Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Sorting through my feelings about J3 – a relationship ramble

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!

May 7, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment