem in my PhD thesis – and it was super stressful, for if I didn’t solve this problem, then my thesis would’ve been seriously compromised.

But yesterday evening, I finally figured out my math problem. This morning, I just so happen to be feeling much better about myself. Not having as many external validation fantasies (just a general sense of regret about how things ended with this girl, which will probably last until I meet someone of a similar character.) But in general, I’m feeling much more calm and composed today. Hence, this leads me to believe that stress in one area of life will affect your stress in all areas of life.

When it comes to dating for men, we can’t take our cues from TV. We need to be calm, grounded and emotionless objects. We need to be the type of men that our women can depend on. For it’s women who are greatly affected by their emotions. (If you think that’s sexist, please tell me how a monthly shot of sex hormones doesn’t affect your brain chemistry.) Ergo, men need to live up to their biological responsibility as leaders of the relationship. She needs to know that whatever drama she’s currently experiencing, she can depend on you to be a stable source of leadership, wisdom and strength.

Which is why TV is terrible when it comes to relationships. On TV, whenever a guy has a crisis of confidence, he turns to his woman for someone to lean on, and they talk things out, and things are all better. But in reality, if you do this, a woman will lose faith in you.

As an analogy, if you worked for a company, and the boss was always coming to you with his doubts about whether or not the company would make it, or whether he was a good boss, or this or that… pretty soon, you’d lose faith in that company. It’s the same thing in relationships – if you’re constantly revealing your doubts and feelings to your woman, she’s going to lose faith in your strength as a leader.

The best way to overcome this lack of strength, I think, is to develop the qualities of a leader. That is, focus on the mission, make your needs a priority, and be ready to lead others by example. This is what I’m trying to work on at the moment. I’m trying to make my needs a priority and seek for internal validation. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a long time. It takes daily effort.

The other thing, is that there won’t be a clear point where I’ve achieved this sense of self-validation. It will happen after working on it, and failing, until I reach a point where I don’t care about what other people think, because I’m ok with myself. And I’m gradually learning to be ok with myself. I’m currently reading a book on assertiveness, and I’m recalling the dates I went on on the weekend and can pinpoint the areas I need to improve on. (For example, leave when I’m bored – or when I know there’s no connection. Also, go for coffee instead of beer – takes a lot less time, and less investment.)

This ramble has been all over the place today. I sorta wanted to highlight how stress in one area of your life will stress you out in all areas of your life, but I think I got off topic. Still no dates for the weekend, but I’m a work on that. Gotta have something to write about!

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March 11, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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