Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

I would say I handled that… poorly. Ramble about breaking up with J3 and future goals

Welp, I don’t think I handled the breakup particularly well. J3 texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” call and I said yes. Then later she texted if this was a good or bad talk, and I said bad. Finally, she texted me asking if I needed to end things with her, and although my instinct was to text back for her to call me, instead I texted “yes.” And she texted back, “Ok done.” And that was it. A bit later, she called me wanting to know my reasons (for closure), and I said that, based on her actions, I felt like I couldn’t trust her anymore. She said “fine” and I haven’t heard from her since.

In retrospect, I think I could’ve handled things a bit better. After she texted me with the “is this a we need to talk” text, I should’ve said yes, then just waited for her to call. I think feeding her the gradual truth through text was the cowards way out. I wasn’t looking forward to the breakup call, but I think I should’ve just sacked up and done it, rather than the terse, text message way I handled it.

Ah well… there’s plenty more breakups to come, and I’m sure eventually I’ll get better at handling it.

Anyhoo, I was a bit bummed yesteday – mostly because when J3 called, I could tell she was upset, and it’s no fun making other people sad. Regardless, I’ve got to prioritize my happiness over anyone else’s, and so I’ll move forward and try to learn a lesson for the next time.

I’m less bummed today – it’s fun having someone to text and looking forward to seeing them again and cuddling and sex is great. But ultimately, I don’t think we were going to last anyway. I was thinking about breaking up with her a couple weeks ago, and so now it’s done and I can move forward.

So now I’m single again… and I do like the thought of being alone. I very much like the idea of locking myself in my room and working on my thesis until it’s finished. Except that I’ve been pretty lazy today when it comes to math. Of course, today I teach my class in the evening, which is somewhat exhausting, so I think that probably plays a role in my laziness.

Anyhoo, now that I’m single again, I have the opportunity to develop patience. As I’ve stated many times, I would like to make a deep, emotional connection with a special girl. However, these things don’t happen overnight – so instead I will focus on becoming the best “me” I can be. If this means I go without a date for a couple weeks, or I have to face rejection by hitting on women, then so be it. But for now, I think I’ll take a little break from all that to get over J3.

Or will I? One thing I know is that, unless I’m working on my goals, I’ll quickly become bored and/or frustrated. Taking a day off to watch tv or play video games all day doesn’t hold that same appeal that it once did. I do like relaxing in the evening by watching TV and playing Hearthstone – but doing that all day? Man, what a waste of a day?

I think my current problem is finishing my thesis. I’ve got basically everything written down and now I’ve got to go through the manuscript and edit it. This is sort of boring – it’s actually really boring to write a paper. The fun part of math is the research – discovering a wild new theorem, or proving something brand new. That’s fun! Writing down what you did in intricate detail, doing a literature review, crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s [sic] – that’s tedious. And that’s where I am now in my thesis.

However, I know that I’ve got to get it done. So I think I will have to set a daily goal along the lines of “edit 4 pages a day” or something like that, so I can be done in a month. Actually, that’s not a bad idea – currently, for my notes, I’ve got a daily goal of “3 pages of notes a day” – which is doable. So if I add onto that 4 pages of editing, that means that my daily math has a limit. Which is good, because working with no set target in mind is a great way to burn out.

Boom! There we go – thank heavens for this blog. It’s a lot easier for me to figure out solutions to my problems if I just start typing. Generally, I’ll start these posts with no idea where I’ll end up. But they do help me sort through my issues and help me discover how to better attack my goals. So that’s all good good good!

If you’re reading these posts, I hope they’re helping you too. In some small way. At the very least, I hope they inspire you to create some goals for yourself and take action. If nothing else, you can enjoy all my dating failures along the way to my inevitable successes.

May 14, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The inevitable breakup with J3

Welp, looks like I’ve got to break up with J3. She’s going away to Toronto this weekend with some guy – and I don’t think that’s very appropriate.

