Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

A ramble on the thesis moratorium

Man, dating is stressing me out. I mean, I’m already stressed about my thesis, but with this dating on top of it, it’s even more stressful. I think I will probably get off Tinder, and just focus on my thesis until it’s done. I ‘unno – I’d like to meet someone, but I’m not really where I’m at in terms of self-motivation, and I’m still looking to girls for validation. I think I will probably do nothing but my thesis until it’s done.

Because, well, my thesis is going to take a shit-load of time. And if I’m constantly distracted by girls, and relationships and all that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it done.

Just this morning, I was texting with a girl – J3 – and I sent a text that was way too intense. Then I spent some time wondering about how she’d take it, and worrying about what to say.

I mean, this is no way to do things. I should be focusing on work when it’s time for work – not what some girl, who I don’t even see a future with, thinks about my text. I think, due to my high cortisol, any slightly stressful event gets magnified. And right now, because I’m aware of this need, I get stressed out over it on a daily basis. Because I’m thinking about this need I have, and how best to fill it.

If we add on top of that, I can’t really even use Tinder for hooking up, since I live with my family. So logistics for sex are dependent on the other girl. What a bummer.

So I think what I’ll do is focus on myself and my career, until I get to a point where I’ve moved out. Once I’m back on my own, in my own place, earning some real money, then I’ll worry about getting my Love goals handled.

Because, in the meantime, I’ll be working on myself. Number one, I’ll be positioning myself for a life-long career in Math. At the moment this is going to be more important than meeting women. If I’m to be an attractive man, then certainly I should be able to afford to take girls out on dates, etc… A man without a job or a means of income is an unattractive man. No one likes a bum.

Number two, I’ll be working on my health. Right now, because of the kidney, I’m carrying a lot of extra weight around my belly. Steroid guy, it’s known as. I need to be somewhat fanatical about my diet if I’m to eliminate this fat – as the pills I take everyday naturally increase belly fat. So, by the time I’m done my thesis, as long as I stick to my diet and keep working out everyday, I’ll look a million times better. This will increase my self-confidence for sure.

One thing is that it will eliminate the stress of dating. I seem to be pretty sensitive at the moment – pretty worried about other people. What I need to focus on is myself. I need to focus on being self-motivated, being happy by working on my goals.

I think once I’ve reached a better place, then I’ll go back to dating. I think I’ll basically go on a “thesis moratorium”, until I’m done. Those are now my new Love goals. Get my thesis done, get my own place, get a salaried position in academia (post-doc or prof). Once that’s been handled, a major source of stress will be eliminated, and I can then concern myself with dating.

That sort of introduces a new source of stress though: sexual frustration. Maybe this is how I’ll learn to channel my sexual energy. We’ll see…

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March 25, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

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