Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

I would say I handled that… poorly. Ramble about breaking up with J3 and future goals

Welp, I don’t think I handled the breakup particularly well. J3 texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” call and I said yes. Then later she texted if this was a good or bad talk, and I said bad. Finally, she texted me asking if I needed to end things with her, and although my instinct was to text back for her to call me, instead I texted “yes.” And she texted back, “Ok done.” And that was it. A bit later, she called me wanting to know my reasons (for closure), and I said that, based on her actions, I felt like I couldn’t trust her anymore. She said “fine” and I haven’t heard from her since.

In retrospect, I think I could’ve handled things a bit better. After she texted me with the “is this a we need to talk” text, I should’ve said yes, then just waited for her to call. I think feeding her the gradual truth through text was the cowards way out. I wasn’t looking forward to the breakup call, but I think I should’ve just sacked up and done it, rather than the terse, text message way I handled it.

Ah well… there’s plenty more breakups to come, and I’m sure eventually I’ll get better at handling it.

Anyhoo, I was a bit bummed yesteday – mostly because when J3 called, I could tell she was upset, and it’s no fun making other people sad. Regardless, I’ve got to prioritize my happiness over anyone else’s, and so I’ll move forward and try to learn a lesson for the next time.

I’m less bummed today – it’s fun having someone to text and looking forward to seeing them again and cuddling and sex is great. But ultimately, I don’t think we were going to last anyway. I was thinking about breaking up with her a couple weeks ago, and so now it’s done and I can move forward.

So now I’m single again… and I do like the thought of being alone. I very much like the idea of locking myself in my room and working on my thesis until it’s finished. Except that I’ve been pretty lazy today when it comes to math. Of course, today I teach my class in the evening, which is somewhat exhausting, so I think that probably plays a role in my laziness.

Anyhoo, now that I’m single again, I have the opportunity to develop patience. As I’ve stated many times, I would like to make a deep, emotional connection with a special girl. However, these things don’t happen overnight – so instead I will focus on becoming the best “me” I can be. If this means I go without a date for a couple weeks, or I have to face rejection by hitting on women, then so be it. But for now, I think I’ll take a little break from all that to get over J3.

Or will I? One thing I know is that, unless I’m working on my goals, I’ll quickly become bored and/or frustrated. Taking a day off to watch tv or play video games all day doesn’t hold that same appeal that it once did. I do like relaxing in the evening by watching TV and playing Hearthstone – but doing that all day? Man, what a waste of a day?

I think my current problem is finishing my thesis. I’ve got basically everything written down and now I’ve got to go through the manuscript and edit it. This is sort of boring – it’s actually really boring to write a paper. The fun part of math is the research – discovering a wild new theorem, or proving something brand new. That’s fun! Writing down what you did in intricate detail, doing a literature review, crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s [sic] – that’s tedious. And that’s where I am now in my thesis.

However, I know that I’ve got to get it done. So I think I will have to set a daily goal along the lines of “edit 4 pages a day” or something like that, so I can be done in a month. Actually, that’s not a bad idea – currently, for my notes, I’ve got a daily goal of “3 pages of notes a day” – which is doable. So if I add onto that 4 pages of editing, that means that my daily math has a limit. Which is good, because working with no set target in mind is a great way to burn out.

Boom! There we go – thank heavens for this blog. It’s a lot easier for me to figure out solutions to my problems if I just start typing. Generally, I’ll start these posts with no idea where I’ll end up. But they do help me sort through my issues and help me discover how to better attack my goals. So that’s all good good good!

If you’re reading these posts, I hope they’re helping you too. In some small way. At the very least, I hope they inspire you to create some goals for yourself and take action. If nothing else, you can enjoy all my dating failures along the way to my inevitable successes.


May 14, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The inevitable breakup with J3

Welp, looks like I’ve got to break up with J3. She’s going away to Toronto this weekend with some guy – and I don’t think that’s very appropriate.

First, when we last talked, she said she was a monogamous person. And even though we’re not exclusive, spending the weekend with some guy doesn’t strike me as particularly monogamous.

Second, we talked last night, and she mentioned she was going away for the weekend with a friend – but deliberately omitted mentioning that it’s a guy. Which tells me that she’s obviously planning to have sex with this guy on the weekend.

Third, her mother is sick with Leukemia. The fact that she’ll pass up a weekend at home to go to Toronto tells me where her values lie. And I can’t be with someone if we don’t share the same values.

Bottom line, these actions tell me she’s not really interested in an exclusive relationship. And ultimately, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

In fact, I told her on the weekend that I had trust issues stemming from a previous relationship. And I don’t think going out with someone else for a weekend getaway is a good way to engender trust between us.

If I don’t trust someone, I don’t want to be with them. And so I don’t want to see J3 anymore – not even as fuck buddies. As it happens, I’m pretty bad at separating feelings from sex – maybe I’d feel differently if I were seeing other women. But I’m not.

So that’s that then. She texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” message, and I said yes. So she knows what’s coming later on. I learned my lesson from J2 though – I’ll make sure to break up with her over the phone rather than text. And so she’ll call me between 6:00 and 7:00 I expect, and I’ll break up with her, and that will be that.

Oh well – I’m feeling anxious at the moment, because breaking up isn’t fun. I don’t know if her feelings will be hurt, but still, no one likes to be rejected (which is what breaking up is, essentially), and no one likes to be the one doing the rejecting. So my stomach is all full of vomiting butterflies, but I’ll feel better once it’s done.

Truthfully, she was a bit heavy for my liking. I’d rather meet someone fit and feminine. Oh sure, we had some good times together, and she was easy to get along with. But going away for the weekend with some other guy tells me where I am on her priority list.

Ultimately, we make time for the people we care about. Really, I’m more appalled that she wouldn’t spend a couple days with her mother.

Anyhoo, I’ve been mulling over breaking up with her for a couple weeks now, and this weekend getaway just sealed the deal. Bummer.

Welp, time to get back on the ol’ Tinder train, going out for dates on Friday/Saturday/Sunday until I meet someone. It’s either that, or I go into “Monk mode” and just spend all my free time working on my thesis, so I can move out into a cool bachelor pad, and then go about learning how to approach women. We’ll see…

In any case, I’ve got a break up call coming later on today, which is no fun. However, my parents are going away this weekend – so it’s gonna be a great time to get stoned off my ass, play video games and watch Game of Thrones.

Yup – so, no GoT recap today, that’s for sure. I’m thinking tomorrow will be all about the breakup call with J3 and my feelings. I’m thinking I’ll be fine, but you never know.


May 13, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A lazy Friday ramble; short talk with J3 and binge watching a show doesn’t improve productivity

Welp, J3 and I had a good talk last night. Apparently most doms don’t like sharing, so my conflicted feelings are normal. If she wants, she’ll only see this couple as a friend – and that’s probably what I’ll end up doing. Will this lead to an exclusive relationship? Who knows? I’m seeing her tonight for this BDSM party thing and we’ll see what happens.

I think I’d be ok with an exclusive relationship – even though I have trust issues, and the idea scares me a little. But she’s pretty, fun to be around, and was pretty amazing about this whole situation. Plus, the benefit of having a sub is that she wants to make me happy, which is how it should be. Welp, we’ll see what happens. Of course any news will be posted on this blog, which is all about goals and me sorting through my feelings.

In other news – holy balls it’s hot. It’s 30 goddamn degrees out – and I said I’d wear a suit to the party this evening. Guh, I’m gonna be sweating like a whore in church. Apparently it’s just a heat wave, and things will go back to normal next week…

Anyhoo – nothing makes a timeless blog post like talking about the weather.

What else is going on? I’ve been binge-watching House recently. I love House – not only for his deductive skills, but for his non-stop sass too. But really, this binge-watching is cutting into my productive work time. I like doing my notes for class while watching House – but it just means that it takes 3 times as long to write my notes. I’m going to have to set a goal for myself to not watch any TV until I’ve done all my math and my workout for the day. Suprisingly, I can play piano while I’m watching TV – I’m pretty much done my piano book. I need to learn one more song, perfect a couple more, and then I need to move onto the next book. I think this puts me firmly into the beginner-intermediate stage of piano playing – as opposed to the advanced-beginner stage where I’ve been for the past little while.

Also, in between class and binge-watching my show, and having a social life in the evening, I’ve only done 2 workouts this week – probably 3 ’cause I’ll do one tomorrow. That’s definitely not how I want to do things. I think, for this upcoming week, I’m really gonna focus on getting up and getting going – doing all my math and my workouts efficiently, and as soon as possible, so I can relax and watch my show and play video games and relax.

That’s the thing about exercise – it requires consistency. On Tuesdays and Thursdays it’s tough to get everything done because I leave for class at 5:00pm, so I’ll make those cardio days. Sunday will be a rest day (maybe not this week) and MWFSat will be lifting days. If I could find the required self-discipline to workout 6 days a week, that would be ideal.

Of course, one issue I have is that I like to stay up late. I’ll stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 before falling asleep – which leads me sleeping in until 9:00 – then coffee and goals and waking up takes until 10:00 and boom, half the morning’s gone. So I suppose another thing I should really focus on is going to bed early Sunday through Thursday. (Friday, not so much – Friday’s a pretty lazy day anyway.)

I think I’ll make that my new habit for the month of May. Each month, I try and instill a new habit in myself – and for May, I think that habit will be going to bed early 5 nights a week. I guess it’s a little late to make it a monthly goal since we’re already a week into May – but my wall calendars are each 5 weeks long. So instead of a monthly habit, I’ll make it a 5 week habit. That sounds feasible.

Anyhoo – probably no blog’s until Monday. Tomorrow I’m gonna be tired from staying out with J3 tonight – and I’m going to do my best to do a workout, and then work on my thesis for the rest of the day. Probably go to bed early too – Sunday morning there’s a Mother’s day brunch which will be at 10:00 in the morning, so it’ll be up and atom!

Have a great weekend everybody!

May 8, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sorting through my feelings about J3 – a relationship ramble

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!

May 7, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Monday J3 ramble

Oh man – I was washing my face with this new beard softener for the past week, because I wanted my face to be kissably smooth for J3. But it turns out, I’m allergic to one of the ingredients – so I had to shave off my beard, and now my face looks pretty chewed up. It looks like Ray Liotta’s face will look 20 years from now, if Ray starts smoking meth today. That’s how bad it is. Guh. I’m hoping it will clear up by Friday – I’ve got a date with J3.

Again, when it comes to J3, I need to keep reminding myself to stay in the present. When I’m with her, I enjoy myself and have fun – but when I’m apart from her, I have a tendency to look far into the future and see if there’s a place for her. This is a bad way to be – especially for me – because if I don’t see a future with her, I’ll get anxious. But as I decided last week, I enjoy hanging out with her, and as long as I’m happy when I’m with her, and I can manage not to get ahead of myself, then I can just relax and enjoy her company. We’re not married. We’re not in an exclusive relationship. We’re just dating casually – and if I can remember to keep myself from becoming too anxious about the future, then that’s probably the best way to be.

Meanwhile, I had a date with J3 this past weekend. On Friday, we went out for dinner (which she bought) and then to a comedy show. Subsequently, we went back to her place where I stayed the night. Her aunt (whom she lives with) had to leave for work early Saturday morning, so J3 and I basically had a super-lazy morning in bed, cuddling, nuzzling, teasing, snuggling and plenty of sex. It was good.

Another suprise – out of the blue, J3 got me a little gift! She gave me a book on meditating (something which we’ve been talking about). I was pretty surprised by that – but I guess it shows that she’s attracted to me, and wants to demonstrate that by a thoughtful gift. So, big point for J3 there. However, J3 did have a cold over the weekend – and now it would appear that I’ve got it too. So bleah to that.

Anyhoo – I’ve got a date with J3 again on Friday. We’re going to some BDSM presentation type thing which is being held at a swinger’s club. I’m not too sure what to expect – and given that J3 and I aren’t exclusive, I’m not too sure how she’s going to act. I think I’ll set a ground rule of no playing with other people – what she does in her own time is her own business, but we’re going as a couple, and we’re there together as a couple. No need to introduce any notions of jealousy at such a thing, I’d think. But then again, J3 is bisexual – so maybe she can play with another woman? I ‘unno… I’m pretty sure a ground rule of no playing with anyone else, man or woman, is a good idea. Even though we’re not exclusive, it’s probably a good rule to obey this time.

Wow – look at me ramble on about J3. I’ll say this about J3, despite being a bit heavy in areas, she’s a lot sexier than J2 ever was. And I may have given the impression that all we ever do is have sex – not really. We waited 3 dates before having sex, and we spend a lot of time out and about. But there’s something about her smile and her eyes that has me captivated. Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s into goals in general. Or some hodge-podge of all the above. Whatever it is, I’m glad I didn’t break up with her last week. But still, I’ll do my damndest not to look too far ahead and stay in the moment, less my neediness issues rear their ugly head.

What else? My first class is tomorrow. I’m teaching 1st year calculus to a bunch of Engineers. I’ve barely begun my notes – but I’m pretty confident. Calculus is something I’m really good at – and 1st year calculus should be a breeze. Unfortunately, the book we’re using isn’t very good. As a summer prof, I’ve got no say in what book I can choose – so we have to go with a book written by a faculty member. Course textbooks, what a scam.

Whoop – that’s 15 minutes. I guess time flies when I’m rambling about redheads.

May 4, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Meandering ramble: J3 or not J3?

I’m not sure whether or not I should keep dating J3. She’s pretty insistent about this BDSM stuff, and that’s not really a commitment I can make right now. I’d rather just hang out, have some laughs, and have sex. The idea that sex would be this time-consuming, psycho-sexual thing… well, I dunno about that.

But maybe I just haven’t read enough about it. Maybe I should read a bit more – because there are aspects of BDSM I like, namely the domination. I like being in control, I like being in a position of power, and I definitely like the idea of a woman catering to my every desire.

Maybe this is me over-investing my feelings, and looking too far in the future. I mean, we’re just casually dating – we’re not exclusive or anything like that. I’m certainly free to date other women – although due to my temperament, I don’t have much of an interest.

Also, I think the fact that I’m willing to break up with J3 gives me a certain sense of power. If we keep dating, and she breaks up with me, then I’m no worse for wear, since I was going to do that anyway. But if I keep dating her, I can practice my dating skills, and I get to have sex.

I think the only problem them is that I’m continuing to see J3 when I know in the back of my mind there’s probably no long term future there. That’s ok as long as I’m completely honest with J3. Or is it?

I guess that’s the thing, it’s that I should define my values, so I know whether I’m going against them or not.

But I think as long as I’m honest with J3, then that’s ok. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or anything like that – and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become exclusive with her either – I’ll just be up front about what I want, and where I am in life.

The thing that makes me pause about breaking up with her, is that she’s read about goals. She’s either read (or re-read) Maxwell Maltz’s psycho-cybernetics – which is all about visualization, and training your brain to react a certain way. And as I like to think, anything is possible when you’ve got goals.

I ‘unno. I do have some sexual fantasies I want to cross off the bucket list, and there’s a good chance I can do that with J3. I think I’ll just keep on dating her, as long as it doesn’t become a source of stress or anxiety. If not, then we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward – stay in the present, keep an open mind, be as honest as possible (while still maintaining a sexy mystique) and enjoy the time I have with her.

I’ll say this – her face is quite captivating, and she smiles a lot. I’ll just keep things casual for now, not over-invest my feelings, and just try to get the most out of every day.

Because this thesis is a killer. But having sex every weekend with a pretty redhead isn’t a bad way to blow off steam.

April 29, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rambly ramble: dating J3

Welp, the Sens didn’t win game 6, and now they’re out of the playoffs. Too bad, but that was a hell of a run they went on. Next year looks promising!

But in the meantime… as far as I’m concerned, hockey’s over. I’m aware that there’s still 2 Canadian teams left in the playoffs, but I just don’t care. I mean, I can’t bring myself to cheer for Montreal (especially after that cheap slash by Subban on Stone) – maybe I’ll root for Calgary. But as it stands, I doubt I’ll watch any more hockey until the Stanley Cup finals. And even then, I’ll probably only half-watch it anyway.

But whatevs – moving on. What’s going on? Had a date with J3 on Saturday. We went out to dinner, then – as I had the house to myself – we came back to my place and watched a movie. She stayed the night, which was nice – but then I had to drive her to work in the morning. Wowzers – she is very much a morning person, and I am very much not. I like hanging out with her, she’s fun to be around – but if I’m honest, she’s probably a bit fatter than I’d like. Still, there’s something about her that makes me wildly attracted to her – maybe it’s the hair, or her face, or her awesome, rockin’ tits. She’s intriguing in a way I find hard to describe – but still, I’ve learned my lessons from J2, so I’m still trying to take things slow, not look to far ahead, and just enjoy the moment whenever I’m with her. So far, so good.

However, since I’ve been seeing J3, I’ve been very lax in setting up other dates. I think I’ve mentioned this previously – but I’m very much an introvert, so I really enjoy my alone time. And in between living with people, seeing J3 once a week, and occasionally hanging out with my buddies, I’ve got a social life that, to me, is very satisfying. Thus, I’d much rather stay home by myself than go out on dates. I’m not too sure if this helps or hinders my issues – but I know in the back of my mind that if/when I’m done dating J3, I can go out on plenty more dates and find another girl to hang out with.

In the meantime, I’m trying to focus mostly on myself and my goals. I’m steadily making progress on the thesis – I’m working out regularly, I’m getting really good at piano – well, when I say really good, I mean really good for a total beginner. Yup, things are coming along. What I’d like to do better is spend less time surfing the internet – and more time working goals. The problem there, is that once I’ve finished my “To Do” list for the day, I get into the “relaxing” mindset, and don’t have any more ambition for the rest of the day. Maybe, the key is to schedule more tasks on my “To Do” list, so that I finish later in the evening. Well… we’ll see. I start my class next week, so I’m gonna be plenty busy with writing notes and working Tues/Thurs evenings.

Yeah – not to mention, April is almost over. Which means that most of May will be spent editing my thesis. Judging by how long it’s taken me to write it so far, I think I’ll probably defend sometime in the fall term. That’s not too bad – the fall is when I’d be applying for a post-doc position anyway, so I’m sure things will all work out.

Anyhoo – that’s a tight 15 right there. I saw Game of Thrones last night – it was pretty sweet, lots of doings a transpirin’. I’ll do a recap tomorrow.

April 27, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A lazy ramble about the same stuff I always ramble about

Another fabulous Friday is upon us! Sens play tonight, I’ve figured out a thing that was bugging me for my thesis, and I’m hooking up with J3 tomorrow. Life is good.

The only question that remains: what to write about?

I ‘unno… I’m getting pretty darn good at piano. I’ve only got one song left in my book to learn, then I can move onto a new book.

This book that I’m reading at the moment [ed: 100 years of solitude] is heartbreaking in so many different ways. The characters all seem to age but stay alive, and they each seem to take on a weird temperament that prevents them from achieving happiness. Well… I shouldn’t say that. Some characters appear to be happy – they’re loud, boisterous and gregarious, but maybe they’re just covering up for the loneliness they feel inside. The other thing is that I’m almost certain the story is some sort of parable and/or allegory – but I’m never good at picking up on those things. What I read is what I’m thinking happens in the book – and any sort of double meaning that the book is supposed to portray is lost on me.

Anyhoo… what else? I ‘unno… I’m satisfied with my dating issues with where they are. I’ll date J3 for the time being and see what happens. She’s into goals, so it may happen that she could be worth a long term investment – but I’m desperately trying not to think that far ahead. It is my nature to plan for the future – but one can’t plan for other people. With J2, I almost immediately started making long-term plans despite the fact that I didn’t know her very well. Hence, for J3, I plan to take my time to get to know her, make sure she’s fun to hang out with, and we’ll see if my anxiety manages itself. As it happens, my anxiety is pretty darn low when I’m with her – and especially when we’re apart, so I’d say that’s a pretty good sign. In any case, time will pass no matter what – just gotta keep working on my goals, day in, day out.

One thing I could be doing better is going to bed early. It takes me so long to fall asleep – usually an hour or more. If I went to bed earlier, I’d be able to get up around 8:00 and get going – I think I’d get more done that way. But I do like my alone time late at night – where I can smoke weed and play video games.

I’m quite sure my bedtime will regulate itself when I move back out on my own. When I was living on my own a couple years ago – I had a very solid routine, and I got 8 hours of sleep a night. But because I live with my parents, and because they’ve been subjected to 60 years of anti-cannabis propaganda, I’ve got to sneak around if I want to smoke a J. Such a bummer. In any case, I’ll be out on my own by the end of the year, and my sleep can get back to normal. In the meantime, I can enjoy sleeping in until 10:00 or so every morning, and just taking life easy.

That’s one thing that’ll reduce my anxiety – is just taking things easy. Like the hockey players say – don’t get too high, don’t get too low. Just try and enjoy my daily routine, and feel good about myself at the end of the day when I’ve got all my goals done.

Anyhoo – that’s a tight 15. Go Sens Go! Do or die baby! Wooo!

April 24, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A meandering ramble about patience and feeling good

Ah, bloggity bloggity blog. That’s how I start when I don’t know what to write about.

Just another day. I seem to be doing better at developing patience – I got up this morning, started going about my goals, and I haven’t really stopped since then. I can appreciate that all my goals will take a long time to accomplish, and the best thing I can do is wring the most out of this wet towel of a day. Eventually, down the line, I will achieve all my goals – as long as I put in the work everyday.

I’m doing well with my workouts. Had another killer workout today – even though I was super sore and tired and easily could’ve skipped it. My thesis is coming along – it looks likely that I’ll get a rough draft done by may 1st. Maybe some of the “number of solutions” stuff might need to be scaled back, but that’s ok. I think my thesis will lead me to a post-doc position, as there’s a bunch more research I could be doing related to my main idea.

Piano is coming along – I’ve got a beginner piano book called “Alfred’s Basic Piano – Volume 1” and I can play just about every song in that book really well. I’ll be looking to get volume 2 soon – and I’d be willing to pay actual money to get it. This book has served me very well – I’d say I’m very proficient at the C, F & G major scales, as well as the standard blues chord progression in those scales. Right now, I’m working on the associated minor scales for C & F major – that is, A and D minor. I’m very happy with how things are going. In a few months when I’m out on my own, I’d seriously consider getting lessons. But I’ve done so well with this book, it’s tough to say. In any case, I’m super happy with how things are going – I love playing music and learning the piano is really fun now!

Writing is going ok – this blog is my primay writing outlet. I feel like my blog posts are better when I’ve got issues to work through – as I can write out my thoughts and gradually make sense of them. But are there issues I’ve got? I’m sure there are – I’ve got a need for an emotional and physical connection with someone special, and I’m working towards it. But right now, I’m just concentrating on looking after myself and not looking too far down the road. I’ll see J3 again on the weekend – and though I doubt we have serious long term potential, in the meantime, I can learn to relax and just enjoy her company for what it is. I’d say that’s my biggest issue with dating right now – it’s learning to develop patience in dating, learning how to enjoy the moment and not look too far ahead.

I suppose the other thing I should be focusing on is going on dates. I did set a goal for the month of april to go out on 5 dates – not too sure the dates with J3 count – so that goal looks tough to meet at this point. I think my problem is that I’m lazy when it comes to socializing. Well, maybe not lazy – but socializing takes a lot out of me. I’d much rather stay home and watch tv or play video games – at least, that’s my attitude when I’m dating someone. If it ends tomorrow with J3, then I’d probably go back to Tinder and hustling up some dates. But as it stands right now, I’m cool with how things are.

I think that means I’m doing well on my issues. I think I’ve internalized self-validation to some extent – in that I’m not particularly disturbed if I’m not seeing someone. Well, maybe I should say that when I’m not seeing anyone, and we’ll see how I feel. But today, I’m feeling pretty good about things. My thesis will get done, I’ll lose the weight I want to lose, I’ll get better at dating and meeting women, and I’ll learn how to play the piano.

I suppose one thing I could be doing better is being positive. I get too caught up with long-term problems and forget to focus on the short-term, i.e., what I could be doing today. But I’m wondering if this is stress caused by my pills – or my cognitive biases leads to this stress, which is magnified by the pills. Ah well…

Anyhoo, Ep 2 of GoT was last night. It wasn’t spectacular, but it did set up every story for the upcoming season. I’ll probably do a recap of that tomorrow. Happy Tuesday!

April 21, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dating ramble: insecurity and sex

Ah – the wordpress layout is back to normal. This is pleasing to me, and possibly you – as I won’t be whining about it anymore.

Anyhoo, I ‘unno what it is about sex – but as soon as I have it, I start to get all needy. At least, that’s sort of the way I’m feeling today. I was talking with J3 a bit last night – and she’s into BDSM, so we’re talking about what turns us on and what kinks we have and stuff… And now I’m feeling a bit needy. Or maybe insecure, I’m not too sure. Maybe it’s the idea that I don’t want to lose this girl because of the sex? I ‘unno… It seems weird how I can go from being secure about this girl and where I stand with her, to insecure practically overnight. I guess I still have to look inward for validation – and although I’m doing better, I’m still not over my issues.

One thing I am doing better at is my anxiety. I’m not tremendously anxious about J3 – at least, not to the degree I was with J2. I think this is because I’m not rushing anything and I haven’t slotted her into a role that she hasn’t earned yet. So, I am making progress…

I think the other thing is that I haven’t had any recent matches on Tinder. So I’ve got no backup plan. I think that’s the part of me that wants to tackle all my problems immediately – and take action on whatever’s bothering me. I still have a ways to go with developing patience.

Anyhoo – I dunno why I immediately jump to destructive thoughts. My insecurities seem to be rearing their ugly head – and although nothing’s changed between J3 and I, I still feel insecure. Welp – one thing I’ve learned is that I’ll keep all that to myself. I will look internally to generate security with myself – it’s weird to me how sex can change my mindset. Maybe it’s also that it’s a gloomy day, so maybe I’m bummed because of that. Who knows? It’s the damndest thing…

In any case, I will keep pursuing my goals – keep working through my issues. Someday soon, I’ll be confident in myself and I won’t be affected by sex all that much. But for now, just gotta take it day by day – try and relax, and keep myself busy.

Welp – the good news is that I did a workout today. I’ve been slacking a little bit due to sleep issues – so I made sure to go to bed early last night, and I had a killer workout today. However, I’m feeling pretty exhausted from my workout. Life, eh?

In other news – the Sens beat the Rangers last night, so they’ve got a really good chance of making the playoffs. Wow! Wouldn’t that be something – especially since I essentially gave up on this team awhile back. Shut my mouth – let me just skin my knees hopping back on the bandwagon. Tomorrow the Sens play the Flyers – and if they get a single point, they’re in the playoffs. Tomorrow’s gonna be a hell of a game!

What else – this book (100 years of solitude) I’m reading just keeps getting more and more strange. But there’s something about the way it’s written – whenever I start reading it, it’s as if I’m sucked into the hot, dream-like state that the characters seem to be enveloped in. It’s written in a magical realism style – which means I really have to pay attention, because it’s also set in about 1880 or so – and it’s tricky to tell what’s just an old-timey device, and what’s really magic. In any case, I’m loving this book so far.

Anything else? I’m on Season 3 of The Walking Dead. That show is catastrophically stupid – but I can’t turn away! It’s super intense too – since anyone could die at any moment.

Speaking of anyone dying at any moment – Game of Thrones is back on Sunday! Wooo! I’m super stoked for that. My buddy gave me a special GoT-inspired beer for Christmas, and I’ve been saving it especially for the season premiere. Oh man, I don’t want to oversell it, but it’s going to be better than 10 superbowls!

I might even take a picture of me with my beer and post in on Instagram! How else will people know I watched the season premiere.

Anyhoo, that’s a tight 15. No dates this weekend – so posts might be a bit slackadaisical. But if anything blogworthy happens, or if I need to talk through some more of my insecurities, you’ll be the first to hear about it.

Have an awesome weekend!

April 10, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment