Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

The inevitable breakup with J3

Welp, looks like I’ve got to break up with J3. She’s going away to Toronto this weekend with some guy – and I don’t think that’s very appropriate.

First, when we last talked, she said she was a monogamous person. And even though we’re not exclusive, spending the weekend with some guy doesn’t strike me as particularly monogamous.

Second, we talked last night, and she mentioned she was going away for the weekend with a friend – but deliberately omitted mentioning that it’s a guy. Which tells me that she’s obviously planning to have sex with this guy on the weekend.

Third, her mother is sick with Leukemia. The fact that she’ll pass up a weekend at home to go to Toronto tells me where her values lie. And I can’t be with someone if we don’t share the same values.

Bottom line, these actions tell me she’s not really interested in an exclusive relationship. And ultimately, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

In fact, I told her on the weekend that I had trust issues stemming from a previous relationship. And I don’t think going out with someone else for a weekend getaway is a good way to engender trust between us.

If I don’t trust someone, I don’t want to be with them. And so I don’t want to see J3 anymore – not even as fuck buddies. As it happens, I’m pretty bad at separating feelings from sex – maybe I’d feel differently if I were seeing other women. But I’m not.

So that’s that then. She texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” message, and I said yes. So she knows what’s coming later on. I learned my lesson from J2 though – I’ll make sure to break up with her over the phone rather than text. And so she’ll call me between 6:00 and 7:00 I expect, and I’ll break up with her, and that will be that.

Oh well – I’m feeling anxious at the moment, because breaking up isn’t fun. I don’t know if her feelings will be hurt, but still, no one likes to be rejected (which is what breaking up is, essentially), and no one likes to be the one doing the rejecting. So my stomach is all full of vomiting butterflies, but I’ll feel better once it’s done.

Truthfully, she was a bit heavy for my liking. I’d rather meet someone fit and feminine. Oh sure, we had some good times together, and she was easy to get along with. But going away for the weekend with some other guy tells me where I am on her priority list.

Ultimately, we make time for the people we care about. Really, I’m more appalled that she wouldn’t spend a couple days with her mother.

Anyhoo, I’ve been mulling over breaking up with her for a couple weeks now, and this weekend getaway just sealed the deal. Bummer.

Welp, time to get back on the ol’ Tinder train, going out for dates on Friday/Saturday/Sunday until I meet someone. It’s either that, or I go into “Monk mode” and just spend all my free time working on my thesis, so I can move out into a cool bachelor pad, and then go about learning how to approach women. We’ll see…

In any case, I’ve got a break up call coming later on today, which is no fun. However, my parents are going away this weekend – so it’s gonna be a great time to get stoned off my ass, play video games and watch Game of Thrones.

Yup – so, no GoT recap today, that’s for sure. I’m thinking tomorrow will be all about the breakup call with J3 and my feelings. I’m thinking I’ll be fine, but you never know.

Bleeeeahhhh!

May 13, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A rambly ramble – House MD and Sherlock should do a crossover

Welp, it’s Monday. Time for another ramble.

Although I stayed up late last night, I still managed to get a bunch done. Got up, did my notes for class – then did this crazy new workout that I’ll be doing for the summer. It’s a full-body barbell routine that I’ll do on MWF so that it’ll better fit my schedule. But since I didn’t exercise since last Wednesday, I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna be hella-sore tomorrow! Also did my piano – and man am I ever getting good at piano.

Anyhoo – on Friday I went to that BDSM thing with J3. It was… different. I suppose it’s just a place where people can gather and enjoy their fetishes and chat with other people who enjoy these fetishes. But the fetishes that people enjoy are so weird and varied… There was a lot of sorta strange stuff going on, and basically everyone stuck together in their little cliques. I ‘unno if I’d go back to another one – I think I’d rather enjoy my sexual fetishes in private. (Although, here I am blabbing about them on the internet. Go figure.)

What else? Had a good Mother’s day yesterday – went to brunch, ate a lot of bacon, it was good. But then I had pizza for dinner – and lemme tell ya, I’m super happy I was able to make it through my workout, because my tummy was not feelin’ all that great before hand.

Game of Thrones Season 5 continues. I think I missed an episode recap last week – so tomorrow and Weds. I’ll try and do a recap for the past two episodes. There’s plenty of stuff going on in the show – but naturally, they’ve had to cut out a lot of stuff that happened in the books. As well, due to the show wanting to keep the number of characters manageable, a bunch of subplots from the books have been either eliminated, or changed to accommodate certain story-lines in the show. But it seems that Season 5 will roughly end where Book 5 ends – but how they’ll get all the characters there is anyone’s guess at this point.

I’ve also been binge-watching House MD. (Though not while I did my notes this morning – hooray for self-discipline.) Man is that ever a good show! I mean, it’s basically a medical Sherlock Holmes – and in fact, they make various references to his throughout the show’s run. (House lives in apartment 221B, House and “Holmes” are phonetically equivalent to mean a dwelling, House uses his superior powers of deductive reasoning to make guesses about people’s lives.) It’s awesome – I’m currently on Season 4, where he’s choosing a new team (featuring the smokin’ hot Olivia Wilde.) But Seasons 1 and 2 each featured a “villain” which House had to outsmart – a medical Moriarty, if you will.

Wow – fandom alert. I would love for Hugh Laurie (the guy who plays House) to show up on BBC’s Sherlock (starring Benedict Cumberbatch) and have him be a doctor or Sherlock’s enemy or something like that. I’m sure there’s plenty of fan scripts out there with even better ideas than I’ve just had.

Hmm… anything else? Nothing that I can think of. My days basically consist of – wake up, goals, math, workout, piano, writing, reading, math, video games and tv, bed. Unless it’s a weekend, in which I’ll see a buddy or J3 or something. Tough to blog about that repeatedly for days on end and have it be interesting.

Anything going on with goals? I changed my calendars yesterday – so that instead of monthly goals, I’ll have 5-week goals to accomplish. (Also, happy to report that I weighed in at 15.0% body fat today – despite my disaster of a diet yesteday. Looks like regular exercise is paying off.)

Anyhoo – i’ll probably write down my 5 week goals tomorrow, since I thought of it just now and my time’s running out. I’ll set goals for health, love, math, fortune and fame – and I’ll try and make them a bit more ambitious than the May goals (in the categories in which I achieved my goals for May) and then something more manageable for those categories in which I missed a monthly goal.

Finally, the second week of my class is this week. I’m super excited to teach the kids about limits and continuity – and we’ll see if I can get a better reaction that the first week of boring review.

That’s 15 – onto the thesis!

May 11, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sorting through my feelings about J3 – a relationship ramble

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!

May 7, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Monday J3 ramble

Oh man – I was washing my face with this new beard softener for the past week, because I wanted my face to be kissably smooth for J3. But it turns out, I’m allergic to one of the ingredients – so I had to shave off my beard, and now my face looks pretty chewed up. It looks like Ray Liotta’s face will look 20 years from now, if Ray starts smoking meth today. That’s how bad it is. Guh. I’m hoping it will clear up by Friday – I’ve got a date with J3.

Again, when it comes to J3, I need to keep reminding myself to stay in the present. When I’m with her, I enjoy myself and have fun – but when I’m apart from her, I have a tendency to look far into the future and see if there’s a place for her. This is a bad way to be – especially for me – because if I don’t see a future with her, I’ll get anxious. But as I decided last week, I enjoy hanging out with her, and as long as I’m happy when I’m with her, and I can manage not to get ahead of myself, then I can just relax and enjoy her company. We’re not married. We’re not in an exclusive relationship. We’re just dating casually – and if I can remember to keep myself from becoming too anxious about the future, then that’s probably the best way to be.

Meanwhile, I had a date with J3 this past weekend. On Friday, we went out for dinner (which she bought) and then to a comedy show. Subsequently, we went back to her place where I stayed the night. Her aunt (whom she lives with) had to leave for work early Saturday morning, so J3 and I basically had a super-lazy morning in bed, cuddling, nuzzling, teasing, snuggling and plenty of sex. It was good.

Another suprise – out of the blue, J3 got me a little gift! She gave me a book on meditating (something which we’ve been talking about). I was pretty surprised by that – but I guess it shows that she’s attracted to me, and wants to demonstrate that by a thoughtful gift. So, big point for J3 there. However, J3 did have a cold over the weekend – and now it would appear that I’ve got it too. So bleah to that.

Anyhoo – I’ve got a date with J3 again on Friday. We’re going to some BDSM presentation type thing which is being held at a swinger’s club. I’m not too sure what to expect – and given that J3 and I aren’t exclusive, I’m not too sure how she’s going to act. I think I’ll set a ground rule of no playing with other people – what she does in her own time is her own business, but we’re going as a couple, and we’re there together as a couple. No need to introduce any notions of jealousy at such a thing, I’d think. But then again, J3 is bisexual – so maybe she can play with another woman? I ‘unno… I’m pretty sure a ground rule of no playing with anyone else, man or woman, is a good idea. Even though we’re not exclusive, it’s probably a good rule to obey this time.

Wow – look at me ramble on about J3. I’ll say this about J3, despite being a bit heavy in areas, she’s a lot sexier than J2 ever was. And I may have given the impression that all we ever do is have sex – not really. We waited 3 dates before having sex, and we spend a lot of time out and about. But there’s something about her smile and her eyes that has me captivated. Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s into goals in general. Or some hodge-podge of all the above. Whatever it is, I’m glad I didn’t break up with her last week. But still, I’ll do my damndest not to look too far ahead and stay in the moment, less my neediness issues rear their ugly head.

What else? My first class is tomorrow. I’m teaching 1st year calculus to a bunch of Engineers. I’ve barely begun my notes – but I’m pretty confident. Calculus is something I’m really good at – and 1st year calculus should be a breeze. Unfortunately, the book we’re using isn’t very good. As a summer prof, I’ve got no say in what book I can choose – so we have to go with a book written by a faculty member. Course textbooks, what a scam.

Whoop – that’s 15 minutes. I guess time flies when I’m rambling about redheads.

May 4, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Meandering ramble: J3 or not J3?

I’m not sure whether or not I should keep dating J3. She’s pretty insistent about this BDSM stuff, and that’s not really a commitment I can make right now. I’d rather just hang out, have some laughs, and have sex. The idea that sex would be this time-consuming, psycho-sexual thing… well, I dunno about that.

But maybe I just haven’t read enough about it. Maybe I should read a bit more – because there are aspects of BDSM I like, namely the domination. I like being in control, I like being in a position of power, and I definitely like the idea of a woman catering to my every desire.

Maybe this is me over-investing my feelings, and looking too far in the future. I mean, we’re just casually dating – we’re not exclusive or anything like that. I’m certainly free to date other women – although due to my temperament, I don’t have much of an interest.

Also, I think the fact that I’m willing to break up with J3 gives me a certain sense of power. If we keep dating, and she breaks up with me, then I’m no worse for wear, since I was going to do that anyway. But if I keep dating her, I can practice my dating skills, and I get to have sex.

I think the only problem them is that I’m continuing to see J3 when I know in the back of my mind there’s probably no long term future there. That’s ok as long as I’m completely honest with J3. Or is it?

I guess that’s the thing, it’s that I should define my values, so I know whether I’m going against them or not.

But I think as long as I’m honest with J3, then that’s ok. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or anything like that – and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become exclusive with her either – I’ll just be up front about what I want, and where I am in life.

The thing that makes me pause about breaking up with her, is that she’s read about goals. She’s either read (or re-read) Maxwell Maltz’s psycho-cybernetics – which is all about visualization, and training your brain to react a certain way. And as I like to think, anything is possible when you’ve got goals.

I ‘unno. I do have some sexual fantasies I want to cross off the bucket list, and there’s a good chance I can do that with J3. I think I’ll just keep on dating her, as long as it doesn’t become a source of stress or anxiety. If not, then we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward – stay in the present, keep an open mind, be as honest as possible (while still maintaining a sexy mystique) and enjoy the time I have with her.

I’ll say this – her face is quite captivating, and she smiles a lot. I’ll just keep things casual for now, not over-invest my feelings, and just try to get the most out of every day.

Because this thesis is a killer. But having sex every weekend with a pretty redhead isn’t a bad way to blow off steam.

April 29, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about being cheery and dating stuff

Didn’t get a blog in yesterday. Was up early, and tired as a result and feeling bleah. I think when I stay up late and/or smoke weed late at night, it doesn’t result in as good a sleep. I want to develop self-discipline in myself, and I think the best thing I can do to make my day better is go to bed early. So I think the best place to start with self-discipline training is the day before, and I’ll strive to center an evening routine about turning off the computer and going to bed early.

J3 stuff: I was planning on renting a hotel for the weekend so we could have some privacy, but her monthly visitor is here, so that’s been canceled. We’ll go out for tea or something instead, postpone the hotel to another night. That’s good for me in that I save a lot of money, but bad ’cause there’s no sex. As we both live with our families, it will be a challenge to find alone time together. But I had plenty of nights alone to myself all last summer, so I’m sure I’ll find time for us to be together. Right now I’m focusing on taking my time to get to know this girl, not invest my feelings too early, and not put her in the ‘girlfriend’ spot until she’s earned it.

Any other girls? I’ve got a date set for Sunday with J4. We’ll see how that goes. I think the last date I was on was with… wow, I can’t remember her name – or even codename, for that matter. Anyhoo, I think it’s been a few weeks. Just gotta focus on leaning back, not being too invested, but still being a playful sort. I’m definitely getting better at being playful – certainly less dour and serious. In any case, it’ll get me closer to achieving my goal of 5 dates for the month of April. I’d better hurry and get on that, because time is running out.

I was messaging with one girl on Tinder and she agreed to drinks, but I haven’t heard from her since, so I ‘unno what’s up with that. I’m assuming that as girls as simply inundated with messages on Tinder, I got lost in the shuffle. Oh well, the best thing I can do is keep living for myself – keep working on my goals, keep improving.

And the other thing I can do is cheer up. I think being cheerful is also a sign of developed patience – I’m not going to achieve my goals overnight, it takes many days of work strung together. The best thing I can do is focus on being consistent in my day-to-day tasks – but also being cheerful while I do them. I need to realize that, no matter what, time will pass. I can either spend that time surfing the internet looking at pictures of cats, or I can spend it on my goals – knowing that the cat pics will still be there at the end of the day.

Anyhoo – short one today. I kept drifting off thinking about stuff because of the cannabis. Sens playoffs tonight! Go Sens Go!

April 17, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday’s ramble: Sens, dating, goals and compromises

Back to work Monday – that’s what I call it.

This weekend was a bit of a waste. I had a family party on Saturday, and I was tired going into it, and so drank more beer than necessary in order to be able to socialize. And lemme tell ya, I was paying for it on Sunday. Consequently, I didn’t get much done over the weekend.

Anyhoo, I went to bed super early last night, got a hella-sleep under my belt, and I’m doing well today. I had a great workout, did a bunch of math, did my piano, now I’m doing my writing. I’ll do my reading and meditation after this, then finish up with some yoga and then the first episode of Season 5 of Game of Thrones!!!

Yeah – I was in no condition to watch the episode last night. I was asleep by 9:00pm anyway. So tomorrow is undoubtedly going to be a recap about the first episode of GoT.

Anyhoo – what else is going on? I’ve got a date on Tuesday – so I’m 1/5th of the way towards achieving my love goals for the month. Actually, I probably shouldn’t do that – count my chickens before they hatch. Let’s say instead that it looks promising that I will get started on my Love goals by the end of day, Tuesday.

What else – J3 is acting a little strange. She’s big into BDSM, and apparently takes it very seriously. I had hoped to spend the weekend with her – alone and naked most of the time – but she’s wanting to “talk” with me about something first. And when women want to “talk” about something, it’s rarely ever good. Luckily, because I have been good about not over-investing my feelings too early, if we’re not compatible because of this BDSM thing, then I’ll accept it. Of course, it’s a bummer, because she’s a pretty redhead, and I’ve had fun hanging out with her – but that’s the way these things go sometime.

I suppose I’m in a more contemplative mood because I’ve been reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. So far, he’s very big on making the best use of your time throughout the day – live in the moment, live like every breath is your last, throw yourself into your tasks – that sort of thing. I can appreciate that type of mindset – especially when it comes to goals. Ever since I’ve made some goals for myself, I find I can’t enjoy relaxing or taking time off. When there’s goals to work on, I feel like I should be working on them – but it’s usually somewhat difficult, as not working on them is so much easier. Procrastinating is very easy when there’s the internet in front of you. But today I’ve been pretty good about focusing 100% on the task in front of me, and not worrying about other stuff. (Well, I was preoccupied with J3 for a bit, but then I did my workout, and I was able to focus afterwards.)

What else is going on? Oh that’s right, the Ottawa Senators have made the playoffs! Woo! I’m pretty goddamn stoked about there being playoff hockey back in Ottawa again. Especially since earlier blog posts were all about how I’ve accepted that this team wasn’t going to make the playoffs, etc… But now they have! And better yet, we’re playing Montreal! Man O’ man, this is gonna be a hell of a series! First game is Wednesday night.

This presents to me a bit of a problem – since my fame goals for the month involve going to Yuk Yuk’s every Wednesday to check out amateur night. Last week, amateur night ran from 8:30 to 10:30 – which means if I do go to Yuk Yuk’s, I’ll only be able to see the first 1.5 periods of the game. It’s a tough decision at the moment – one other possibility is that I could go to Yuk Yuk’s on Tuesday, which is also an amateur night. But I can’t do that this week, because I’ve got a date at 7:00 – actually, maybe I could. Go on my date for an hour then book it to Yuk Yuk’s? We’ll see.

What a wonderful time of year it is – there’s playoff hockey, I’m having fun dating, I’m in the glorious in-between-semester period at school, and on top of all that, it’s 22 degrees outside. Yessir, everything’s coming up Milhouse!

April 13, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dating ramble: insecurity and sex

Ah – the wordpress layout is back to normal. This is pleasing to me, and possibly you – as I won’t be whining about it anymore.

Anyhoo, I ‘unno what it is about sex – but as soon as I have it, I start to get all needy. At least, that’s sort of the way I’m feeling today. I was talking with J3 a bit last night – and she’s into BDSM, so we’re talking about what turns us on and what kinks we have and stuff… And now I’m feeling a bit needy. Or maybe insecure, I’m not too sure. Maybe it’s the idea that I don’t want to lose this girl because of the sex? I ‘unno… It seems weird how I can go from being secure about this girl and where I stand with her, to insecure practically overnight. I guess I still have to look inward for validation – and although I’m doing better, I’m still not over my issues.

One thing I am doing better at is my anxiety. I’m not tremendously anxious about J3 – at least, not to the degree I was with J2. I think this is because I’m not rushing anything and I haven’t slotted her into a role that she hasn’t earned yet. So, I am making progress…

I think the other thing is that I haven’t had any recent matches on Tinder. So I’ve got no backup plan. I think that’s the part of me that wants to tackle all my problems immediately – and take action on whatever’s bothering me. I still have a ways to go with developing patience.

Anyhoo – I dunno why I immediately jump to destructive thoughts. My insecurities seem to be rearing their ugly head – and although nothing’s changed between J3 and I, I still feel insecure. Welp – one thing I’ve learned is that I’ll keep all that to myself. I will look internally to generate security with myself – it’s weird to me how sex can change my mindset. Maybe it’s also that it’s a gloomy day, so maybe I’m bummed because of that. Who knows? It’s the damndest thing…

In any case, I will keep pursuing my goals – keep working through my issues. Someday soon, I’ll be confident in myself and I won’t be affected by sex all that much. But for now, just gotta take it day by day – try and relax, and keep myself busy.

Welp – the good news is that I did a workout today. I’ve been slacking a little bit due to sleep issues – so I made sure to go to bed early last night, and I had a killer workout today. However, I’m feeling pretty exhausted from my workout. Life, eh?

In other news – the Sens beat the Rangers last night, so they’ve got a really good chance of making the playoffs. Wow! Wouldn’t that be something – especially since I essentially gave up on this team awhile back. Shut my mouth – let me just skin my knees hopping back on the bandwagon. Tomorrow the Sens play the Flyers – and if they get a single point, they’re in the playoffs. Tomorrow’s gonna be a hell of a game!

What else – this book (100 years of solitude) I’m reading just keeps getting more and more strange. But there’s something about the way it’s written – whenever I start reading it, it’s as if I’m sucked into the hot, dream-like state that the characters seem to be enveloped in. It’s written in a magical realism style – which means I really have to pay attention, because it’s also set in about 1880 or so – and it’s tricky to tell what’s just an old-timey device, and what’s really magic. In any case, I’m loving this book so far.

Anything else? I’m on Season 3 of The Walking Dead. That show is catastrophically stupid – but I can’t turn away! It’s super intense too – since anyone could die at any moment.

Speaking of anyone dying at any moment – Game of Thrones is back on Sunday! Wooo! I’m super stoked for that. My buddy gave me a special GoT-inspired beer for Christmas, and I’ve been saving it especially for the season premiere. Oh man, I don’t want to oversell it, but it’s going to be better than 10 superbowls!

I might even take a picture of me with my beer and post in on Instagram! How else will people know I watched the season premiere.

Anyhoo, that’s a tight 15. No dates this weekend – so posts might be a bit slackadaisical. But if anything blogworthy happens, or if I need to talk through some more of my insecurities, you’ll be the first to hear about it.

Have an awesome weekend!

April 10, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about last night’s date and my monthly goals

Last night’s date was pretty successful. We met up, went to a comedy club for amateur hour, then went back to her place. All in all, a good night. Tired today, but worth it.

I think my anxiety is better with J3 than with J2, because I’m not trying to lump J3 into the girlfriend category right away. I’m just focusing on playing it cool and enjoying the time I have when we’re together. In the meantime, I’m more focused on my own goals than what she’s up to, which is the way it should be. Plus, I’ve internalized the idea that I’m the prize to be won – so if for some reason, she up and decides she doesn’t want to see me any more, then it truly is her loss. But of course, judging by the way things ended last night, I doubt she’ll be doing that anytime soon.

However, I am super-tired again today. I got home late – then I had to get up when my alarm went off (gotta take my pills at 8:00am every morning). Luckily, I had a nap – but man, I think that’s going to be it for weeknight dates. Getting up early is such a big hassle for me that it throws my whole day off. There’s no mercy on the horizon, as I have to get up super-early tomorrow as well to run another errand. Guh. I’ve got a thing on Saturday, but after that, I plan on taking the whole week to myself. I would really like a solid week of getting up, working out, working on my thesis, doing my piano, writing and reading and then going to bed early. Like I said, I’m more focused on my goals than anything else at the moment.

And how am I doing with my goals? Math goals are tough to accomplish when I’m this tired – I’m still pretty confident my thesis will be ready to go by the end of the month, but it’s been slackadaisacal yesterday and today. Workout goals are going alright – I’ve only got in two workouts this week – probably get in 4 by Saturday – but I’m dieting well, and I think that’s ultimately more important for weight loss. If I can get in a minimum of 4 workouts a week, I think that’ll be ok for now. As long as I stick to my diet, I’ll hit my bodyfat %-age target by the end of the month. (I weighed in at 14.9% bodyfat the other day, so it’s all about sticking to the diet, and doing an occasional workout.)

What else – I haven’t had any new dates – things seemed to have slowed down on Tinder. I suppose if I fail that goal, I will have to start approaching women on the street. It’s a much better way to get dates, as the onus is all on me – but it’s nerve wracking, as I haven’t dealt very well with rejection so far. I suppose that’s just one skill I will need to learn – but we’ll see how things go by the end of the month.

Saving money – I haven’t been paid yet, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I regularly save 10% of my paycheques, and I live pretty darn frugally to begin with, so I doubt that’ll be an issue. Finally, I’m 25% of the way towards achieving my fame goal – went to amateur night last night, and I’ll go again next week. I think by the end of this month, I’ll be encouraged to start trying out my own material on stage. Some of the comics last night were pretty terrible – so it assuages some of my fears about me getting up there. But we shall see…

Anyhoo, I plan on seeing J3 again – not only for the sex, but she’s also really fun to hang out with. Not to mention, going out with someone will help me deal with my anxiety, simply by confronting it head on. Plus, she’s a very pretty redhead…and I’m a sucker for redheads.

April 9, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A slackadaisical ramble

Oh man – haven’t been sleeping well the past couple days. It’s been a real drag. Both Tuesday and today I’ve had to get up early to run errands – and I ‘unno why, but I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep. As a result, I’ve been pretty slackadaisical lately – especially Tuesday. Luckily, I’ve been binge-watching “The Walking Dead”, so I’ve got that going for me.

Man – The Walking Dead (TMD) is such a catastrophically stupid show. Although I’m invested in some of the characters and their stories, it amazes me how stupid some people can be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Not to mention how pearly white everyone’s teeth are.

Anyhoo – got a date tonight with J3. We’re going for coffee and then headed to Yuk Yuk’s for amateur night. I’ve got a goal to go to amateur night at Yuk Yuk’s 4 times this month – so I can start on that goal tonight. Plus, I get to spend time with J3 – who’s pretty fun to be around. And we’ll probably make out a bit too… so that’s cool. Tomorrow’s post will almost certainly be about tonight’s date. I’m glad we’re going for coffee first – ’cause I am drag-assing today. Although, I did manage to do a workout, so that’s good. But I didn’t get the normal endorphin rush that I usually get after my workout – also, my right hip flexor is bothering me. Sigh, life is hard.

Anyhoo – not much else going on. Yesterday was a write-off, and today hasn’t been much better. However, one of the habits I’m trying to develop this month is 15 minutes of meditation. I did that this morning – but then immediately had a nap ’cause I was so tired. Guh – being tired is the worst. Just… low on energy, motivation, drive… all those things necessary to achieve my goals. I’m proud of myself for being semi-productive today, but this tiredness issue seems to come up all the time. Either I need to go to bed earlier, or have better self-discipline on days when I’m tired. I ‘unno… life is a work in progress.

What else? Man – this book I’m reading is killer. 100 Years of Solitude – yeah, I can see why he won the nobel prize for literature. It’s definitely magical realism – apparently this is a common style for latin-american writers.

Speaking of epic books – Game of Thrones comes back this Sunday! Man O Man am I pumped for that! I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite show – but it’s certainly a drama I enjoy. Generally, I don’t enjoy dramas because people spend too long yammering on about their feelings and not enough time advancing the plot. But GoT isn’t really like that – there’s too many characters for any one of them to yammer on too long about their feelings. Of course, there’s still a bunch of yammering – but it’s interrupted by skull crushing, incest and sword fights! Awesome!

Hrrmm… Anything else? Sort of writer’s blockied today – oh well, let’s cut off this train wreck a minute early. Plenty of dating goodness tomorrow, I bet.

April 8, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment