Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Meandering ramble: J3 or not J3?

I’m not sure whether or not I should keep dating J3. She’s pretty insistent about this BDSM stuff, and that’s not really a commitment I can make right now. I’d rather just hang out, have some laughs, and have sex. The idea that sex would be this time-consuming, psycho-sexual thing… well, I dunno about that.

But maybe I just haven’t read enough about it. Maybe I should read a bit more – because there are aspects of BDSM I like, namely the domination. I like being in control, I like being in a position of power, and I definitely like the idea of a woman catering to my every desire.

Maybe this is me over-investing my feelings, and looking too far in the future. I mean, we’re just casually dating – we’re not exclusive or anything like that. I’m certainly free to date other women – although due to my temperament, I don’t have much of an interest.

Also, I think the fact that I’m willing to break up with J3 gives me a certain sense of power. If we keep dating, and she breaks up with me, then I’m no worse for wear, since I was going to do that anyway. But if I keep dating her, I can practice my dating skills, and I get to have sex.

I think the only problem them is that I’m continuing to see J3 when I know in the back of my mind there’s probably no long term future there. That’s ok as long as I’m completely honest with J3. Or is it?

I guess that’s the thing, it’s that I should define my values, so I know whether I’m going against them or not.

But I think as long as I’m honest with J3, then that’s ok. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or anything like that – and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become exclusive with her either – I’ll just be up front about what I want, and where I am in life.

The thing that makes me pause about breaking up with her, is that she’s read about goals. She’s either read (or re-read) Maxwell Maltz’s psycho-cybernetics – which is all about visualization, and training your brain to react a certain way. And as I like to think, anything is possible when you’ve got goals.

I ‘unno. I do have some sexual fantasies I want to cross off the bucket list, and there’s a good chance I can do that with J3. I think I’ll just keep on dating her, as long as it doesn’t become a source of stress or anxiety. If not, then we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward – stay in the present, keep an open mind, be as honest as possible (while still maintaining a sexy mystique) and enjoy the time I have with her.

I’ll say this – her face is quite captivating, and she smiles a lot. I’ll just keep things casual for now, not over-invest my feelings, and just try to get the most out of every day.

Because this thesis is a killer. But having sex every weekend with a pretty redhead isn’t a bad way to blow off steam.


April 29, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dating ramble: insecurity and sex

Ah – the wordpress layout is back to normal. This is pleasing to me, and possibly you – as I won’t be whining about it anymore.

Anyhoo, I ‘unno what it is about sex – but as soon as I have it, I start to get all needy. At least, that’s sort of the way I’m feeling today. I was talking with J3 a bit last night – and she’s into BDSM, so we’re talking about what turns us on and what kinks we have and stuff… And now I’m feeling a bit needy. Or maybe insecure, I’m not too sure. Maybe it’s the idea that I don’t want to lose this girl because of the sex? I ‘unno… It seems weird how I can go from being secure about this girl and where I stand with her, to insecure practically overnight. I guess I still have to look inward for validation – and although I’m doing better, I’m still not over my issues.

One thing I am doing better at is my anxiety. I’m not tremendously anxious about J3 – at least, not to the degree I was with J2. I think this is because I’m not rushing anything and I haven’t slotted her into a role that she hasn’t earned yet. So, I am making progress…

I think the other thing is that I haven’t had any recent matches on Tinder. So I’ve got no backup plan. I think that’s the part of me that wants to tackle all my problems immediately – and take action on whatever’s bothering me. I still have a ways to go with developing patience.

Anyhoo – I dunno why I immediately jump to destructive thoughts. My insecurities seem to be rearing their ugly head – and although nothing’s changed between J3 and I, I still feel insecure. Welp – one thing I’ve learned is that I’ll keep all that to myself. I will look internally to generate security with myself – it’s weird to me how sex can change my mindset. Maybe it’s also that it’s a gloomy day, so maybe I’m bummed because of that. Who knows? It’s the damndest thing…

In any case, I will keep pursuing my goals – keep working through my issues. Someday soon, I’ll be confident in myself and I won’t be affected by sex all that much. But for now, just gotta take it day by day – try and relax, and keep myself busy.

Welp – the good news is that I did a workout today. I’ve been slacking a little bit due to sleep issues – so I made sure to go to bed early last night, and I had a killer workout today. However, I’m feeling pretty exhausted from my workout. Life, eh?

In other news – the Sens beat the Rangers last night, so they’ve got a really good chance of making the playoffs. Wow! Wouldn’t that be something – especially since I essentially gave up on this team awhile back. Shut my mouth – let me just skin my knees hopping back on the bandwagon. Tomorrow the Sens play the Flyers – and if they get a single point, they’re in the playoffs. Tomorrow’s gonna be a hell of a game!

What else – this book (100 years of solitude) I’m reading just keeps getting more and more strange. But there’s something about the way it’s written – whenever I start reading it, it’s as if I’m sucked into the hot, dream-like state that the characters seem to be enveloped in. It’s written in a magical realism style – which means I really have to pay attention, because it’s also set in about 1880 or so – and it’s tricky to tell what’s just an old-timey device, and what’s really magic. In any case, I’m loving this book so far.

Anything else? I’m on Season 3 of The Walking Dead. That show is catastrophically stupid – but I can’t turn away! It’s super intense too – since anyone could die at any moment.

Speaking of anyone dying at any moment – Game of Thrones is back on Sunday! Wooo! I’m super stoked for that. My buddy gave me a special GoT-inspired beer for Christmas, and I’ve been saving it especially for the season premiere. Oh man, I don’t want to oversell it, but it’s going to be better than 10 superbowls!

I might even take a picture of me with my beer and post in on Instagram! How else will people know I watched the season premiere.

Anyhoo, that’s a tight 15. No dates this weekend – so posts might be a bit slackadaisical. But if anything blogworthy happens, or if I need to talk through some more of my insecurities, you’ll be the first to hear about it.

Have an awesome weekend!

April 10, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about last night’s date and my monthly goals

Last night’s date was pretty successful. We met up, went to a comedy club for amateur hour, then went back to her place. All in all, a good night. Tired today, but worth it.

I think my anxiety is better with J3 than with J2, because I’m not trying to lump J3 into the girlfriend category right away. I’m just focusing on playing it cool and enjoying the time I have when we’re together. In the meantime, I’m more focused on my own goals than what she’s up to, which is the way it should be. Plus, I’ve internalized the idea that I’m the prize to be won – so if for some reason, she up and decides she doesn’t want to see me any more, then it truly is her loss. But of course, judging by the way things ended last night, I doubt she’ll be doing that anytime soon.

However, I am super-tired again today. I got home late – then I had to get up when my alarm went off (gotta take my pills at 8:00am every morning). Luckily, I had a nap – but man, I think that’s going to be it for weeknight dates. Getting up early is such a big hassle for me that it throws my whole day off. There’s no mercy on the horizon, as I have to get up super-early tomorrow as well to run another errand. Guh. I’ve got a thing on Saturday, but after that, I plan on taking the whole week to myself. I would really like a solid week of getting up, working out, working on my thesis, doing my piano, writing and reading and then going to bed early. Like I said, I’m more focused on my goals than anything else at the moment.

And how am I doing with my goals? Math goals are tough to accomplish when I’m this tired – I’m still pretty confident my thesis will be ready to go by the end of the month, but it’s been slackadaisacal yesterday and today. Workout goals are going alright – I’ve only got in two workouts this week – probably get in 4 by Saturday – but I’m dieting well, and I think that’s ultimately more important for weight loss. If I can get in a minimum of 4 workouts a week, I think that’ll be ok for now. As long as I stick to my diet, I’ll hit my bodyfat %-age target by the end of the month. (I weighed in at 14.9% bodyfat the other day, so it’s all about sticking to the diet, and doing an occasional workout.)

What else – I haven’t had any new dates – things seemed to have slowed down on Tinder. I suppose if I fail that goal, I will have to start approaching women on the street. It’s a much better way to get dates, as the onus is all on me – but it’s nerve wracking, as I haven’t dealt very well with rejection so far. I suppose that’s just one skill I will need to learn – but we’ll see how things go by the end of the month.

Saving money – I haven’t been paid yet, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I regularly save 10% of my paycheques, and I live pretty darn frugally to begin with, so I doubt that’ll be an issue. Finally, I’m 25% of the way towards achieving my fame goal – went to amateur night last night, and I’ll go again next week. I think by the end of this month, I’ll be encouraged to start trying out my own material on stage. Some of the comics last night were pretty terrible – so it assuages some of my fears about me getting up there. But we shall see…

Anyhoo, I plan on seeing J3 again – not only for the sex, but she’s also really fun to hang out with. Not to mention, going out with someone will help me deal with my anxiety, simply by confronting it head on. Plus, she’s a very pretty redhead…and I’m a sucker for redheads.

April 9, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble on the thesis moratorium

Man, dating is stressing me out. I mean, I’m already stressed about my thesis, but with this dating on top of it, it’s even more stressful. I think I will probably get off Tinder, and just focus on my thesis until it’s done. I ‘unno – I’d like to meet someone, but I’m not really where I’m at in terms of self-motivation, and I’m still looking to girls for validation. I think I will probably do nothing but my thesis until it’s done.

Because, well, my thesis is going to take a shit-load of time. And if I’m constantly distracted by girls, and relationships and all that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it done.

Just this morning, I was texting with a girl – J3 – and I sent a text that was way too intense. Then I spent some time wondering about how she’d take it, and worrying about what to say.

I mean, this is no way to do things. I should be focusing on work when it’s time for work – not what some girl, who I don’t even see a future with, thinks about my text. I think, due to my high cortisol, any slightly stressful event gets magnified. And right now, because I’m aware of this need, I get stressed out over it on a daily basis. Because I’m thinking about this need I have, and how best to fill it.

If we add on top of that, I can’t really even use Tinder for hooking up, since I live with my family. So logistics for sex are dependent on the other girl. What a bummer.

So I think what I’ll do is focus on myself and my career, until I get to a point where I’ve moved out. Once I’m back on my own, in my own place, earning some real money, then I’ll worry about getting my Love goals handled.

Because, in the meantime, I’ll be working on myself. Number one, I’ll be positioning myself for a life-long career in Math. At the moment this is going to be more important than meeting women. If I’m to be an attractive man, then certainly I should be able to afford to take girls out on dates, etc… A man without a job or a means of income is an unattractive man. No one likes a bum.

Number two, I’ll be working on my health. Right now, because of the kidney, I’m carrying a lot of extra weight around my belly. Steroid guy, it’s known as. I need to be somewhat fanatical about my diet if I’m to eliminate this fat – as the pills I take everyday naturally increase belly fat. So, by the time I’m done my thesis, as long as I stick to my diet and keep working out everyday, I’ll look a million times better. This will increase my self-confidence for sure.

One thing is that it will eliminate the stress of dating. I seem to be pretty sensitive at the moment – pretty worried about other people. What I need to focus on is myself. I need to focus on being self-motivated, being happy by working on my goals.

I think once I’ve reached a better place, then I’ll go back to dating. I think I’ll basically go on a “thesis moratorium”, until I’m done. Those are now my new Love goals. Get my thesis done, get my own place, get a salaried position in academia (post-doc or prof). Once that’s been handled, a major source of stress will be eliminated, and I can then concern myself with dating.

That sort of introduces a new source of stress though: sexual frustration. Maybe this is how I’ll learn to channel my sexual energy. We’ll see…

March 25, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love goals ramble – areas I will need to work on

Woo. The Sens are in a playoff position. Yabba dabba doo.

Anyhoo, I’ve been feeling anxiety lately, and still sorta bummed that I broke up with J2. I think this is because I ignored my need for connection for so long, that I miss that connection – and when I realized J2 and I *could* have a connection, I let my need get the better of me. I’m still gradually accepting that it’s over between me and J2 – but some days are filled with longing.

And it’s a bummer. But the good news is that I know I can change it. I can create a plan to attain my love goals, and as long as I’m following the plan, I can be happy with it’s progress.

Because that’s been a bit of a problem lately, it’s that I haven’t been feeling happy. Before I started dating, I was plenty happy. Or so I thought? This need for connection had lain dormant for some time, so maybe I was fooling myself that I was happy.

What is happiness then? Or where does it come from? I think that a deep happiness comes from working on meaningful goals. So perhaps I should lay out some love goals for myself.

I’ve listed my ultimate goal: I want a deep, mental and physical connection with a young, beautiful, virgin girl who’s dedicated to motherhood and starting a family. I mean, this is a tall order. And I think my mindset now is what can I do to improve myself, to be the type of man that my dream girl is attracted to.

(Rambly today. Took some cannabis earlier.)

Anyhoo, what kind of man would my dream girl be with? Well, he’d have to be handsome, so that she’s physically attracted to him – smart and funny, so that she’d enjoy talking with him – socially savvy, so that she could show him off to all her friends and be seen with him in public – strong, so she feels protected – and good in bed, because if you’ve saved your virginity for me, I’d better be worth it.

So that’s what I’m going to focus on, those areas. Luckily, working on goals in other ares will improve these skills. Physically attractive and strong will follow from my health goals, social savvy I can work into my fame goals, and I’m already pretty goddamn smart and funny. The last one is to be good in bed, so I guess my primary goal for love at the moment, is to continue dating and find girls to have relations with.

That may sound pretty cold, but that’s the reality of dating today.

March 24, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A rambly ramble about goals and sexual energy

Well, first weekend in awhile without any dates. I had an unsatisfying hook-up, so the less said about that the better. That’s more on me – I need to learn to channel my sexual energy into fruitful pursuits, rather than wasting it.

I was re-reading the chapter on transmuting sexual energy in Napoleon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich” today, and Hill basically reaffirmed the idea that the sex desire is man’s most potent source of energy. And this source of energy can be used to achieve greatness, as long as one learns to channel this energy in a positive way. Too often, one channels this energy into a physical release – which, when Love is not involved, basically leads to a waste of energy. That’s what I’m finding with these hook-ups – they’re emotionally unsatisfying (and often enough physically unsatisfying too.)  I think, as well, I need to develop patience when it comes to sexual matters.

But there is this need for an emotional connection that I’ve ignored for so long, and so as I’m looking to fill it, and not having enough patience, I’m doing sort of needy things in order to fulfill my needs. Again, I must develop patience.

This upcoming week, I’ll look to focus my energies on exercise, diet and math. I’ve still got a niggling little problem to figure out for my thesis. And I’m real close to doing so. My hope is that, in practicing to transmute my sexual energy, I’ll solve this problem and then I can get to work on finishing my thesis. Looking ahead, if I can solve this problem by the end of (s)March, then I’ll have my thesis done in rough by May 1st no problem. That’s great news, as it’s one of my goals that I want to achieve.

Oh right, last few posts have been about goals, mini-goals, etc… Well, since it takes quite a lot of time to develop mini-goals and planning and such, I think I’ll do that on my own and then just post the results here on my blog. Well, maybe not – we’ll see. This blog is a dedicated time during the day when I’ll write about whatever’s on my mind – which is usually goal related. So maybe I’ll develop my mini-goals and plans here. In fact, that’s probably what I’ll do. Each day this week, I’ll write down my mini-goals and plans for each pillar. Boom. There ya go.

Because today I’m sorta tired and lazy. I did a great workout yesterday, and then sex at night, that’d tire anyone out. Luckily it’s Sunday, a day to take it easy. No workout today, that’s for sure.

But I don’t like days off. If I’m wasting time, then I’m not working on my goals, and hence, I can’t really enjoy the moment. Maybe instead of taking the rest of the day off, I’ll do a bit of marking. That’s something I need to do, and I can watch TV and/or a movie while I do it, so I won’t mind how long and tedious it is. Boom. That’s what I’ll do.

But man, early to bed tonight. I was reading online about the difference sleep makes to an elite athlete. And it turns out that athletes should get between 8-10 hours of sleep a night. Man – sleep is hella important, and I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. I tend to wake up about an hour before my alarm, and then I’ll hit snooze a couple times before getting up. Bleah. Tonight, my plan is to turn off my computer at 8:00, get cleaned up, and get into bed to read. I’ve also not been keeping up with my books recently, so tonight’s a good night to turn that around.

I guess the other thing that’s still bugging me, is that every now and again, throughout the day, I’ll remember something about J2, and it’ll trigger a tinge of sadness. But I’ve got to remember, if I can’t be happy on my own, and seek validation through myself, then it doesn’t matter if I’ve got a girlfriend or I don’t. I can’t be relying on anyone else for happiness and validation.

There’s also the idea that our brains go over past relationships in order to ‘fix’ them, even though there’s nothing to be done. Whenever that happens, I’ve got to focus on what kind of man I want to be – for if I’m going to meet my dream girl, then I’d damn well make sure that I’m her dream guy. The only way to do that is focus on what I can control – me and my actions – and spend all day engaged in high value activities, and spend my time constructively, working towards my goals.

Welp – that’s a rambly 15! Hope you had a great weekend!

March 22, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rough and tumble ramble about wistfulness and goals

A bit of a rough morning feelings-wise. I was feeling wistful all morning towards J2. (See Glossary.) I think it’s helpful to note that I went out last night with some friends for some Simpsons trivia, and as I result, I stayed up late and ended up wasting my sexual energy. (That’s a clever euphemism if I’ve ever heard one.) I think when my sexual energy was “charged” (i.e., it’s been a couple days) then I was looking more towards the future. For sex, I think I should reorient my goal so that I can focus my sexual energy. Right now I don’t really have enough of a plan for my love goals, other than “date a lot of women.”

I also didn’t have a great sleep, which is a problem for me. I’ve had sleeping problems for awhile, I think from when I was doing shift work most likely – might be some stuff in there with the kidney – and I always feel pretty terrible when I’m tired. I have yet to do a workout today, and I missed one yesterday, so I should get down there and do something.

The thing about being wistful, is that it keeps me thinking about the past. As well, I’ve still got anxiety about my love goals, so thinking about the past can trigger negative emotions, or negative thought patterns. What is better is to keep my eye on my goals. Don’t forget the mistakes, but learn from them, and move past them. Keep looking towards the future.

And so that’s what I’ll do. Because thinking about the past tends to bum me out. But thinking about the future is more productive. It instills me with a sense of hope, which leads to optimism. So that’ll be my focus, and my strategy for dealing with negative thoughts. Whenever I start feeling wistful about J2, I can say to myself, “I accept the mistakes I’ve made and I will learn from them. But right now, I will think about my primary goals.”

What are my goals?

I divide my goals up into 5 pillars: Health, Love, Math, Fortune and Fame.

For each of these pillars, I create a primary goal for them. Then for each primary goal, I create a sequence of mini-goals, such that this sequence of mini-goals will lead me to my primary goal. Finally, I create a plan to achieve my mini-goal and start following that plan.

This seems like I good time to do this on my blog. I think I’m going to change my blog around, so that it’s all about goals and stuff. So that in the next few posts, I’ll be writing out my goals, then mini-goals, and creating a plan. I think that’s probably a good idea to do it here – probably with plenty of euphemisms for the Love goals, because it’s a bit embarrassing to talk about my sex life.

Anyhoo – ramble about stuff today. I should say that cannabis helps a lot with my anxiety, I always feel a lot more grounded and have less wistful feelings afterwards. I think I recall that cannabis is an anti-anxiolotic, but I also read that it raises your cortisol levels, so I ‘unno what’s going on. Alls I know is that it’s Friday. You ain’t go no job. And you ain’t go shit to do!

March 20, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble on sexual energy

In chapter 10 (I think) of Napoleon Hill’s classic “Think and Grow Rich”, he talks about harnessing your sexual energy. From what I recall, he talks about how men can use their innate, sexual energy and transmute this energy into something positive when focused on your goals. I totally believe that – but my problem is that I’m not using my sexual energy in a productive way.

Well, in some ways I am – but in some ways I definitely am not.

For example, yesterday my blog post was all about how I’m a bit more energetic due to a lack of release. Consequently, yesterday in the gym, I did my full workout and had a really good workout! So boom – sexual energy harnessed and used to further my goals. (I was especially proud of myself ’cause my legs were sore and I was tired.)

Conversely, when I was going to sleep last night, I got a text from this MILF I’m trying to hook-up with. Despite knowing I should’ve gone to bed, due to my sexual energy, I spent 45 minutes having phone sex with her. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m dog-tired today. I didn’t get a workout done, and I’m only now completing my writing (about 3 hours behind schedule.)

When it comes to my goals, I just need to be better focused when it comes to expending my sexual energy. For starters, I shouldn’t be wasting my time with phone sex (which is basically just masturbating), and I definitely shouldn’t be doing anything that will keep me from my goals.

I can understand the power behind sexual energy. After all, everyone on Earth is here due to sex. The sexual urge is a deep, biological drive. Some would argue it’s the most powerful drive on Earth. Certainly, after a few days of not spanking it, I feel a lot more energized – but sort of in a ragged way. Like I’ve drank too much coffee. There are times when my horniness can feel overpowering, and instead of focusing on my goals and diverting that energy, I’ll try and get laid instead. And sometimes, after agreeing to a hook-up with a girl below my standards, and after we have sex, I’ll feel pretty bad. Either because that energy is gone, or I regret sleeping with someone below my standards, who knows.

What I do know, is that if I’m going to become a self-confident, self-validated man. I’d better learn how to harness this energy. Of course, I’m just beginning on my journey of self-improvement (well, not beginning – but I’m incorporating dating issues into my journey, and dating issues are where I’m weakest) – so there’s going to be plenty more regrets and nights spend wasting my energy. But over time, I expect that I’ll be able to use this sexual energy in order to achieve more with respect to my goals.

The other thing that this sexual energy does – and maybe it’s just a placebo – but it makes me much more attractive to women. Maybe it’s just me – but when I’ve built up my sexual energy, I notice a lot more women staring at me. Maybe it’s just because I’m super-horny that I’m noticing these things – and they’ve always been there, but I haven’t noticed due to low sexual energy. Who knows? Point is – when I go on my date on Saturday, I’ll make sure I’ll have my mojo working for me.

Anyhoo, that’s a cool 15. Tonight is gonna be an awesome night – there’s a Simpsons trivia event happening downtown, and I am, without a doubt, the world’s greatest Simpsons trivia guy. If I take anything less than first place I’ll be disappointed.

March 19, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

More relationship drama: dealing with issues, taking steps to get better.

Well, I’ve found an online resource that should help me with my anxiety, trust and jealousy issues in relationships. So I’ll go through that program and see how it helps.

I sorta think that I have to move passed the slut who cheated on me, and not ascribe her characteristics to every girl I date. I think this will probably be hard, it will take some soul-searching, but I’ll come out of it a better man.

The letter I wrote on Tuesday is likely sitting in my ex’s mailbox as I write this. (Yeah, not using names makes things harder to figure out – so this is the most recent ex. The one I broke up with whom I still really, really like. Not the slut-bag from hell.) I keep fantasizing about how she’ll react. Ideally, she’ll call me and be all like, “Let’s get back together! I’ll work with you on whatever issues you have!” But somehow, I doubt this will happen. Life isn’t a tv show – relationships are messy, and once trust is broken, it’s not easily regained.

I mean, a large part of me still really, REALLY wants to get back together with her. But I know that, while I’ll be happy to see her again, I won’t have solved my issues. And if we were to go back to dating, these issues would almost instantly crop up again. Sadly, I think it’s over for good – and I’ll always have to look back on her and smile, as she was the one that made me deal headlong with my issues.

From this self-help book I read (No More Mr Nice Guy), I’ve been advised to let go of emotional attachments to romantic situations. I think I probably have plenty of emotional attachments, that when they go poorly, I react poorly. I know I certainly don’t approach many women for fear of a negative emotional reaction (i.e., getting rejected.) All these things I will have to deal with.

I think, basically, dealing with my issues means facing my fears. Since the slut-bag, I’m afraid that every woman I meet will act the way she did. In some way, when I was dating my latest ex (let’s just call her the paragon of cuteness), I was afraid of my feelings. She and I connected almost immediately, and I think I was scared of being hurt again. That’s probably certainly part of what happened.

Welp, the program I’m following has advised me to take a break from women until I’ve gotten to a certain step in the program. Not only a break from women, but a break from sex as well. As a result, I’ve un-installed Tinder from my phone, and un-followed all the hotties I was following on Instagram. Because another key component to this program is to not masturbate until you’ve reached a certain point in the program. Now, not to get into too many sticky details – but I’m a dude with a high sex drive. I’m used to visiting the spank bank on a regular occasion. But because I’m so goddamn angry at having to end my relationship with this great girl due to my issues, I’ll try any thing, no matter how hard it may be. (Or how hard I may get… heh heh heh.)

The other thing, is that whenever I’m faced with a problem, I want to solve it right away. I’m not looking forward to the fact that this program will take a couple months, maybe even longer. I’m pretty stubborn, so I think that I might be determined to stay a certain way, and necessary change will take longer than expected. I know that, in the end, I will move passed my issues, become a healthy, confident and secure man, and meet a wonderful girl.

I suppose I will also have to revisit my Love goals. Originally, my Love goals were all about living a life of sexual abundance. But now I’m questioning basically all my assumptions about love and sex. So I don’t even know what I really want anymore. It’s something I will have to sit down and think long and hard about. (Speaking of long and hard…. Oh Lord!)

Man – this used to be a fun blog about TV, goals and being tired? What the fuck happened? I go out with one chick and all of a sudden my life is in turmoil. Ridiculous.

February 26, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about relationships

Another freezing cold Monday here in the nation’s capital.

Well, the Oscars were last night and I managed not to watch a single moment! Huzzah! I hear Birdman won best picture. Good for it.

What else? Still feeling pretty bummed about my actions. As I reintroduce myself back into the dating world, I realize I’ll make mistakes. It’s unfortunate that my mistakes will end up hurting other people. I can only hope that she’s not too hurt and she’s easily able to get on with her life. I had a notion of writing her a card – but I figure she doesn’t need any more reminders of my assholery. If she contacts me, I’ll offer her a face-to-face meeting, but I suspect the damage is done and that’s too little, too late.

On the other hand, I do have a date tonight and one for Saturday. Maybe I didn’t need to break up with her – but the anxiety I was having was so unbelievably draining, that I had to do something. Unfortunate, but I’ll stand by my decision and get on with it. This time, I’m coming into the date with a frame of, “Are you good enough for me?” I will resist immediately putting this girl into a role that she’s not necessarily qualified for.

I think my problem is that I suffer from “black or white” thinking. Admittedly, this makes me a hell of a mathematician, but it’s pretty disastrous for modern relationships. I’m either 100% committed to a girl, or not seeing her at all. The idea of casual dating is confusing to me – upsetting in a way. Either you like someone or you don’t, and you see what you have with that person. I don’t like the idea of keeping your options open – especially in a sexual relationship. To my way of thinking, sex is the most intimate bond between a man and a woman – if we’re dating and having sex, then I think that implies a certain level of exclusivity already. Sadly, most women don’t think like this.

Anyhoo, I will take the lessons I’ve learned and keep on moving forward. (Most important lesson; don’t break up with anyone by text.) Moreover, I will try and be up front with my feelings and what I expect. That way, if the girl thinks differently, I can just not see her anymore. What happened with this first girl, was I kept my feelings and expectations to myself. Naturally, it ended in disaster.

My ultimate goal is to meet an 18 year old virgin who is dedicated to motherhood and starting a family. Maybe 18 years old is a bit ambitious, but I doubt I’d marry a non-virgin. There’s an article on the internet which details the likelihood of a married couple divorcing based on the number of previous partners the woman had. It shows that the more partners a woman had, the more likely that marriage is to end in divorce. The safest marriages are when the woman had no previous partners.

That’s my ultimate goal. For now, I will settle for improving my game, and getting better at dating. I would prefer an exclusive relationship to anything casual, but I will have to wait until I meet a worthy woman. My attitude now is that I will have to be on my toes, and relentlessly root out any problems that may occur later. I think I will have to go on many more dates before I find a girl worthy of getting into a relationship with.

Welp, this girl tonight seems pretty down to earth. And she’s very pretty too, so fingers crossed!

February 23, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment