Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

The inevitable breakup with J3

Welp, looks like I’ve got to break up with J3. She’s going away to Toronto this weekend with some guy – and I don’t think that’s very appropriate.

First, when we last talked, she said she was a monogamous person. And even though we’re not exclusive, spending the weekend with some guy doesn’t strike me as particularly monogamous.

Second, we talked last night, and she mentioned she was going away for the weekend with a friend – but deliberately omitted mentioning that it’s a guy. Which tells me that she’s obviously planning to have sex with this guy on the weekend.

Third, her mother is sick with Leukemia. The fact that she’ll pass up a weekend at home to go to Toronto tells me where her values lie. And I can’t be with someone if we don’t share the same values.

Bottom line, these actions tell me she’s not really interested in an exclusive relationship. And ultimately, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

In fact, I told her on the weekend that I had trust issues stemming from a previous relationship. And I don’t think going out with someone else for a weekend getaway is a good way to engender trust between us.

If I don’t trust someone, I don’t want to be with them. And so I don’t want to see J3 anymore – not even as fuck buddies. As it happens, I’m pretty bad at separating feelings from sex – maybe I’d feel differently if I were seeing other women. But I’m not.

So that’s that then. She texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” message, and I said yes. So she knows what’s coming later on. I learned my lesson from J2 though – I’ll make sure to break up with her over the phone rather than text. And so she’ll call me between 6:00 and 7:00 I expect, and I’ll break up with her, and that will be that.

Oh well – I’m feeling anxious at the moment, because breaking up isn’t fun. I don’t know if her feelings will be hurt, but still, no one likes to be rejected (which is what breaking up is, essentially), and no one likes to be the one doing the rejecting. So my stomach is all full of vomiting butterflies, but I’ll feel better once it’s done.

Truthfully, she was a bit heavy for my liking. I’d rather meet someone fit and feminine. Oh sure, we had some good times together, and she was easy to get along with. But going away for the weekend with some other guy tells me where I am on her priority list.

Ultimately, we make time for the people we care about. Really, I’m more appalled that she wouldn’t spend a couple days with her mother.

Anyhoo, I’ve been mulling over breaking up with her for a couple weeks now, and this weekend getaway just sealed the deal. Bummer.

Welp, time to get back on the ol’ Tinder train, going out for dates on Friday/Saturday/Sunday until I meet someone. It’s either that, or I go into “Monk mode” and just spend all my free time working on my thesis, so I can move out into a cool bachelor pad, and then go about learning how to approach women. We’ll see…

In any case, I’ve got a break up call coming later on today, which is no fun. However, my parents are going away this weekend – so it’s gonna be a great time to get stoned off my ass, play video games and watch Game of Thrones.

Yup – so, no GoT recap today, that’s for sure. I’m thinking tomorrow will be all about the breakup call with J3 and my feelings. I’m thinking I’ll be fine, but you never know.



May 13, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sorting through my feelings about J3 – a relationship ramble

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!

May 7, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A lazy ramble about the same stuff I always ramble about

Another fabulous Friday is upon us! Sens play tonight, I’ve figured out a thing that was bugging me for my thesis, and I’m hooking up with J3 tomorrow. Life is good.

The only question that remains: what to write about?

I ‘unno… I’m getting pretty darn good at piano. I’ve only got one song left in my book to learn, then I can move onto a new book.

This book that I’m reading at the moment [ed: 100 years of solitude] is heartbreaking in so many different ways. The characters all seem to age but stay alive, and they each seem to take on a weird temperament that prevents them from achieving happiness. Well… I shouldn’t say that. Some characters appear to be happy – they’re loud, boisterous and gregarious, but maybe they’re just covering up for the loneliness they feel inside. The other thing is that I’m almost certain the story is some sort of parable and/or allegory – but I’m never good at picking up on those things. What I read is what I’m thinking happens in the book – and any sort of double meaning that the book is supposed to portray is lost on me.

Anyhoo… what else? I ‘unno… I’m satisfied with my dating issues with where they are. I’ll date J3 for the time being and see what happens. She’s into goals, so it may happen that she could be worth a long term investment – but I’m desperately trying not to think that far ahead. It is my nature to plan for the future – but one can’t plan for other people. With J2, I almost immediately started making long-term plans despite the fact that I didn’t know her very well. Hence, for J3, I plan to take my time to get to know her, make sure she’s fun to hang out with, and we’ll see if my anxiety manages itself. As it happens, my anxiety is pretty darn low when I’m with her – and especially when we’re apart, so I’d say that’s a pretty good sign. In any case, time will pass no matter what – just gotta keep working on my goals, day in, day out.

One thing I could be doing better is going to bed early. It takes me so long to fall asleep – usually an hour or more. If I went to bed earlier, I’d be able to get up around 8:00 and get going – I think I’d get more done that way. But I do like my alone time late at night – where I can smoke weed and play video games.

I’m quite sure my bedtime will regulate itself when I move back out on my own. When I was living on my own a couple years ago – I had a very solid routine, and I got 8 hours of sleep a night. But because I live with my parents, and because they’ve been subjected to 60 years of anti-cannabis propaganda, I’ve got to sneak around if I want to smoke a J. Such a bummer. In any case, I’ll be out on my own by the end of the year, and my sleep can get back to normal. In the meantime, I can enjoy sleeping in until 10:00 or so every morning, and just taking life easy.

That’s one thing that’ll reduce my anxiety – is just taking things easy. Like the hockey players say – don’t get too high, don’t get too low. Just try and enjoy my daily routine, and feel good about myself at the end of the day when I’ve got all my goals done.

Anyhoo – that’s a tight 15. Go Sens Go! Do or die baby! Wooo!

April 24, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A slackadaisical ramble

Oh man – haven’t been sleeping well the past couple days. It’s been a real drag. Both Tuesday and today I’ve had to get up early to run errands – and I ‘unno why, but I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep. As a result, I’ve been pretty slackadaisical lately – especially Tuesday. Luckily, I’ve been binge-watching “The Walking Dead”, so I’ve got that going for me.

Man – The Walking Dead (TMD) is such a catastrophically stupid show. Although I’m invested in some of the characters and their stories, it amazes me how stupid some people can be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Not to mention how pearly white everyone’s teeth are.

Anyhoo – got a date tonight with J3. We’re going for coffee and then headed to Yuk Yuk’s for amateur night. I’ve got a goal to go to amateur night at Yuk Yuk’s 4 times this month – so I can start on that goal tonight. Plus, I get to spend time with J3 – who’s pretty fun to be around. And we’ll probably make out a bit too… so that’s cool. Tomorrow’s post will almost certainly be about tonight’s date. I’m glad we’re going for coffee first – ’cause I am drag-assing today. Although, I did manage to do a workout, so that’s good. But I didn’t get the normal endorphin rush that I usually get after my workout – also, my right hip flexor is bothering me. Sigh, life is hard.

Anyhoo – not much else going on. Yesterday was a write-off, and today hasn’t been much better. However, one of the habits I’m trying to develop this month is 15 minutes of meditation. I did that this morning – but then immediately had a nap ’cause I was so tired. Guh – being tired is the worst. Just… low on energy, motivation, drive… all those things necessary to achieve my goals. I’m proud of myself for being semi-productive today, but this tiredness issue seems to come up all the time. Either I need to go to bed earlier, or have better self-discipline on days when I’m tired. I ‘unno… life is a work in progress.

What else? Man – this book I’m reading is killer. 100 Years of Solitude – yeah, I can see why he won the nobel prize for literature. It’s definitely magical realism – apparently this is a common style for latin-american writers.

Speaking of epic books – Game of Thrones comes back this Sunday! Man O Man am I pumped for that! I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite show – but it’s certainly a drama I enjoy. Generally, I don’t enjoy dramas because people spend too long yammering on about their feelings and not enough time advancing the plot. But GoT isn’t really like that – there’s too many characters for any one of them to yammer on too long about their feelings. Of course, there’s still a bunch of yammering – but it’s interrupted by skull crushing, incest and sword fights! Awesome!

Hrrmm… Anything else? Sort of writer’s blockied today – oh well, let’s cut off this train wreck a minute early. Plenty of dating goodness tomorrow, I bet.

April 8, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about developing self-reliance

One thing that I’m trying to do with my dating goals is to cultivate self-reliance. When I was dating this girl (who I will keep referring back to, since she’s the one that helped me discover all these issues I still had), one thing I noticed was that I was relying on her for validation. I would be anxious until the moment I saw her, and then that anxiety would go away. Based on the self-help books I’ve read, I’m guessing that’s because I was relying on her for acceptance, when really, I should have had that self-acceptance all along.

I think my big problem was I went in with the mindset of, “If this girl doesn’t like me, then I’m worthless.” Well, maybe not worthless – but it’s certainly close to something like that. Instead, I should’ve been going in with the mindset of, “I know who I am. I know what I’m about. Maybe this girl and I will get along, if *I* think she’s good enough.” Really, I should be depending on myself for acceptance, not someone else.

But it’s somewhat hard to generate self-acceptance, and self-confidence. I know that self-confidence comes from the knowledge that I can handle a situation – or I know that I have the skills to deal with whatever comes my way. There’s also the idea that self-confidence (and self-esteem) come from the repeated achieving of goals. The idea is that the more I can accomplish, the more I will believe in myself, and hence, the more I will generate self-esteem and look internally for solutions.

Maybe I should spend a certain amount of time everyday reflecting on my goals. I’ve accomplished a lot: I had a $50,000 a year job, I got my Masters Degree, I learned how to play the drums, I’m learning how to play the piano, I’ll be done my PhD quite soon.

That list was somewhat tough to come up with. I’m sure there are small things in my life that I wouldn’t count as goals, that people would love to count among their goals. Maybe having a good relationship with my family, for one thing. Or having a few really good, close friends.

With yesterday’s post, I noticed afterwards that I was externally focused. The post was all about what qualities someone else would have. Instead, if I’m to develop internal stability, I should be focusing mainly on my goals, and what I bring to the table. I think the idea should be that I should try and live my life the best way I can, and as I get better and better at dating, and more and more self-confident and self-assured, eventually I will be at a position where I can establish a meaningful connection with someone.

I ‘unno. It’s tough. I was having fantasies this morning of calling this girl I went out with and blabbing my feelings and having her make it all better. That is not what I want to be doing. I want to be cultivating self-reliance. And first and foremost, I need to ingrain the idea that it is me who will make everything better. By taking action on my goals, and living each day to the fullest, day in and day out, over time, I will get to where I need to be.

I can’t be depending on other people for solutions. That’s probably why I was so anxious when I was waiting to see this girl. Because I didn’t depend on myself for acceptance, being away from her means I was away from those feelings of acceptance – hence, the anxiety.

So what am I to do when I get in a state like I did this morning? I suppose I just need to focus on my breathing (easy trick to calm the heartrate and lower cortisol) and repeat to myself that, “I got this. Whatever happens, I can handle it.” I mean, I’ve handled everything in my life to date pretty well. And even though I’ve got some issues to work through, I realize that because I can recognize these issues, and work on them everyday, I’m sure that eventually I will get past them.

One thing is for sure – I’ll be keeping up with my writing. It’s cathartic to write about my issues – because often I’ll start writing and I don’t know where I’ll end up. Like today – I dunno what the hell happened up there. It felt like I was circling around a point that I didn’t really make. Oh well, from my brain to your screen – another ramble about my issues.

March 10, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Relationship stuff: feeling better, moving forward.

Well, the girl I broke up with wrote me back yesterday. As a result, I went over to her place to talk with her. We both agreed that we just weren’t in the right place to make it work. I’ve got my issues to deal with – and she’s not really looking to get back together – not after how I ended things. Also, her letter mentioned that my beta behavior turned her off.

I could’ve predicted that. I’m still working on my issues – but one of them is that I want to have an emotional connection with someone. But me, being Mr. Impatient, tried to rush things with this last girl – and it clearly put her off. On top of that, as I felt her pulling away, just like the slutty ex – I tried to hold on closer. This created a maelstrom of neediness on my part – and neediness is insecurity, which is not an attractive quality in a man.

So, moving forward, I realize the mistakes I’ve made, and I’ll learn from them. Most importantly, I see that I need to take things slow when dating – rather than just go “all-in” on the first girl I have a connection with. My plan now is to date multiple women at a time, until one of them brings up the idea of an exclusive relationship. I also will go into my dates with the mentality that, if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok.

Because one of my major cognitive biases is perfectionism. This past girl I dated – she was a high value woman – and I immediately overlooked her flaws and started thinking about her as ‘perfect.’ This undoubtedly put her on a pedestal and created those needy feelings within me. Certainly, we had a lot in common, and she was very sweet – but she was far from perfect. As it happens, no one is perfect – especially me, so I’ll try and remember that moving forward.

But I’m happy I talked things out with her last night – even though I’ll never see her again, which is sad. I’m feeling much better about myself today then I have in the past week or so. As a result, I reinstalled Tinder on my phone and will be going back to dating. I’m still aware of these issues I’m bringing to the table – but everyone’s got issues. And if I get serious with anyone, the first thing I’m going to work on is communication.

Because I’m pretty bad at talking about my feelings. Because my cortisol levels are so high – because of the pills I take – every feeling I have is magnified. So when I feel bad, I feel really bad. And when I feel happy, I feel really happy! This can create a roller-coaster of emotions – as due to my issues, I’m sensitive to rejection. But the important thing is that I’ll take things slow, at a level I’m comfortable at. And if I meet a quality woman, then she certainly won’t mind how slow I’m taking things.

It’s tough in this day and age to take things slow, however. There’s an emphasis on having sex on the third date – and becoming physical right away. Moreover, if I don’t get physical immediately, I run the risk of being put into the friend zone. I mean, I’m a man and I have manly desires – but I’ve got to look out for my own interests first. And if that means a little less sex for a lot more security, then so be it.

In fact, I’ve already got a date for Friday. And I’m working on one for Saturday. With this PhD thesis I have to work on, free time is at a premium. So I think two or three dates a week will work well for now. It allows me to take things slow and not get over-invested in one girl right away. I suppose I will still have to deal with separation anxiety during the week – but now that I understand where that’s coming from, I’ll be able to deal with it a lot better.

The other thing, is that dating multiple women at a time will indeed make me more attractive to said women. Women like a man who’s successful with other women – because if no woman wants you, why would she? So taking that attitude into my dates will give me an abundance mentality. It will allow me to not rely on any one woman to meet my socializing and emotional needs, and allow me room to grow as a person.

I’m still a bit nervous about dating – and I’m still regretful that I ended things with this previous girl. One thing her letter taught me was that, if I had communicated a lot better, we’d likely still be together. But in a way, I’m glad we’re not – I’m not glad that I don’t get to see her again – but I am glad that, by dating her, I was forced to confront my issues. I’ve let my issues lay dormant for a long time – and issues don’t get better if you don’t work on them, they just fester. Now that I’m aware of my issues, I can work on them going forward. Ultimately, I’ll meet a great girl with whom I have a real connection – and I can’t rush that.

So I’ll take things slow – because it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And I don’t want to get an emotional stitch ever again.

March 3, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jesus! Another beta ramble about this relationship? Come on man!

Man O man am I still ever bummed about how things ended between me and this girl. I just wrote her a 3 page letter explaining my feelings behind the break up. Certainly not a very ‘alpha’ thing to do, but I need some kind of closure. I can’t stand all this anxiety that comes with relationships. From what I’ve read online, anxiety comes from low self-esteem. (In my case, I think the pills are helping that on a little bit.) In fact, it might be worthwhile to get some sort of low-grade benzodiazepine, as I’m having a difficult time managing my stress. We’ll see…

Anyhoo, now that the letter is written, the ball is in her court. If I were her, I’d never talk to me again. So I’m not really expecting anything – but it sure would be nice to hear from her. Although, I still don’t think we should get back together – we broke up because of my issues, and if we got back together, I’d still have to deal with those issues. I just hope that with my letter, she feels even the tiniest bit better. I’ve never broken up with someone while I still liked them – so I hate the thought of her being hurt by me. But I suppose as I make my way through the dating world, I will have to break up with many girls – and I will get broken up with many times. I guess I’ll just have to accept these feelings for what they are, and keep moving forward.

It’s tough though. The things that make me a great mathematician, make it tough for me to leave a relationship alone. I tend to think in “black and white” terms – AKA: all or nothing thinking. Honestly, I think my brain is a bit messed up. When I was dating this girl, it was very hard to focus on anything else unless I heard from her. That’s me being insecure. But then when I didn’t hear from her, I would become anxious – because I expected she was acting based on how my last relationship went. (And in my last relationship, if I didn’t hear from my girl, then she was probably out at the club, doing coke, blowing guys in bathrooms, and any number of other slutty activities.) This girl seemed different – from what I could tell she was a sweet, demure girl. Sadly, that’s not the way I was thinking when we were apart – and my insecurities drove me crazy!

I ended things in order to end the stress and anxiety I was feeling. To some degree it worked, but now it’s been replaced by remorse and sadness. In retrospect, there were so many things I could’ve done just a little bit differently. Instead, I made a rash and foolhardy decision, and now I have to live with it.

I just hope that with this letter written, I can finally let things lay. I sorta hope to hear from her and I sorta don’t at the same time. I think all this was brought about because I went on a date last night – and it was awful. I spent the whole time comparing my date to this girl I just broke up with! Needless to say, she didn’t measure up at all.

Ah, what a mess I’ve made of things.

I ‘unno – I might also be feeling this way because I so rarely go out on ‘dates’. Usually I’m just content with hook-ups and one-night stands. It could very well be that I’ve put this girl up on a pedestal, simply because she was sweet, funny and easy to get along with.

Life was much easier when I wasn’t dating. I was content being alone – and aside from a lack of sex, life was a lot easier. Now that I’ve begun dating again, life is messy. Complicated. I don’t know how I’m going to get past my insecurities and issues without dating, however. It’s true that I was happy when I was alone, but every time I was with this girl I had a lot of fun. (Not even counting the sex, although that’s part of it – she was just such a joy to be around.)

Christ, another melodramatic ramble! These will continue until it’s all outta my system. Then back to rants about how much I hate Stana Katic!

February 24, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment