Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Rough and tumble ramble about wistfulness and goals

A bit of a rough morning feelings-wise. I was feeling wistful all morning towards J2. (See Glossary.) I think it’s helpful to note that I went out last night with some friends for some Simpsons trivia, and as I result, I stayed up late and ended up wasting my sexual energy. (That’s a clever euphemism if I’ve ever heard one.) I think when my sexual energy was “charged” (i.e., it’s been a couple days) then I was looking more towards the future. For sex, I think I should reorient my goal so that I can focus my sexual energy. Right now I don’t really have enough of a plan for my love goals, other than “date a lot of women.”

I also didn’t have a great sleep, which is a problem for me. I’ve had sleeping problems for awhile, I think from when I was doing shift work most likely – might be some stuff in there with the kidney – and I always feel pretty terrible when I’m tired. I have yet to do a workout today, and I missed one yesterday, so I should get down there and do something.

The thing about being wistful, is that it keeps me thinking about the past. As well, I’ve still got anxiety about my love goals, so thinking about the past can trigger negative emotions, or negative thought patterns. What is better is to keep my eye on my goals. Don’t forget the mistakes, but learn from them, and move past them. Keep looking towards the future.

And so that’s what I’ll do. Because thinking about the past tends to bum me out. But thinking about the future is more productive. It instills me with a sense of hope, which leads to optimism. So that’ll be my focus, and my strategy for dealing with negative thoughts. Whenever I start feeling wistful about J2, I can say to myself, “I accept the mistakes I’ve made and I will learn from them. But right now, I will think about my primary goals.”

What are my goals?

I divide my goals up into 5 pillars: Health, Love, Math, Fortune and Fame.

For each of these pillars, I create a primary goal for them. Then for each primary goal, I create a sequence of mini-goals, such that this sequence of mini-goals will lead me to my primary goal. Finally, I create a plan to achieve my mini-goal and start following that plan.

This seems like I good time to do this on my blog. I think I’m going to change my blog around, so that it’s all about goals and stuff. So that in the next few posts, I’ll be writing out my goals, then mini-goals, and creating a plan. I think that’s probably a good idea to do it here – probably with plenty of euphemisms for the Love goals, because it’s a bit embarrassing to talk about my sex life.

Anyhoo – ramble about stuff today. I should say that cannabis helps a lot with my anxiety, I always feel a lot more grounded and have less wistful feelings afterwards. I think I recall that cannabis is an anti-anxiolotic, but I also read that it raises your cortisol levels, so I ‘unno what’s going on. Alls I know is that it’s Friday. You ain’t go no job. And you ain’t go shit to do!

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March 20, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble brought on by lack of release

I think implementing a new exercise plan, maybe I should’ve allowed for a rest day today. I’ve done two strenuous workouts in a row, and I’ve got another one coming up today. I’m feeling sorta tired for some reason – maybe the wake and bake didn’t help. (But how often do I get to W&B?) Anyhoo, the thing about the gym is, once I get started, then I’ll start enjoying it. But the big thing is getting there and starting. My whole body is like, “Nooooo! No workout, senor!” (My body is Spanish, apparently.) But I’ll get on that treadmill for my warmup and it’ll be all systems go. Plus, best part about working out in the afternoon is that it basically signals the end of my day. I can relax once I’m done my workout. (Well, I do have class tonight, but they’re writing a test, so it’ll be a good hour of internet surfing for me!)

However, we shall see. I am feeling somewhat tired, so I might have a little nap once I break away to do my reading right after this. I do my reading on my bed, and I think it might happen that’ll just fall right asleep. I suppose I should either do my reading at my desk, or just go straight to working out and do my reading later. But that’s what I’ve done for the past two days – do my workout before my reading – and as such, I’ve been too tired (or lazy) to read at night. (But not tired enough to fall right asleep, go figure. Lousy brain.)

Anyhoo – what else? Not much in the dating world to report. I’ve got a date Saturday afternoon – feeling pretty good about internalizing the idea that dating is a process, and I don’t need to be concerned about achieving my goal as soon as possible. This morning, I did some good work on my thesis – and I wasn’t distracted by dating concerns or suffering from a lack of focus. It’s been awhile since I’ve done good work like that, so I’m happy with my progress with my issues so far.

In the meantime though, as part of my self-discipline regimen, I’ve eliminated watching porn and masturbating regularly. As a result, I’m so easily distracted when I’m at school by any pretty girl walking by. I know that when I go to the gym in a bit, it’ll feel like I’ve been shot out of a cannon. Pretty crazy how much energy and vitality I can store up by not spanking it for a few days.

But the problem is that now it’s like I’m 13 again – I’ve got sex on the brain. When I’m focused in on work, then it’s pretty easy to work well and stay focused because I’ve got that energy driving me. But in my leisure time, or when I take a break – all I’m thinking about is sex. I’m sending out messages to some girls who may want to hook-up this weekend – we’ll see what happens. I’ve had many enjoyable one-night-stands in the past, and many regretful ones. So the key to a good hook-up, I think – is being honest about what’s going to happen, not promising anything to the other person, and making sure you get enough recent pictures so that you’re not surprised at who you’re meeting.

The other thing about not watching porn – is that I’ve started noticing how sexualized everything is. Ads on tv, pop-up ads, print ads – everything that’s successful at selling something will usually feature a hot, half-naked girl. Not that I’m complaining. But when there’s no release I can turn to, it’s a bit frustrating.

What else? I guess the biggest challenge I’m having right now is with my diet. It’s so easy to overeat – especially after my monster workouts. I added 20 mins of cardio at the end in order to burn more calories – but it’s a little fruitless if I’m just going to eat the results of my work. I think my big problem is that I’ve found that bread and butter is delicious, and goes with every meal. If I could cut out that one thing, I’d probably be doing a lot better.

Alas, goals are a lifelong process. And I’ll always keep trying, everyday, to be a little bit better than the day before.

Welp, that’s a cool 15. Time to do some goddamn deadlifts!

March 18, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment