Milk and Cigarettes

Rambles about stuff I like.

Meandering ramble: J3 or not J3?

I’m not sure whether or not I should keep dating J3. She’s pretty insistent about this BDSM stuff, and that’s not really a commitment I can make right now. I’d rather just hang out, have some laughs, and have sex. The idea that sex would be this time-consuming, psycho-sexual thing… well, I dunno about that.

But maybe I just haven’t read enough about it. Maybe I should read a bit more – because there are aspects of BDSM I like, namely the domination. I like being in control, I like being in a position of power, and I definitely like the idea of a woman catering to my every desire.

Maybe this is me over-investing my feelings, and looking too far in the future. I mean, we’re just casually dating – we’re not exclusive or anything like that. I’m certainly free to date other women – although due to my temperament, I don’t have much of an interest.

Also, I think the fact that I’m willing to break up with J3 gives me a certain sense of power. If we keep dating, and she breaks up with me, then I’m no worse for wear, since I was going to do that anyway. But if I keep dating her, I can practice my dating skills, and I get to have sex.

I think the only problem them is that I’m continuing to see J3 when I know in the back of my mind there’s probably no long term future there. That’s ok as long as I’m completely honest with J3. Or is it?

I guess that’s the thing, it’s that I should define my values, so I know whether I’m going against them or not.

But I think as long as I’m honest with J3, then that’s ok. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or anything like that – and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become exclusive with her either – I’ll just be up front about what I want, and where I am in life.

The thing that makes me pause about breaking up with her, is that she’s read about goals. She’s either read (or re-read) Maxwell Maltz’s psycho-cybernetics – which is all about visualization, and training your brain to react a certain way. And as I like to think, anything is possible when you’ve got goals.

I ‘unno. I do have some sexual fantasies I want to cross off the bucket list, and there’s a good chance I can do that with J3. I think I’ll just keep on dating her, as long as it doesn’t become a source of stress or anxiety. If not, then we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward – stay in the present, keep an open mind, be as honest as possible (while still maintaining a sexy mystique) and enjoy the time I have with her.

I’ll say this – her face is quite captivating, and she smiles a lot. I’ll just keep things casual for now, not over-invest my feelings, and just try to get the most out of every day.

Because this thesis is a killer. But having sex every weekend with a pretty redhead isn’t a bad way to blow off steam.


April 29, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about math and relaxing


I like this quote, because it helps me focus on work.

Yesterday afternoon, I loafed around, surfing the internet and looking at pictures on imgur. That’s such a waste of my valuable time. If I want to be achieving my goals, then I should be spending more time on activities that will help me reach my goals.

I’ve written about this before, about how if I’ve done all my goals for the day, then I should be able to relax. But then yesterday, I sorta didn’t feel like doing a workout and pissed away the afternoon, before I finally got my ass in gear and did a workout.

Today I’ve been productive so far – did my 4 pages of thesis, practiced piano. My thesis is coming along – there’s a few conditions I need to work out, but then once I do, it looks like everything will be in line for me to finish by the end of April. So I’m happy with that.

What else? It’s Easter weekend – so not much is happening. I’ve got no dates, and aside from family dinner tomorrow, no real plans. I suppose that’s ok – I can spend time by myself.

It used to be that I’d enjoy spending a weekend not doing anything – and I’d spend that time playing video games. But now, with a thesis hanging over my head, and having needs I’d like to fulfill, I can’t really enjoy wasting time like that any more. Maybe in the evenings, after 8:00 – when it’s nighttime and I’ve had a full day of working on my goals.

I guess the other thing I’m not completely happy with is relying on Tinder for dates. I feel like I should be out there practicing approaching and talking to women. But, between living with my family and living in the middle of nowhere, I think that my time is best spent working towards moving back out on my own, and getting my career established. Thus, I feel guilty when I’m not working on my thesis.

Maybe I should look for more favorable working conditions. For example – today, I’ve done my 4 new pages of writing, and the math I did was pretty solid. But then later, after I’ve done my workout, etc… I think I should go back to working on my thesis – but as it’s such a chore, I can do some “lazy math”, and have a tv show or radio show playing while I do my work. In this fashion, I’ll still be working – but I’ll be able to take in some additional entertainment.

Anyhoo, we’ll see. I’ve been researching recently things about introverts vs. extroverts, and I think the reason I’m often stressed with feelings of self-doubt, and frustration towards not achieving my goals immediately comes from being an introvert. There’s a great write-up here that almost describes me to a T. I think I should probably keep this in mind – and maybe not be so hard on myself.

I ‘unno. It’s tough. Life is tough. I’d love to just be able to relax and enjoy myself – I’m sure once I get this thesis over with, things will be a lot less stressful in my life.

April 3, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about making out and sleep and stuff

My date last night went well. Picked up J3, went to her place, watched a movie, made out for a bit, went home. I like J3, she’s very pretty and fun to be around – it’s a bit weird ’cause she’s taller than me, but I’m not going to make the mistake of over-investing my feelings this early. I’ll continue to see her and see what happens. And in the meantime, I’ll keep up with Tinder and dating and see what happens.

One thing I do know is that I totally need my sleep. Because my date was so late last night, I got home around 12:30, then didn’t fall asleep until about 1:30. Then I woke up before my alarm, so I’m drag-assing it today. I’ve got a sushi event with my colleagues tonight – and after that, I plan to come home and go right to bed. I’ll probably avoid making any dates for tomorrow, as I would like to spend the weekend cleaning up, working out and working on my thesis. My plan is to have the thesis written in rough by May 1st. And I’ve only got 2 more classes left to TA, and no marking – so all of April will just be writing the thesis all day, every day. Oh well, suck it up – grind through the month, and then I’ll be a doctor!

Anyhoo, when it comes to dating and self-validation and all that, my biggest problem, I think, is stressing out about the future. I’d be much better served to focus on the here and now – especially focusing on today and how I can make the most out of it. Of course, it’s super tough for me to focus when I’m tired – so I think the best thing I can focus on is getting to bed early and getting a good sleep.

What’s really been messing me up are my 8:30AM Thursday morning classes. Thursday mornings are always rushed – and I don’t get enough coffee, or a nice relaxing morning. When it comes time for the summer – I’ll be teaching Tuesday and Thursday evenings. So my plan is to move to an evening schedule – something like, wake up at 8:00 – start working out by 10:00, then I’m showered and ready to work by the crack of noon. I also especially like working out in the morning – as I always feel tremendous after I exercise, and I can feel better about myself knowing I’ve been to the gym.

Another thing about dating: one thing I was reading online before I went out last night was the idea of being playful. I took this to heart, and I think it made for a much more successful date. Generally, when I talk with my buddies, I like to talk about politics, and other weighty things. But girls aren’t buddies – girls, for the most part, don’t want to have long, technical, weighty conversations. They want to have fun! And so that’s what I focused on last night – was just being playful with J3 and having a good time. And you know what – I totally had a good time. We joked around all night about stuff, and she was all smiles when we were making out.

I think, when it comes to dating, a little confidence goes a long way. For the past little while, I’ve been bummed about J2 and going through “get back together” fantasies and things like that. As a result, I was feeling distressed about my love goals. But after last night, I’ve realized that, hey, I’m awesome and girls want to be with me. I know I should’ve internalized that message a long time ago, but I’m easily stressed, so I haven’t. But today, I’m feeling pretty good about myself – I’m confident that I’ll be able to meet attractive women in the future, and that I’ll eventually fulfill my need for deep, emotional and physical connection.

It’s amazing what making out can do for one’s confidence.

March 27, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sleepy ramble – thesis moratorium didn’t last long

Well, so much for the thesis moratorium. It lasted until about 8:00pm last night, when I set myself up for a date tonight and reinstalled Tinder. I think the lousy weather is having an affect on me – I was fine until about February, when the anxiety hit. It may be due to S.A.D (which is an aptronym if I’ve ever heard one.) Luckily, sunny days are right around the corner – so nothing I can do but wait it out, work hard on my thesis, and try and relax tonight when I’m on my date.

My date is with J3 – and so we’ll see how that goes. She’s 6’2, and taller than me – but she’s a pretty redhead, and I have a thing for pretty redheads.

What else? My sexual energy is charged up – despite being super tired today, I’m hoping I can have a super-productive afternoon of working on my thesis. I will probably have another nap – my date tonight is at 9:30, which is pretty damn close to bedtime for me. Oh, silly me, agreeing to such a late night date.

I think, when it comes to my Love goals, I need to be more proactive. As it stands, right now I’m relying mostly on Tinder for dates. What I should be doing, is approaching pretty women on the street and talking to them. But this is pretty damn stressful, especially since I’m not in the habit of approaching strangers on the street and talking to them. So, I think, once I’m done this semester and I move to an evening schedule, that every evening I’ll go out for an hour and practice talking to women on the street.

I started doing a similar program in October of last year (or maybe it was 2 years ago, sheesh!) and got sidetracked almost immediately with work demands. But this summer, I plan to sleep in, then exercise immediately, spend the rest of the day working on my thesis or my class, then going out to meet women, and finally coming home to smoke a joint and relax.

Again, I seem to be pretty goddamn impatient. I should remind myself that I’ve met pretty girls in the past who were attracted to me, and so it’ll happen again. I think I wrote in my flawed bonding post, about how I tend to expect the worst to happen whenever something bad happens. So if I break up with someone, my brain will start thinking, “She was perfect for me! I’ll never meet anyone again! I’ll be alone for my whole life!” – Which, frankly, is ridiculous – and moreover, I’m the one in control of my brain. So I should be training myself to think more positively, taking up mantras such as, “I’ll meet someone if I put my best self forward” or something like that.

The thing is, meeting people happens outside, and I’m a big fan of staying inside. I don’t like to be too busy with social activities, I like to be by myself a lot. Which is why I’m struggling with my current situation – if I like being by myself so much, why am I bummed about women all of a sudden? Is it because I now recognize this need I have for connection, and because I’m currently not meeting this need I’m stressing out about it?

That’s what I think is happening – plus, due to my medical condition, I think it’s easier for me to stress out about things. Maybe what I need to do is just practice relaxing. Either meditation, or something like that. Something to put me on an even keel, and remind myself that life will happen no matter what – I’d be better focused on making the most of my day, rather than worrying about the future or agonizing over the past. That may be easier said than done, but if I start practicing today, I’ll be a lot better off in the future.

One thing is for sure – sleep is important. It’s weird how I can go to bed early, be super tired, and still not fall asleep for 90 minutes. (And then wake up an hour before my alarm will go off.) Gotta do something about that.

Oh well… Looking ahead, I’ll have a PhD, be employed in academia, be in great physical condition, and I’m always fun to be around. What woman wouldn’t want me? All I need to worry about is putting my best self forward and making the most of today.

And we’ll probably start off with a nap.

March 26, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble on the thesis moratorium

Man, dating is stressing me out. I mean, I’m already stressed about my thesis, but with this dating on top of it, it’s even more stressful. I think I will probably get off Tinder, and just focus on my thesis until it’s done. I ‘unno – I’d like to meet someone, but I’m not really where I’m at in terms of self-motivation, and I’m still looking to girls for validation. I think I will probably do nothing but my thesis until it’s done.

Because, well, my thesis is going to take a shit-load of time. And if I’m constantly distracted by girls, and relationships and all that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it done.

Just this morning, I was texting with a girl – J3 – and I sent a text that was way too intense. Then I spent some time wondering about how she’d take it, and worrying about what to say.

I mean, this is no way to do things. I should be focusing on work when it’s time for work – not what some girl, who I don’t even see a future with, thinks about my text. I think, due to my high cortisol, any slightly stressful event gets magnified. And right now, because I’m aware of this need, I get stressed out over it on a daily basis. Because I’m thinking about this need I have, and how best to fill it.

If we add on top of that, I can’t really even use Tinder for hooking up, since I live with my family. So logistics for sex are dependent on the other girl. What a bummer.

So I think what I’ll do is focus on myself and my career, until I get to a point where I’ve moved out. Once I’m back on my own, in my own place, earning some real money, then I’ll worry about getting my Love goals handled.

Because, in the meantime, I’ll be working on myself. Number one, I’ll be positioning myself for a life-long career in Math. At the moment this is going to be more important than meeting women. If I’m to be an attractive man, then certainly I should be able to afford to take girls out on dates, etc… A man without a job or a means of income is an unattractive man. No one likes a bum.

Number two, I’ll be working on my health. Right now, because of the kidney, I’m carrying a lot of extra weight around my belly. Steroid guy, it’s known as. I need to be somewhat fanatical about my diet if I’m to eliminate this fat – as the pills I take everyday naturally increase belly fat. So, by the time I’m done my thesis, as long as I stick to my diet and keep working out everyday, I’ll look a million times better. This will increase my self-confidence for sure.

One thing is that it will eliminate the stress of dating. I seem to be pretty sensitive at the moment – pretty worried about other people. What I need to focus on is myself. I need to focus on being self-motivated, being happy by working on my goals.

I think once I’ve reached a better place, then I’ll go back to dating. I think I’ll basically go on a “thesis moratorium”, until I’m done. Those are now my new Love goals. Get my thesis done, get my own place, get a salaried position in academia (post-doc or prof). Once that’s been handled, a major source of stress will be eliminated, and I can then concern myself with dating.

That sort of introduces a new source of stress though: sexual frustration. Maybe this is how I’ll learn to channel my sexual energy. We’ll see…

March 25, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A ramble about anxiety and health goals

Ugh – I know I said I was going to write about goals today, but we’ll see how that goes. For some reason, I’m shaking with anxiety this morning. Dunno why – maybe I’m slightly stressed about something, and as a result of my elevated cortisol levels, my body is reacting poorly. It’s been a tough morning – a knot in my stomach, feeling jagged and tough to concentrate. I think I’ll see the doc about something for anxiety, because this ain’t a good feeling.

Well, I’m sure I’ll feel a bit better after I exercise. But that’s not a great long term solution – unless I start working out in the morning, which I suppose I could start doing. There’s always smoking a joint – but that’s not great for productivity. (I assume that’s what I’ll be doing later.)

Gotta write about something – gotta push through this feeling until it’s gone. What’s good? Well, I’m getting much better at piano. I’m currently working on perfecting the easy version of The Entertainer by Scott Joplin. It’s starting to sound good – and I think I’ll have it down pat within a week or so.

What else? The Sens are doing well. They’re 1 point back from a wildcard position with 2 games in hand on Boston, the team currently occupying the final wildcard spot. If the Sens win tonight, they’ll be in a playoff position. So hooray for the local sports concern!

I suppose if I were to write about my health goals, I’d first focus on my ultimate goal, which is: to have my own kidney, to be in peak physical condition, to have healthy, blemish-free skin, to have shiny white teeth and fresh breath, to be able to fall asleep 5 minutes after I go to bed, and to be bursting with energy all day.

Now, if that’s my ultimate goal, in order to achieve it I would need to specify exactly what I mean by, say, “peak physical condition”. Because, when it comes to health goals, it’s all about doing those little things, day in and day out, which result in a healthy lifestyle. For me, I suppose my focus should be my diet. I’ve been having a poor diet for the past couple weeks, so that’s what I’ll focus on. I’m doing well with workouts – very consistent, usually 4 or 5 per week. I think the first thing I want to accomplish for my health is to get super fit. That means something like 10-12% body fat (which may or may not be achievable, given my medical condition.) So that’s what I’ll focus on – losing weight. That’ll be my first mini-goal.

After that, which can only be achieved through a healthy diet and consistent exercise, then everything else should be easier to accomplish. I imagine I’ll be able to fall asleep quicker if I’m exercising everyday and eating a healthy diet – my skin should improve, my energy should sky-rocket. My teeth – well, I just have to keep brushing and flossing everyday like I do. I’ll see about getting them whitened – I feel that they’re a bit stained due to the fact that I drink black coffee. So I won’t really worry about those until I’ve achieved my weight loss goal.

Ultimately, I don’t really care about how much I weigh, what I care about is that my belly fat is all gone. (Again, this may or may not be achievable due to my medical condition.) But my focus for the next little while will be on maintaining a strict diet. I’m confident I’ll keep working out like I have been – but with a better diet, that weight will come flying off. (Well, not flying off, but it’ll inevitably come off due to science. Calorie out > calorie in; that’s all I care about.)

Anyhoo – I think I may also be a bit bummed due to lack of sunlight. Luckily, the weather is improving and good times are right around the corner. Tell that to my shaky body though, ’cause it don’t believe you.

March 23, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A disjointed ramble about stress and relationship models

I think stress in other areas of my life have almost certainly been adding to my dating woes. For example, yesterday I was feeling pretty mopey – fantasizing about this girl I dated getting back to me and making things all better. (An example of externally seeking validation.) But for the past week, I’ve been stumped on a particular problem in my PhD thesis – and it was super stressful, for if I didn’t solve this problem, then my thesis would’ve been seriously compromised.

But yesterday evening, I finally figured out my math problem. This morning, I just so happen to be feeling much better about myself. Not having as many external validation fantasies (just a general sense of regret about how things ended with this girl, which will probably last until I meet someone of a similar character.) But in general, I’m feeling much more calm and composed today. Hence, this leads me to believe that stress in one area of life will affect your stress in all areas of life.

When it comes to dating for men, we can’t take our cues from TV. We need to be calm, grounded and emotionless objects. We need to be the type of men that our women can depend on. For it’s women who are greatly affected by their emotions. (If you think that’s sexist, please tell me how a monthly shot of sex hormones doesn’t affect your brain chemistry.) Ergo, men need to live up to their biological responsibility as leaders of the relationship. She needs to know that whatever drama she’s currently experiencing, she can depend on you to be a stable source of leadership, wisdom and strength.

Which is why TV is terrible when it comes to relationships. On TV, whenever a guy has a crisis of confidence, he turns to his woman for someone to lean on, and they talk things out, and things are all better. But in reality, if you do this, a woman will lose faith in you.

As an analogy, if you worked for a company, and the boss was always coming to you with his doubts about whether or not the company would make it, or whether he was a good boss, or this or that… pretty soon, you’d lose faith in that company. It’s the same thing in relationships – if you’re constantly revealing your doubts and feelings to your woman, she’s going to lose faith in your strength as a leader.

The best way to overcome this lack of strength, I think, is to develop the qualities of a leader. That is, focus on the mission, make your needs a priority, and be ready to lead others by example. This is what I’m trying to work on at the moment. I’m trying to make my needs a priority and seek for internal validation. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a long time. It takes daily effort.

The other thing, is that there won’t be a clear point where I’ve achieved this sense of self-validation. It will happen after working on it, and failing, until I reach a point where I don’t care about what other people think, because I’m ok with myself. And I’m gradually learning to be ok with myself. I’m currently reading a book on assertiveness, and I’m recalling the dates I went on on the weekend and can pinpoint the areas I need to improve on. (For example, leave when I’m bored – or when I know there’s no connection. Also, go for coffee instead of beer – takes a lot less time, and less investment.)

This ramble has been all over the place today. I sorta wanted to highlight how stress in one area of your life will stress you out in all areas of your life, but I think I got off topic. Still no dates for the weekend, but I’m a work on that. Gotta have something to write about!

March 11, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment