Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

A rambly ramble – House MD and Sherlock should do a crossover

Welp, it’s Monday. Time for another ramble.

Although I stayed up late last night, I still managed to get a bunch done. Got up, did my notes for class – then did this crazy new workout that I’ll be doing for the summer. It’s a full-body barbell routine that I’ll do on MWF so that it’ll better fit my schedule. But since I didn’t exercise since last Wednesday, I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna be hella-sore tomorrow! Also did my piano – and man am I ever getting good at piano.

Anyhoo – on Friday I went to that BDSM thing with J3. It was… different. I suppose it’s just a place where people can gather and enjoy their fetishes and chat with other people who enjoy these fetishes. But the fetishes that people enjoy are so weird and varied… There was a lot of sorta strange stuff going on, and basically everyone stuck together in their little cliques. I ‘unno if I’d go back to another one – I think I’d rather enjoy my sexual fetishes in private. (Although, here I am blabbing about them on the internet. Go figure.)

What else? Had a good Mother’s day yesterday – went to brunch, ate a lot of bacon, it was good. But then I had pizza for dinner – and lemme tell ya, I’m super happy I was able to make it through my workout, because my tummy was not feelin’ all that great before hand.

Game of Thrones Season 5 continues. I think I missed an episode recap last week – so tomorrow and Weds. I’ll try and do a recap for the past two episodes. There’s plenty of stuff going on in the show – but naturally, they’ve had to cut out a lot of stuff that happened in the books. As well, due to the show wanting to keep the number of characters manageable, a bunch of subplots from the books have been either eliminated, or changed to accommodate certain story-lines in the show. But it seems that Season 5 will roughly end where Book 5 ends – but how they’ll get all the characters there is anyone’s guess at this point.

I’ve also been binge-watching House MD. (Though not while I did my notes this morning – hooray for self-discipline.) Man is that ever a good show! I mean, it’s basically a medical Sherlock Holmes – and in fact, they make various references to his throughout the show’s run. (House lives in apartment 221B, House and “Holmes” are phonetically equivalent to mean a dwelling, House uses his superior powers of deductive reasoning to make guesses about people’s lives.) It’s awesome – I’m currently on Season 4, where he’s choosing a new team (featuring the smokin’ hot Olivia Wilde.) But Seasons 1 and 2 each featured a “villain” which House had to outsmart – a medical Moriarty, if you will.

Wow – fandom alert. I would love for Hugh Laurie (the guy who plays House) to show up on BBC’s Sherlock (starring Benedict Cumberbatch) and have him be a doctor or Sherlock’s enemy or something like that. I’m sure there’s plenty of fan scripts out there with even better ideas than I’ve just had.

Hmm… anything else? Nothing that I can think of. My days basically consist of – wake up, goals, math, workout, piano, writing, reading, math, video games and tv, bed. Unless it’s a weekend, in which I’ll see a buddy or J3 or something. Tough to blog about that repeatedly for days on end and have it be interesting.

Anything going on with goals? I changed my calendars yesterday – so that instead of monthly goals, I’ll have 5-week goals to accomplish. (Also, happy to report that I weighed in at 15.0% body fat today – despite my disaster of a diet yesteday. Looks like regular exercise is paying off.)

Anyhoo – i’ll probably write down my 5 week goals tomorrow, since I thought of it just now and my time’s running out. I’ll set goals for health, love, math, fortune and fame – and I’ll try and make them a bit more ambitious than the May goals (in the categories in which I achieved my goals for May) and then something more manageable for those categories in which I missed a monthly goal.

Finally, the second week of my class is this week. I’m super excited to teach the kids about limits and continuity – and we’ll see if I can get a better reaction that the first week of boring review.

That’s 15 – onto the thesis!

May 11, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sorting through my feelings about J3 – a relationship ramble

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!

May 7, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Monday J3 ramble

Oh man – I was washing my face with this new beard softener for the past week, because I wanted my face to be kissably smooth for J3. But it turns out, I’m allergic to one of the ingredients – so I had to shave off my beard, and now my face looks pretty chewed up. It looks like Ray Liotta’s face will look 20 years from now, if Ray starts smoking meth today. That’s how bad it is. Guh. I’m hoping it will clear up by Friday – I’ve got a date with J3.

Again, when it comes to J3, I need to keep reminding myself to stay in the present. When I’m with her, I enjoy myself and have fun – but when I’m apart from her, I have a tendency to look far into the future and see if there’s a place for her. This is a bad way to be – especially for me – because if I don’t see a future with her, I’ll get anxious. But as I decided last week, I enjoy hanging out with her, and as long as I’m happy when I’m with her, and I can manage not to get ahead of myself, then I can just relax and enjoy her company. We’re not married. We’re not in an exclusive relationship. We’re just dating casually – and if I can remember to keep myself from becoming too anxious about the future, then that’s probably the best way to be.

Meanwhile, I had a date with J3 this past weekend. On Friday, we went out for dinner (which she bought) and then to a comedy show. Subsequently, we went back to her place where I stayed the night. Her aunt (whom she lives with) had to leave for work early Saturday morning, so J3 and I basically had a super-lazy morning in bed, cuddling, nuzzling, teasing, snuggling and plenty of sex. It was good.

Another suprise – out of the blue, J3 got me a little gift! She gave me a book on meditating (something which we’ve been talking about). I was pretty surprised by that – but I guess it shows that she’s attracted to me, and wants to demonstrate that by a thoughtful gift. So, big point for J3 there. However, J3 did have a cold over the weekend – and now it would appear that I’ve got it too. So bleah to that.

Anyhoo – I’ve got a date with J3 again on Friday. We’re going to some BDSM presentation type thing which is being held at a swinger’s club. I’m not too sure what to expect – and given that J3 and I aren’t exclusive, I’m not too sure how she’s going to act. I think I’ll set a ground rule of no playing with other people – what she does in her own time is her own business, but we’re going as a couple, and we’re there together as a couple. No need to introduce any notions of jealousy at such a thing, I’d think. But then again, J3 is bisexual – so maybe she can play with another woman? I ‘unno… I’m pretty sure a ground rule of no playing with anyone else, man or woman, is a good idea. Even though we’re not exclusive, it’s probably a good rule to obey this time.

Wow – look at me ramble on about J3. I’ll say this about J3, despite being a bit heavy in areas, she’s a lot sexier than J2 ever was. And I may have given the impression that all we ever do is have sex – not really. We waited 3 dates before having sex, and we spend a lot of time out and about. But there’s something about her smile and her eyes that has me captivated. Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s into goals in general. Or some hodge-podge of all the above. Whatever it is, I’m glad I didn’t break up with her last week. But still, I’ll do my damndest not to look too far ahead and stay in the moment, less my neediness issues rear their ugly head.

What else? My first class is tomorrow. I’m teaching 1st year calculus to a bunch of Engineers. I’ve barely begun my notes – but I’m pretty confident. Calculus is something I’m really good at – and 1st year calculus should be a breeze. Unfortunately, the book we’re using isn’t very good. As a summer prof, I’ve got no say in what book I can choose – so we have to go with a book written by a faculty member. Course textbooks, what a scam.

Whoop – that’s 15 minutes. I guess time flies when I’m rambling about redheads.

May 4, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Meandering ramble: J3 or not J3?

I’m not sure whether or not I should keep dating J3. She’s pretty insistent about this BDSM stuff, and that’s not really a commitment I can make right now. I’d rather just hang out, have some laughs, and have sex. The idea that sex would be this time-consuming, psycho-sexual thing… well, I dunno about that.

But maybe I just haven’t read enough about it. Maybe I should read a bit more – because there are aspects of BDSM I like, namely the domination. I like being in control, I like being in a position of power, and I definitely like the idea of a woman catering to my every desire.

Maybe this is me over-investing my feelings, and looking too far in the future. I mean, we’re just casually dating – we’re not exclusive or anything like that. I’m certainly free to date other women – although due to my temperament, I don’t have much of an interest.

Also, I think the fact that I’m willing to break up with J3 gives me a certain sense of power. If we keep dating, and she breaks up with me, then I’m no worse for wear, since I was going to do that anyway. But if I keep dating her, I can practice my dating skills, and I get to have sex.

I think the only problem them is that I’m continuing to see J3 when I know in the back of my mind there’s probably no long term future there. That’s ok as long as I’m completely honest with J3. Or is it?

I guess that’s the thing, it’s that I should define my values, so I know whether I’m going against them or not.

But I think as long as I’m honest with J3, then that’s ok. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or anything like that – and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become exclusive with her either – I’ll just be up front about what I want, and where I am in life.

The thing that makes me pause about breaking up with her, is that she’s read about goals. She’s either read (or re-read) Maxwell Maltz’s psycho-cybernetics – which is all about visualization, and training your brain to react a certain way. And as I like to think, anything is possible when you’ve got goals.

I ‘unno. I do have some sexual fantasies I want to cross off the bucket list, and there’s a good chance I can do that with J3. I think I’ll just keep on dating her, as long as it doesn’t become a source of stress or anxiety. If not, then we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward – stay in the present, keep an open mind, be as honest as possible (while still maintaining a sexy mystique) and enjoy the time I have with her.

I’ll say this – her face is quite captivating, and she smiles a lot. I’ll just keep things casual for now, not over-invest my feelings, and just try to get the most out of every day.

Because this thesis is a killer. But having sex every weekend with a pretty redhead isn’t a bad way to blow off steam.

April 29, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A bleah ramble about feeling tiredly bleah

Having a tough time gettin’ ‘er goin’ today.

It’s a bummer when I wake up after (what I thought was) a nice sleep, and I’m bone tired. Listless. Draggin’ my bones around the room.

I don’t understand it – I assume it’s probably a side effect of the pills I’m on, but it’s still a bummer. Maybe I need to drink more coffee or something, I ‘unno.

Anyhoo – it’s always a tough day when I get this tired. I’ve managed to do a little bit of math and some piano, so it’s not all bad – and I’m doing my writing, and I’ll do my reading – but I doubt very highly I’ll do a workout. Still somewhat a productive day, but it doesn’t really feel like it.

I think the reason it doesn’t feel productive, is because I don’t have a whole lot of energy. I like it much better when I’m able to get up and get going. And it hasn’t been that way today – I’ve been sluggishly making my way through my chores, feeling all bleah. Luckily, I was able to reschedule my date tonight to Thursday – so, that’s good.

I had my little talk with J3 last night. She seems to be pretty big into BDSM – well, no such much the sadism/masochism, from what I understand, but domination/submission. Which is good, because I’m into that stuff as well. But I think that’s best expressed when there’s a certain level of trust established, which can only happen over time. Which is what I’ll tell her when I speak with her tonight. I certainly don’t want to commit to anything right now until I know more about her character. That was certainly a mistake I made with J2 which I don’t want to make again.

Man – I been drifting off this whole post. Feelin’ pretty tired and uninspired. Just one of those bleah days, I suppose. I’ma see if I can go to bed early again – but get up early, and drink more coffee. We’ll see how well that will work for me.

Oh – and I watched Game of Thrones season premiere last night. It was pretty much the exact opening of Book 5, so there was nothing terribly revelatory for me. But it was still awesome, because we’ve got GoT back!

April 14, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment