Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Sleepy ramble – thesis moratorium didn’t last long

Well, so much for the thesis moratorium. It lasted until about 8:00pm last night, when I set myself up for a date tonight and reinstalled Tinder. I think the lousy weather is having an affect on me – I was fine until about February, when the anxiety hit. It may be due to S.A.D (which is an aptronym if I’ve ever heard one.) Luckily, sunny days are right around the corner – so nothing I can do but wait it out, work hard on my thesis, and try and relax tonight when I’m on my date.

My date is with J3 – and so we’ll see how that goes. She’s 6’2, and taller than me – but she’s a pretty redhead, and I have a thing for pretty redheads.

What else? My sexual energy is charged up – despite being super tired today, I’m hoping I can have a super-productive afternoon of working on my thesis. I will probably have another nap – my date tonight is at 9:30, which is pretty damn close to bedtime for me. Oh, silly me, agreeing to such a late night date.

I think, when it comes to my Love goals, I need to be more proactive. As it stands, right now I’m relying mostly on Tinder for dates. What I should be doing, is approaching pretty women on the street and talking to them. But this is pretty damn stressful, especially since I’m not in the habit of approaching strangers on the street and talking to them. So, I think, once I’m done this semester and I move to an evening schedule, that every evening I’ll go out for an hour and practice talking to women on the street.

I started doing a similar program in October of last year (or maybe it was 2 years ago, sheesh!) and got sidetracked almost immediately with work demands. But this summer, I plan to sleep in, then exercise immediately, spend the rest of the day working on my thesis or my class, then going out to meet women, and finally coming home to smoke a joint and relax.

Again, I seem to be pretty goddamn impatient. I should remind myself that I’ve met pretty girls in the past who were attracted to me, and so it’ll happen again. I think I wrote in my flawed bonding post, about how I tend to expect the worst to happen whenever something bad happens. So if I break up with someone, my brain will start thinking, “She was perfect for me! I’ll never meet anyone again! I’ll be alone for my whole life!” – Which, frankly, is ridiculous – and moreover, I’m the one in control of my brain. So I should be training myself to think more positively, taking up mantras such as, “I’ll meet someone if I put my best self forward” or something like that.

The thing is, meeting people happens outside, and I’m a big fan of staying inside. I don’t like to be too busy with social activities, I like to be by myself a lot. Which is why I’m struggling with my current situation – if I like being by myself so much, why am I bummed about women all of a sudden? Is it because I now recognize this need I have for connection, and because I’m currently not meeting this need I’m stressing out about it?

That’s what I think is happening – plus, due to my medical condition, I think it’s easier for me to stress out about things. Maybe what I need to do is just practice relaxing. Either meditation, or something like that. Something to put me on an even keel, and remind myself that life will happen no matter what – I’d be better focused on making the most of my day, rather than worrying about the future or agonizing over the past. That may be easier said than done, but if I start practicing today, I’ll be a lot better off in the future.

One thing is for sure – sleep is important. It’s weird how I can go to bed early, be super tired, and still not fall asleep for 90 minutes. (And then wake up an hour before my alarm will go off.) Gotta do something about that.

Oh well… Looking ahead, I’ll have a PhD, be employed in academia, be in great physical condition, and I’m always fun to be around. What woman wouldn’t want me? All I need to worry about is putting my best self forward and making the most of today.

And we’ll probably start off with a nap.


March 26, 2015 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

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