First, when we last talked, she said she was a monogamous person. And even though we’re not exclusive, spending the weekend with some guy doesn’t strike me as particularly monogamous.

Second, we talked last night, and she mentioned she was going away for the weekend with a friend – but deliberately omitted mentioning that it’s a guy. Which tells me that she’s obviously planning to have sex with this guy on the weekend.

Third, her mother is sick with Leukemia. The fact that she’ll pass up a weekend at home to go to Toronto tells me where her values lie. And I can’t be with someone if we don’t share the same values.

Bottom line, these actions tell me she’s not really interested in an exclusive relationship. And ultimately, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

In fact, I told her on the weekend that I had trust issues stemming from a previous relationship. And I don’t think going out with someone else for a weekend getaway is a good way to engender trust between us.

If I don’t trust someone, I don’t want to be with them. And so I don’t want to see J3 anymore – not even as fuck buddies. As it happens, I’m pretty bad at separating feelings from sex – maybe I’d feel differently if I were seeing other women. But I’m not.

So that’s that then. She texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” message, and I said yes. So she knows what’s coming later on. I learned my lesson from J2 though – I’ll make sure to break up with her over the phone rather than text. And so she’ll call me between 6:00 and 7:00 I expect, and I’ll break up with her, and that will be that.

Oh well – I’m feeling anxious at the moment, because breaking up isn’t fun. I don’t know if her feelings will be hurt, but still, no one likes to be rejected (which is what breaking up is, essentially), and no one likes to be the one doing the rejecting. So my stomach is all full of vomiting butterflies, but I’ll feel better once it’s done.

Truthfully, she was a bit heavy for my liking. I’d rather meet someone fit and feminine. Oh sure, we had some good times together, and she was easy to get along with. But going away for the weekend with some other guy tells me where I am on her priority list.

Ultimately, we make time for the people we care about. Really, I’m more appalled that she wouldn’t spend a couple days with her mother.

Anyhoo, I’ve been mulling over breaking up with her for a couple weeks now, and this weekend getaway just sealed the deal. Bummer.

Welp, time to get back on the ol’ Tinder train, going out for dates on Friday/Saturday/Sunday until I meet someone. It’s either that, or I go into “Monk mode” and just spend all my free time working on my thesis, so I can move out into a cool bachelor pad, and then go about learning how to approach women. We’ll see…

In any case, I’ve got a break up call coming later on today, which is no fun. However, my parents are going away this weekend – so it’s gonna be a great time to get stoned off my ass, play video games and watch Game of Thrones.

Yup – so, no GoT recap today, that’s for sure. I’m thinking tomorrow will be all about the breakup call with J3 and my feelings. I’m thinking I’ll be fine, but you never know.

Bleeeeahhhh!

May 13, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jesus! Another beta ramble about this relationship? Come on man!

Man O man am I still ever bummed about how things ended between me and this girl. I just wrote her a 3 page letter explaining my feelings behind the break up. Certainly not a very ‘alpha’ thing to do, but I need some kind of closure. I can’t stand all this anxiety that comes with relationships. From what I’ve read online, anxiety comes from low self-esteem. (In my case, I think the pills are helping that on a little bit.) In fact, it might be worthwhile to get some sort of low-grade benzodiazepine, as I’m having a difficult time managing my stress. We’ll see…

Anyhoo, now that the letter is written, the ball is in her court. If I were her, I’d never talk to me again. So I’m not really expecting anything – but it sure would be nice to hear from her. Although, I still don’t think we should get back together – we broke up because of my issues, and if we got back together, I’d still have to deal with those issues. I just hope that with my letter, she feels even the tiniest bit better. I’ve never broken up with someone while I still liked them – so I hate the thought of her being hurt by me. But I suppose as I make my way through the dating world, I will have to break up with many girls – and I will get broken up with many times. I guess I’ll just have to accept these feelings for what they are, and keep moving forward.

It’s tough though. The things that make me a great mathematician, make it tough for me to leave a relationship alone. I tend to think in “black and white” terms – AKA: all or nothing thinking. Honestly, I think my brain is a bit messed up. When I was dating this girl, it was very hard to focus on anything else unless I heard from her. That’s me being insecure. But then when I didn’t hear from her, I would become anxious – because I expected she was acting based on how my last relationship went. (And in my last relationship, if I didn’t hear from my girl, then she was probably out at the club, doing coke, blowing guys in bathrooms, and any number of other slutty activities.) This girl seemed different – from what I could tell she was a sweet, demure girl. Sadly, that’s not the way I was thinking when we were apart – and my insecurities drove me crazy!

I ended things in order to end the stress and anxiety I was feeling. To some degree it worked, but now it’s been replaced by remorse and sadness. In retrospect, there were so many things I could’ve done just a little bit differently. Instead, I made a rash and foolhardy decision, and now I have to live with it.

I just hope that with this letter written, I can finally let things lay. I sorta hope to hear from her and I sorta don’t at the same time. I think all this was brought about because I went on a date last night – and it was awful. I spent the whole time comparing my date to this girl I just broke up with! Needless to say, she didn’t measure up at all.

Ah, what a mess I’ve made of things.

I ‘unno – I might also be feeling this way because I so rarely go out on ‘dates’. Usually I’m just content with hook-ups and one-night stands. It could very well be that I’ve put this girl up on a pedestal, simply because she was sweet, funny and easy to get along with.

Life was much easier when I wasn’t dating. I was content being alone – and aside from a lack of sex, life was a lot easier. Now that I’ve begun dating again, life is messy. Complicated. I don’t know how I’m going to get past my insecurities and issues without dating, however. It’s true that I was happy when I was alone, but every time I was with this girl I had a lot of fun. (Not even counting the sex, although that’s part of it – she was just such a joy to be around.)

Christ, another melodramatic ramble! These will continue until it’s all outta my system. Then back to rants about how much I hate Stana Katic!

February 24, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Requiem for a brief relationship

Well, that was a tumultuous affair. I ended things with the girl I was seeing. I’m just too insecure at the moment to deal with a serious relationship. Because of the last relationship I was in, I have issues with trust and fidelity. So when I started caring about this current girl, I became very insecure very fast. I was having anxiety every night that she didn’t text me – and that was only after a few dates. Relationships can be stressful, but if the girl was right for me, I doubt I would’ve been that anxious all the time.

Anyhoo, I broke up with her by text. I realize now this was a scumbag move – but I kept having this obsessive thoughts and it was seriously stressing me out. She was hurt by the way I broke up with her – but by text was the fastest way to solve my problem. In retrospect, I should’ve seen her today and broke up with her in person. I feel really low for how this ended.

But it’s too late now – what’s done is done. In retrospect, I didn’t handle any aspect of the relationship all that well. I was too needy, I was too emotionally invested, I didn’t challenge her views, I didn’t put my priorities ahead of hers (which is ridiculous for knowing someone for such a short time).

Most of all, I feel really bad because I did like her a lot. She had many admirable qualities: pretty, smart, funny, liked the Simpsons, easy to get along with. Ultimately, she had some negative qualities that made her not right for me in the long run.

However, I know that despite my poor actions in breaking up with her, that feeling will eventually go away. I can deal with regret – it’s ongoing anxiety that I can’t deal with.

The anxiety is likely caused by a couple factors: low self-esteem, and the pills I’m on. I’m currently on prednisone, which is a corticosteroid, which means I have abnormally high cortisol levels in my body. This causes undue stress and anxiety. Low self-esteem – well, I’m not too sure I have low self-esteem. I think I’m pretty awesome – but judging by the way I became so needy so quickly, there’s probably something to it. The only thing I can do there is keep working on my fitness and progressing towards my goals.

Yup. Feeling pretty low right now. The feeling will pass, but for now, not feeling great about myself.

February 22, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment