Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Diet ramble – recognizing my sticking points

Welp, I had a near perfect day yesterday. Did all my math, exercise, piano, writing, reading, etc…. I even worked straight up until 8:00pm like I wanted, without any distractions or nothing. However, the one setback I had was with my diet. GodDAMN is it hard to resist cravings. I’ll go fine until the evening, and then I’ll see a kitchen full of delicious goodies, and I’ll start with, “I’ll just have one rice krispie square.” And then BOOM – before you know it, I’m chowing down on all sorts of garbage and the diet day is ruined.

Welp, now that I’ve got that in mind, I will remain extra vigilant tonight. I’ll make sure that I eat something healthy when I get home from class, and then STOP EATING. It’s super-easy for me to overeat – I’m on prednisone which gives me an insatiable appetite. Thus, if I’m to develop self-discipline, I should start with my diet – and that means overcoming my biggest challenge and not snacking at night.

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sick of working out everyday and having nothing to show for it. I’m just gonna have to suck it up, drink some more water, and go to bed hungry. If I can develop that habit, then pretty soon my body will reflect my decisions. I just have to endure the cravings.

One thing I could do is use social media. This is where my instagram and youtube subscriptions will come in handy. I think that, whenever I’m feeling like snacking, or my brain gets to a point where it says, “Fuck it – we can start the diet tomorrow!” That’s when I’ll start surfing instagram or checking out my youtube fitness subscriptions. It’s when I’m feeling these cravings that I need motivation. And so seeing all those lean, fit bodies will (hopefully) motivate me to stay on my diet, avoid pigging out on junk food, and staying the course.

That’s a big thing when it comes to goals – is determination. Never giving up. I should take that message to heart. Say, if I have a bad diet morning and go heavy on the calories – usually I take that as a sign that there’s no point in dieting for the rest of the day, and I’ll pig out. Instead, if I eat a little too much – I should not quit, and try and diet my best for the rest of the day.

I think I was in here yesterday complaining about the same things. Well, this time I mean it! Now that I’m aware of my snacking struggles in the evening, it will be a bit easier to deal with them – I know that right now, that’s my biggest sticking point for my diet, and so every night I’ll try and avoid snacking.

Yeah, I would say diet, exercise and thesis are my top 3 priorities at the moment. If I can exercise everyday, keep to a healthy diet the majority of the time, and do my thesis in the evening, then everything will work out fine.

That’s the other thing about goals – is that I have to have patience. Just one night of not eating everything in sight will not yield abs. I have to eat at a caloric deficit over a long, consistent period of time in order to get down to my target body fat percentage. Maybe it’ll be easier now that it’s the summer – and when it’s super hot out, I don’t really have an appetite. But nevertheless, I will work on developing patience, and never giving up.

Anyhoo – what else? Today’s a teaching day, so no smoking weed until after class. Lemme tell ya, when I get home I’m gonna have an epic sesh – got a brand new episode of American Dad to watch. I’m gonna clean out my bong, get some ice-cold water loaded up, and then enjoy a cool bowl of cannabis and relax for the rest of the evening. Ah, wonderful.

But in the meantime, I’ve got a couple hours to kill before class. Tuesday’s are the worst – I have to be on campus at 5:30 for my office hours. However, it’s super rare that anyone shows up for office hours, so I mainly use it to surf the internet. I ‘spose I could be doing something more productive – but meh, whaddya gonna do. It’s stressful enough talking for 90 minutes in front of kids who definitely don’t want to be there. I think teaching would be a lot better if I were teaching math to mathematicians, as they’d be at least interested in the material. These engineers, they all look up at me with bored, dead eyes and world-weary sighs.

Oh well – a job’s a job. And less than 10 hours of work a week isn’t bad at all.


May 26, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A grey, dreary goals ramble

Bleah. I was sick yesterday, and still sorta am today. And it’s a grey, rainy day out, and I’m just feeling bleah.

However, the good news is that I’ll soon be better, and I can get back to working on my goals. Lately, I’ve found that I’ve been uninspired. I think this is because I’m so very close to achieving my PhD goal. I’ve read that it’s often very hard to complete a task 100%, and people usually stop at 90% or 95% done. I think that’s what I’m feeling. My thesis will take another month (or more) to write, and I’m not really super-stoked about that. So what I plan to do, today, is what I’ve been threatening to do for awhile now, and that’s write out my goals, complete with mini-goals along the way. Of course, I will do this off-site – and you’ll probably hear about it tomorrow. But for now, totally bleah.

I think I probably just need one more good sleep to get back to normal. I don’t feel nauseated or have a sore throat, just no energy, and my muscles are weirdly sore. I ‘unno. Maybe get to bed early tonight and see how that works for me.

But in the meantime we’ve got to get this blog post written.

I ‘unno what to write about. Not much going on. I was sick all yesterday – didn’t do anything on Saturday aside from play Factorio. (Aside: Oh man, Factorio is soooo addictive. It’s all about creating supply chains to automate stuff – sounds dull, and probably would be were I a normal person. But I’m a mathematician, so my weirdness quotient is allowed to be super high.) Anyhoo, once I create goals for myself, taking a day off seems like such a waste. It’s hard to enjoy the things I once did, mostly ’cause I feel guilty for not working on my goals. I think setting up monthly mini-goals will help – for if I achieve all my daily goals, then I don’t need to feel guilty about enjoying my time off.

The ideal day, according to (I think) Ben Franklin, is 8 hours of work, 8 hours of play and 8 hours of sleep. What I think I’ll go back to is getting all my goals accomplished first thing – and then once all the items on my “ToDo” list are checked off, I’ll begin the serious task of playing video games, etc… I very much enjoy the idea of a rigid, daily schedule. That’s why I think I’d do so well in the army – they tell you exactly what you have to do, you just have to show up.

Meh – it’s no fun being sick – or without energy. I haven’t worked out since Wednesday. I took Thursday off because I was tired from waking up in the morning – and then I went out at night with J3, and that followed through to Friday, but then I went out Friday with collegues and so that carried through to Saturday, and then yesterday I was sick. It’s funny how skipping one workout can lead to terrible results. I’m looking forward to feeling better and getting back at it.

Oh well – one of the things I definitely need to work on is patience towards my goals. I want to be in peak physical condition TODAY! I want a deep emotional connection with someone, TONIGHT!! I want to have my PHD, TOMORROW!! I will gradually learn the lesson of patience. One thing I will start trying is 15 minutes of meditation in the mornings. Currently, I do 15 minutes of visualization with respect to my goals. I think I will add 15 minutes of meditation afterwards. I keep reading about the benefits of meditation – including a sense of well being, a sense of calm and acceptance. I think I need that in my life. With my artificial anxiety, I can use all the help I can get in establishing a sense of calm.

I would also like to establish a better sense of purpose. I keep wasting time surfing the net and/or playing with my phone when I should be working. I need to get better at head-down math and keeping my mind focused on work. I think meditation can probably help with this as well.

Anyhoo – that’s a cool 15. No dates lined up for this week – but it’s Easter weekend, so that might be tough to do. I’m seeing J3 next week, so that’s cool. She’s fun to be around, pretty and a great kisser. So there’ll certainly be a report about that in the coming future.

March 30, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Relationship woes; developing patience.

The problem with working on my dating issues is that I want them to be done NOW. I want to be free of insecurity and self-doubt TODAY! It, of course, doesn’t work that way – I have to take the time, figure out where all these issues come from, and the work through them in a healthy way. It’s goddamn frustrating – because I want to get out there and meet women and all this stuff. But I know that if I don’t work through my issues, then they will remain. Although it seems like meeting someone will solve everything, it won’t. It will just paper over the issues until they inevitably crop up again. So, alas, I will continue to do the work.

One issue of self-doubt was whether or not I really needed to break up with my ex. I think now it was probably a rash decision, and a better result could have come from simply talking to her, and then doing some work on my own. That’s a regret I’ll have to live with for a long time, I suspect. I haven’t heard from her – and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It’s probably good – because if I heard from her, I’d probably cave and ask her to take me back.

One thing I keep reading about is how the people we attract are damaged in similar ways to us. This makes me think that I’m attracted to her because she was damaged in a way that I was damaged. Maybe, I ‘unno. I also think there’s probably a bit of one-itis going on there. It’s true that she was very sweet and thoughtful, kind, etc… But from what I’ve read, maybe I’m blind to all her faults because we had sex so early in the relationship. I hesitate to even call it a relationship – as we only went out on 6 dates. I think I’m almost certainly making more of it than it was.

Thus, in order to work through my issues, I must develop patience. Patience to live in the moment, and not keep fantasizing about some idealized future. One trick I’m using is the elastic band trick – I’ve got an elastic band wrapped around my wrist, and whenever I delve into future fantasies or worries, I snap the band against my wrist. The pain then tells me that I need to keep focused on the current moment I’m in.

That’s definitely a source of anxiety that I’ve never dealt with – imaginary conversations and worries about the future. All the self-help gurus tell us to focus on what we’re currently doing – to live in the moment – because what we worry about may never come true. So that’s what I’m focusing on now – trying to live in the moment and be productive instead of moping around.

But it’s pretty tough. For whatever reason, I’m still fixated on this girl I briefly dated. Plus, the self-help program I’m working through has me on a dating moratorium, so there’s no chance that I’ll be dating anyone else anytime soon. I think that’s probably also why I’m focusing on this girl so much. (Also, I still really like her, so there’s that.)

Given the prevelance of Tinder, online dating – the fact that I work on a University campus – means that I know for a fact, that I can easily meet and date a pretty girl. My rational mind KNOWS that I will not be alone forever, and I’ll meet a girl with a sweet personality who’s right for me. But my emotional mind seems to be running away with itself with self-doubt and self-pity. (And an insecure man is not an attractive one.) So I’m not even in the right headspace to date anyway. But since I’ve spent so long ignoring my feelings, I think my emotional brain is enjoying all the drama – no matter that it makes me feel sad. My emotional brain just wants to feel ANYTHING, since it’s been dormant for so long.

In the meantime, I will really have to focus on enjoying the moment. It’s funny, before I started dating, I was very happy to be by myself. I would relish a Saturday home alone where I could play a videogame and watch cartoons or a conspiracy documentary. But after dating this girl, now I’m all bummed because that’s likely exactly what I’m going to be doing tonight. Funny thing is – even if I hadn’t have broken up with this girl, it probably would’ve been what I would’ve been doing tonight anyway (since she’s out of town.)

It’s annoying when the only thing that will make me better is time – and there’s no way to hurry that along.

February 28, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment